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AIBU?

To hate friends mentioning his cheating?

36 replies

Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 07:43

OK this is more of a 'was' ibu than aibu as there is no longer a relationship and a bit of a post mortem,however I have been left feeling iwbu and am now worried I might have been at fault or was unreasonable in some way.

My xdp was divorced having had an affair. Is it unreasonable to have felt uncomfortable when his friends mentioned it in front of me. It happened multiple times once when one of the women he'd cheated with was sitting next to me. I just don't think it is the most endearing of things...it made me disrespect him and I didn't enjoy being reminded of how he'd treated his wife. Also aibu but...it seemed disrespectful to me too.. I'm not one of those people that mind exs being mentioned BUT I feel if it involved cheating it's another matter.

Also wibu for asking my xdp not to discuss our relationship with a women that he'd cheated on his wife with even though it was over a decade ago and they are now just friends? I felt a bit controlling to dictate what he should and shouldnt talk about with his friends however I just didn't like the idea of our private life being discussed with a previous ow. I wasn't worried about potential cheating but it just felt a bit invasive and inappropriate esp as I'd been told the women concerned was quite attention grabbing and spiteful. I'm now paranoid that I'm controlling and unreasonable :( or that my need to keep private life private from certain people is being over sensitive.

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DeathStare · 16/08/2016 07:48

You're perfectly reasonable to ask your partner not to discuss anything private/intimate and that involves you, with anyone who you don't feel comfortable with it being shared with.

As for your Ex's friends - it sounds like they were trying to not so subtly warn you that he was likely to cheat on you. I don't think you can blame them for that. It must have been a very uncomfortable position for them to be in.

myownprivateidaho · 16/08/2016 07:48

I understand from your post that you are not the person your ex cheated on? If that's right, I think that it is ok to say to people discussing the cheating in front of you, 'please don't talk about this in front of me, it upsets me.' I don't think you can demand that they don't or lay down the law, but you can appeal to their better natures. I don't think you can control what your ex says about your relationship to anyone, so I'd try to put that out of your mind and not waste energy on it.

Amelie10 · 16/08/2016 07:49

Yanbu, how disrespectful not to mention hurtful to bring that up in front of you. Someone getting a laugh out of your marriage breakdown is not worth spending time around.

tibbawyrots · 16/08/2016 07:52

It's an ex - there is no relationship now.

Best to try and put it out of your mind - you can't change history. The time to deal with it was when it happened.

Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 07:53

Thanks. Yes i wasn't the person he cheated on but it was during our relationship he discussed our problems with a woman he'd cheated on his wife with and that made me uncomfortable at the time as this person hadn't exactly been helpful in his marriage.

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Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 07:56

Reason I ask is Im curious to know whether I was unreasonable...or whether most women would find these things unpleasant. I want to know if I was being hyper sensitive so that if so, I can work on that in the future.

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OreosAreTasty · 16/08/2016 07:58

Probably best to avoid cheaters in general if you don't want it brought up by your friends.

OreosAreTasty · 16/08/2016 08:00

No, you're not being hypersensitive. It was wrong of him to cry on her shoulder (or whatever).
I wouldn't like that friendship in itself. Really can't say if YABU or not regarding your friends as they may have been trying to look out for you, or they may have been doing it to be dicks. It depends on the way it was done I think

davos · 16/08/2016 08:00

Someone getting a laugh out of your marriage breakdown is not worth spending time around.

I don't think it's her marriage breakdown they were talking about.

I find it odd his friends would mention it over and over. But your problem actually seems to be you don't want to hear it because it makes it true. If you can't accept he cheated (years ago) and it made you respect him less , then you shouldn't have been with him.

I do think you can ask him to not discuss your relationship with a certain person. But since you aren't together now you can't still dictate it. You can ask, but you will just have to hope he respects your request.

SanityClause · 16/08/2016 08:01

It sounds like a ghastly situation - you're well out of it.

Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 08:03

Oreosaretasty. Yes...agree. it seems a murky world in general for many reasons and best avoided. I like to go out to have a good time and hearing how my partner cheated on his lovely wife with the woman sitting next to me isn't my idea of fun. I think the mouthy friends ultimately did me a favour.

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WilliamScottsOrange · 16/08/2016 08:09

They were obviously his support network when his marriage fell apart, so know a lot about it. You should maybe just change the subject. I don't think you have any ownership of the topic but it would be nice for them to consider your feelings a bit. You could always say to his friends next time it's raised 'talking about the affair makes me feel sad'

Smurfit · 16/08/2016 08:11

Sounds a bit like my ex. I hated people mentioning it too. At the end of the day, I was deeply unhappy so was overly sensitive to anything I perceived as criticism of my efforts in trying so hard.

I'm not sure I have an answer per say - but I think perhaps your perspective may change with a lot of time and reflection. Ignoring it isn't going to make it go away (and I was furious with my ex when we were talking to a woman and I was the only one who didn't know they had a dodgy history).

Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 08:14

To fess up, in the end he became very physically abusive to me ...and like many women who have been on the receiving end of that I've still not quite got out of the blaming myself trench. I wasn't high maintenence but am now worried I was controlling in asking him not to discuss our private lives with people who had contributed to breakdown of his previous marriage. It's ducked up I know ....of course I know it's okay to ask for boundaries. Therapist is great and says it's common for victims of dv to ask her if they were the abusive one because it's the way they were made to feel.

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raisedbyguineapigs · 16/08/2016 08:16

It seems odd that they would keep bringing it up unless they were trying to want you about what he was like. Why did he not say something in that case? Either that, or they all thought it was a right laugh and it's just another one of his character traits to them. Either way, you're well shot. Of him and the ex lovers/friends.

Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 08:19

Smurfit...that was my situation in a nutshell except I found out later said woman was probing my ex for info on me, our relationship, how he felt about me. I know in my heart that to ask him to please not discuss our personal lives (while we were together) with this person was perfectly reasonable. But abuse at the time left me feeling it was an unreasonable request. It was as if I wasn't allowed any privacy and merely asking for a little left me feeling like a dictator. We live and learn.

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DeathStare · 16/08/2016 08:21

I don't think you are being hyper-sensitive being upset who he talked to. A rule that I always have had in relationships is that neither of us should talk about the relationship to someone the other one feels uncomfortable about them talking to. As long as neither of you starts banning the other one from talking to absolutely anyone, then I don't think you need to have a reason why you are uncomfortable. If it's about you then your sense of security and privacy matters just as much as their need to talk.

Regarding the friends talking about the affairs, I don't think you are being hyper-sensitive as such. It's clearly going to be an uncomfortable conversation choice. But I do think you would be being unreasonable demanding that they stopped. Your ex clearly put them in an uncomfortable situation and they were dealing with it the best way they felt they could.

It sounds like your ex had been a serial cheat and that must have been very difficult for his friends and the dynamic of the friendship group. It's understandable that you find that uneasy, but at the end of the day that's his fault for putting them in that position, not theirs.

And (I mean this in the nicest possible way) it sounds like their friendship group out-lasted your relationship, so I can fully understand the group prioritising getting themselves through that difficult time in a way that was best for the group rather than prioritising the feelings of a temporary girlfriend who, by the sounds of it, was one in a string of women he had (sorry).

Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 08:25

The weird thing was his affair had been six years ago. Which is why it seemed strange they'd still drag it up. Maybe subconsciously they were trying to warn me. Maybe it's just me but I'd never mention a friends previoys cheating history in front of a new partner later down the line...and if I did I'd fully expect said friend to be cross with me.

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Careforadrink · 16/08/2016 08:26

He's a keeper isn't he.....a serial cheat and violent.

I think they've been trying to warn you.

CalleighDoodle · 16/08/2016 08:28

With the extra info it does sound like a warning because he was a dick afterall.

Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 08:29

Also he was 41 so it just seems a bit of a sad and childish group...I hope to get my own life back post isolation and to see my old friends who gad more interesting pleasant things to talk about :)

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RowenaDahl · 16/08/2016 08:35

Sounds a bit like my ex.

You can't control who he speaks to or what he says. Put it behind you. It sounds like you are well rid. What a charmer (and his friends!).

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toptoe · 16/08/2016 08:46

You were right to feel upset, but conditioned to feel like you being upset was wrong. It wasn't. I think the friends were warning you either directly or indirectly (by showing you how acceptable they all thought this behaviour was).

As you're now in therapy, you will be going over all sorts of situations like this where you 'knew' it was wrong but talked yourself out of it/believed justification for why you should put up with it.

Next step is when you actually feel confident about what you know is right or wrong and being able to act on it (eg. run a mile from someone like this).

In the past you may have tried arguing with said ex or pleading with him to explain/change his behaviour which may make you feel 'controlling'. As you go through therapy you realise that pleading/expecting people like this to change is totally useless and you can stop doing it. If someone is cruel to you, you leave rather than beg for change/apologies etc. It's not controlling behaviour to want to know why someone is cruel and to want them to change, but it is unrealistic once you understand people who are like that rarely change and that the only option is to not have them in your life. They will always tell you you're unreasonable so they can carry on getting their way.

Metoo72 · 16/08/2016 08:47

So.. in general then, it's not outrageous to have asked my partner not to discuss our ralationship with someone who was the ow in his marriage? I didn't ask him to sever the friendship with this person and would have been horrified if he had.. despite the fact she was trying to meddle in a way she'd done when he was with his wife. Sorry if I sound an idiot it's just as a result of the violence I think... I see a therapist now for the ptsd caused by the violence and she says it's common for women who have been hurt in this way to ask her if they were the abusive one.. it's part of the way abusers can make their victims feel.

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APlaceOnTheCouch · 16/08/2016 08:53

I think YWBU to hate them mentioning the cheating. It sounds as though you were in denial about what he was like and hence didn't like any reminders that he was a less than perfect partner and was capable of lying and cheating.I can understand why it made you uncomfortable but actually I think it was ok for them to be reminding you of who and what he was.
The talking to the ow, YWNBU. You need boundaries in a relationship and not talking to a former ow about your current relationship, is quite standard.
Well done on leaving him Hopefully you'll soon be able to move on from the post mortem. I do think it's good to try to work out which boundaries are healthy and which aren't. It just doesn't all have to relate back to him. Try to put yourself back at the centre of your life and value system.

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