To not even know what to do or say anymore.(53 Posts)
I'm emotionally fucked, even physically.
I have an 8 year old boy, I have a husband who is not his biological father (child does not yet know any different, biological has not been seen since conception)
He's a nightmare, I don't actually know what I have done so wrong. I have 2 smaller children with DH, we treat them all fairly and set the same rules for everyone.
For the 8 year old, everything is because 'we hate him' he'll kick and stamp all evening till 11pm/12am every night because 'it's all our faults that he hates us because we hate him' my 1year old and 3 year old are being woken and disrupted every fucking night... 1 year old often won't settle again till 2/3am after being woken.
He screams, demands, throws things at me, scares the smaller children, answers back, steals from the kitchen in the early hours (5am) he stole from a shop on our recent holiday (sweets) he's violent, he doesn't listen at school, he has to be physically undressed and placed in the bath or he won't bath (then accuses me of hurting him because I've taken his shirt off) he smears faeces over the loo seat several times a day.
DH and I are strong, but we are exhausted - we need a night where we can sleep before 12.30am because DH gets up at 5.30am for work...
I'm terrified the neighbours judge us when he screams like a wild animal all evening like he's being killed but apart from gently guiding him up to his room nobody does anything wrong to him.
He told me unless I get him unlimited broadband that he will make my life hell. I said we can discuss this and there would have to be a curfew so he wouldn't be on it all night, he said that he won't listen as he wants his 'own life'
Ahhhhnh I'm terrified of loosing my orher children because of his behaviour 😰
Not that I'm aware of.
He has always been very hard work but I just thought maybe he's just a high mainainence child.
Has the school had him visited by an Ed Psych? My immediate thoughts are PDA or ODD. It's certainly not anything you've done.
You need for coping so long.
If he behaves poorly at school surely they have become involved?
What is the current set up?
That sounds horrendous. I feel for you. Have you spoken to your GP or a SENCO at the school?
It definitely sounds like you need some outside help to assess what's going on here and to advise you on how to handle what ever is causing this. I can't really offer any advice myself but I'm sure there are plenty here who can. I really feel for you.
School actually really don't seem phased. They've given up giving him HW and reading books as they know he won't do it, he's had chats with his teachers about
being violent but everyone just thinks he's a naughty child.
I'm just really tired, I feel so detached from
him now because I just cannot do anything
to make him happy.
I'm also scared, he says all these things about us hating him (we haven't, and wouldn't ever say such a thing) how he knows we hate him because he knows what
I think about him, we reassure and say ' no, we don't hate you - but we strongly dislike your behaviour right now'
And then the ' thanks a lot for hurting me and nearly strangling me' because I gently took his clothes off of him.
What if they think I'm a horrible mother when I'm not
Sounds like he may have some sensory sensitivities around touch - would definitely recommend talking to your GP or school Senco to obtain an assessment by an educational psychologist in the first instance.
There's a monthly school nurse, but never heard of a SENCO.
Op read up on pda which is part of asd. There's also a book called the explosive child which may be of help. Yes lots of children are high maintenance but this sounds beyond the realms of normal especially the staying up so late and kicking the floor / raiding the fridge at 5am etc. If you decide you would like to get him assessed a visit to your GP would be the first step for a referral to a paedatrician.
I think you need to start looking into this fully op, it's awful for you and really awful for him too by the sounds of it, get some help
I would gobtobrhe G.P & requestvyour donbto be referred to Camhs (Child Adolescent Mental Health Services).
Also speak to your SENCo. (Special Educational Needs Coordinator). Every school has a SENCo.
Fairyleas advice about reading the book, The Explosive Child & PDA is spot on.
Your boy sounds very anxious. (The need to control you).
Do whatever you need to, to get through the holidays.
So by giving up on homework and reading they are acknowledging a problem. But they have done nothing else? That's crazy.
And for you as it sounds exhausting.
I would go to the gp with a list of behaviours and go from there.
He's had chats with his teacher about being violent' and 'they've given up giving him HW and reading books That doesn't sound right OP. Schools don't give up. And given the problems you are having I am very surprised you haven't heard of or being spoken to by , the SENCO..
excuse my typos. Exhausted mum of 2 SN boys!
You need a lot more support than you're getting. Tomorrow, make an appointment with your GP - just go and say what you've said here. And don't be tempted to play it down. There is help out there but without some sort of assessment you won't be able to access it.
I think he may have guessed your dh is not his father . I am so sorry op this sounds horrendous for you and your dh
I hate to have to ask this - but is there any chance that he may have been sexually abused? Smearing faeces is very disturbed behaviour indeed and very very worrying.
Is there anywhere he causes problems about going, or anyone he doesn't want to spend time with, even though they may seem really kind to him and very friendly? Are there any clubs or groups he is a member of, where something could be happening?
If something awful like this is happening it will explain why he is lashing out at you and your DH - in his child's mind he could be blaming you for not stopping it (the logic of you not knowing about it won't strike him). Things like demanding unlimited broadband etc are ways of testing you - "If you love me you will give me this" - and of punishing you "You won't give me this therefore you don't love me therefore I will hide my hurt by behaving atrociously".
He is a very troubled child and I think he needs professional help - and you and your husband need help in coping as it will put a huge strain on your relationship. As your other children become older he will increasing resent them - no matter how fair you are, he will perceive you favouring them in everything. You will not be able to do right for doing wrong.
If I were in your place, I would ask your GP for a referral to a child psychologist. The stealing, the comfort eating, the screaming - all are desperate cries for help by a child who can't articulate his distress.
You need to continue to support him, but at the same time set boundaries and don't give in to his demands. Ironically by doing so you make him feel less safe, not more. After all, in his eyes, if he can't cope with what is upsetting him (whatever it is - not necessarily sexual but it's a distinct possibility), and you can't cope with him, how can you possibly protect him? He's frightened and that is making him aggressive.
I do hope for all of your sakes that you are able to get to the bottom of his distress. It is dreadful for all of you, and very frightening for his siblings.
I'm not sure he'd have any reason to guess, but even so - his behaviour has been out of control since he was old enough to misbehave.
I live in the Channel Islands so perhaps that's why school and SENCO is slightly different to the UK? X
I would get him assessed - it does sound like some kind of SN.
But also he might be picking up on your guilt etc for not liking him very much at the moment (which is perfectly understandable from what you've said ) - or your worries that he feels different or might be treated differently because DH isn't his biological father.
Does he have firm boundaries and clear consequences for his actions? Not having them can make children feel more insecure and more likely to misbehave.
Also I would be inclined to pick your battles - if he won't wash don't make it a physical battle, don't argue -let him not wash but have a consequence for that -less pocket money or doesn't get a treat etc. He chooses not to wash - fine - then he doesn't get XYZ.
Compromise on some things - if you don't compromise they learn not to. So I don't want a bath. Ok but if you don't have a bath you'll smell ...so you do need to wash - what do you suggest we do? Maybe you could have a shower tomorrow morning -what do you think about that, would you prefer that? And if it is something non-negotiable say that - I will not change my mind - we can argue about it as much as you like but at the end of the day this is what will happen.
My DD1(15) has ADHD. Is oppositional and has been/can be hard work.
It was a steep learning curve (at times I have hated her) these kind of approaches made a big difference - as well as (trying to) avoiding giving her direct commands - 'Get up now'- won't work - 'You need to be getting up now' - works.
From a workshop (for ADHD teens) they had a traffic light system - which was basically 'pick your battles'. Red behaviour was action has to be taken - they are a danger to themselves or others. Amber -things you would like to improve -things to work on. Green - let it go and let go of any resentment that goes with it.
Having said all that - even if he doesn't have SN it does sound like you need help and I would go to the GP now and ask about assessment but also tell them what you said in your OP - so they can get you help now- I hate to say this but in a few years when the hormones kick in it it might get worse..
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