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AIBU?

AIBU to not have met him?

14 replies

Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 15/08/2016 05:44

I only get to see my family once in a year max due to geographical distance and I try to enjoy every little moment with them. It's my Mum, my sister and my brother living in the city I come from and my father lives further away.
Now, our relationship with our father is slightly complicated. He's a textbook narcissist, has always been. He almost ruined my Mum's health by being a nasty bully who enjoyed pretending she was in the wrong, always telling us he was always right because he's our father and generally behaving like he was saving the world by his very presence.
They eventually divorced and he moved to a woman he seemed to have met while still with my Mum, about 75 miles away. This happened when I was in my 30s and already living abroad.
Our contact (and I mean all of his children) has been scarce ever since. He very rarely gets to see his Grandchildren, always expects my sister to bring her kids over to him for a visit to show what a great Grandda he is, full of wisdom and great memories he wants to share with his descendants. Never comes for birthdays, only sends a text or FB message while expecting full updates on how our children look and what they do right now.
Now, when I came over for 1.5 weeks of holidays, I sent him an email asking when he wants to come over and suggested that I could bring my nieces with me to meet him as they haven't seen him in a while, to which I was ordered to bring my daughter over to where he lives. I have no car available and I refused dragging a six year old on an almost two hours' journey one way only to tell her Grandda she doesn't even recognise properly hi and being paraded through the village so his neighbours see that he's got visitors only to have to get back on the bus and travel back while he could spend the time with his Grandchildren somewhere where they can play and talk together without having to travel and listening to the ominous are we there yet.
He never responded and I only got subtle hints from his unmarried sister who believes the sun shines out of her younger brothers' arseholes that he still expects me to go over. He is very active otherwise, goes angling, has a small business in physiotherapy (and believes he's got healing powers of pulling out pain out of people's aching joints) so by no means an immobile old man.
I'm not sorry I refused for me. I am glad he is happy where he lives, with a woman who unlike my Mum is willing to accept his higher authority and know it all attitude. I just feel sorry that he is so bloody blind and engrossed in himself that he's depriving himself of seeing his Grandchildren. I personally don't miss our conversations because they generally move around the same topics in which he always comes out as the boss.
AIBU for not going over and making my daughter and nieces spend a day on a bus and rather prefer them enjoying the time together where they actually can have some fun?

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SlinkyVagabond · 15/08/2016 05:52

Nope, Yanbu at all. Tough if he CBA to make the effort, but be prepared for the poor poor me act over social media and through his flying monkey sister. But sounds like you are used to it and cope well with him.

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DeathStare · 15/08/2016 06:19

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

I'd just email him again asking whether he has set a date yet to come over and meet with you/DSis/DBro. His reply should tell you whether he really wants to see any of you.

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breezybeach · 15/08/2016 06:43

Thatsmeinthecorner ... No yanbu in my opinion .
Slinky.... What is a flying monkey please ?

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breezybeach · 15/08/2016 06:45

Ahh sorry slinky.. Just googled it. Love this expression.

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mathanxiety · 15/08/2016 06:59

YANBU.

Maybe for the future you could consider going no contact? Conflict with you is no skin off his nose and he probably doesn't actually care at all whether he sees you or your child, but it obviously upsets you.

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Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 15/08/2016 07:02

Thank you. I just hate being in this kind of situation especially as I live so far away but I'm not willing to budge on this one. We are leaving Wednesday morning and he knows it so he doesn't have much time. And yeah, the sentimental FB quotes about treasuring people who remember you have already started.

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Resideria · 15/08/2016 07:05

YANBU at all!

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DeathStare · 15/08/2016 07:07

And yeah, the sentimental FB quotes about treasuring people who remember you have already started

If he's doing that passive-aggressive bullshit I'd play him at his own game, and comment underneath with

Hi Dad, I emailed you because I would love to see you while I'm over and was hoping we could meet up. Not heard back yet so a little worried. Please let me know which one of the following dates/times would be good for you to come and meet with us and then I would list every possible available time! Let him come across as the idiot who doesn't actually want to meet up but just wants public sympathy.

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Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 15/08/2016 07:10

Maybe for the future you could consider going no contact? Conflict with you is no skin off his nose and he probably doesn't actually care at all whether he sees you or your child, but it obviously upsets you.

Unfortunately, that's the plan.

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Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 15/08/2016 07:51

DeathStare, wanted to do it but I decided to be even more devious and posted lots of pictures from the great family time together, we had a busy week and were so happy and did lots of different things so I thought I'll just show him my daughter is surrounded by the people who love her and who treasure her.

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Dozer · 15/08/2016 07:57

You don't need to worry about him or "show him": sadly, as you know, he's toxic and doesn't think or act as a normal parent and grandparent does. Sounds like contact is already pretty limited and that this is best.

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Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 16/08/2016 12:28

So this late morning I got an email from him telling me he'll be coming over at lunch time. I replied that that's great but wee've made plans already - my DD was going to see her. cousin's sport match so we can meet later in the afternoon because I was looking after my niece who was sick with tummy ache. Then he called my sister and was told the same. Apparently he decided to get off the bus and travel to where the match was supposed to be instead. However, at the last second, my DD changed her mind and decided to stay at home and keep company to her sick cousin. I didn't know about his plan because he decided to call my sister instead of me. Please. don't ask me why, the lack of logic would make anyone weep. So after a call from my sister I quickly called him and told him my DD was with me. I was asked about four times where my DD was ( beside me on the sofa playing on her tablet, Dad), was given out that my sister told him she was somewhere else ( people change plans especially as we thought we were flexible, Dad), we didn't tell him DD was supposed to be elsewhere (why, FFS?!) and how come my DD was supposed to be without me, only with her Aunt and Grandma (we are a family Dad and I trust them) and I was looking after my niece (they seem to trust me with a sick child, Dad) and was made looking like a liar because my child had a sudden change of mind and I failed to provide him with my schedule. May I also say that he has my number.
OMG. I'm exhausted from trying to retell the story without sounding like a blabbering idiot.

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mathanxiety · 17/08/2016 08:32

He is creating drama. This is what they do. Any excuse to make him the centre of some tornado.

It would have been simple and straightforward to have just called you to ask if he could or should go to the match, but nooooooo - how could he be the centre of some sort of chaos or drama and the focus of everyone's attention that way? Now you have his ruffled feathers to soothe, and you are on the back foot, under suspicion of plotting to keep him away from your DD, so he will need plenty of reassurance on that score.

Ultimately, he wins! He comes away as the victim of conniving sisters, his ungrateful daughters. He had to haul himself all the way to see his granddaughter because otherwise he would have been forgotten, and in the end you all got together and played games with him...

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Thatsmeinthecorner2016 · 17/08/2016 21:36

mathanxiety, that's exactly what I thought. He's the victim of his ungrateful family who have never appreciated his genius, I am the meanie who refused him contact with his beloved Grandchild and deliberately lied to him. Jesus wept. They are a weird family and I' just happy most of my gene pool seems to have come from my Mum's side (who btw. has always actively encouraged our contact with him telling us that their issues shouldn't be our issues and he is still our father). Well, he can keep on believing the whole world conspires against him.