To think MIL’s comments during my pregnancy are horribly inappropriate?

(132 Posts)
IsThisYourSanderling Sun 14-Aug-16 20:44:33

After three gruelling years of infertility, I’m due my first baby in six weeks’ time, and throughout my pregnancy MIL has been making comments about things going wrong. Today she noticed via Instagram that we’ve bought a cot, and texted to say that she thinks it’s wrong to buy big things in advance, in case something bad happens. She said the same when we were visiting her a month ago – that we were ‘brave’ to have bought things, because something might still happen. These hints about the possibility of a stillbirth feel horribly inappropriate and insensitive, especially as the due date is approaching. I got a bit upset about it this evening.

It goes further back too. She visited us when I was 13 weeks pregnant, and treated me to detailed stories of everyone she’s ever known who either had a stillbirth, a miscarriage, or themselves almost died in childbirth. It was barrel-scraping stuff – her neighbour’s cousin’s bridesmaid, that sort of thing. I did ask her to stop, but she smiled and carried on.

Before that, when we told her I was pregnant at about 6 weeks, her first response was to tell us not to get excited because my endometriosis means I have a ‘toxic womb’.

She has four healthy children and has never experienced a miscarriage (she told me it had never happened to her while regaling me with tales of others’ losses), so it’s not that she’s over-anxious based any losses of her own. She also has five healthy grandchildren. My own pregnancy has been healthy throughout, thankfully.

I just don’t get it. How normal is this sort of behaviour? Has anyone else experienced it, and did you just brush it off in the end?

Sorebigtoes Sun 14-Aug-16 20:47:25

That's awful. I'd get all hormonal on her - tell her to stop, then walk out of the room if she doesn't. You've come so far and the chances are very strongly in your favour that everything will be just fine.

Littleelffriend Sun 14-Aug-16 20:50:04

Don't let her ruin this for you. Your baby will be gorgeous healthy and loved, the chances of stillbirth are incredibly low. You're amazing, I wouldn't tell her straight away when baby comes. But I bare a grudge.

eyebrowsonfleek Sun 14-Aug-16 20:51:58

I can't believe that your husband isn't telling her to shut the fuck up.

I would block her on social media and get your husband to grow a backbone. The last thing that you want is for your child to end up an anxious mess because of the fatalistic shit that she's syaing.

trilbydoll Sun 14-Aug-16 20:53:17

Make it clear, as she's obviously taken such a dislike to baby from an early stage, you won't inconvenience her by expecting her to meet baby until it's at least 6 months old. I'm sure she'll be relieved and grateful for your consideration of her feelings.

Hope everything goes well flowers I hated the late stages, I was really paranoid. Try to avoid her!

finlayargyle Sun 14-Aug-16 20:53:51

She sounds a treat! Have you said to DH? I would let her know how much it has annoyed and hurt you. I wouldn't be surprised if her unhelpful tales abput anything and everything continue after your baby arrives . Might be best to let her know and nip it in the bud.

googietheegg Sun 14-Aug-16 20:53:58

I sadly had a similar situation with my mil. I stupidly thought it would stop when I had the baby but it was just as bad. It caused huge problems between me and Dh as he is so used to her stupid, insensitive comments. After a few months I phoned her and said she had to stop talking without thinking or, if she was thinking and meant what she said, why would I want to see her again. Obviously that didn't go down well but I felt better for not just taking it. We've hardly seen her since and she's not at all interested in the children, although she says things like 'everybody knows how much I adore my grandchildren', which is infuriating.

trinity0097 Sun 14-Aug-16 20:54:49

People of her age may hold a deep view that you don't buy gifts etc until the baby is born and well.

I know plenty of staff where I work that will buy baby presents for colleagues but not until the moment the baby is safely delivered.

GiraffesAndButterflies Sun 14-Aug-16 20:55:22

Turn it around and go all passive aggressive on her. "Gosh aren't you saying strange things MIL? Are you feeling okay? I noticed you forgot I said that upset me, too- are you forgetting a lot of things? Do you think you'd better see the doctor?"

flowers to you OP, she's being a bitch.

sooperdooper Sun 14-Aug-16 20:55:37

What has your DH said to her?? He needs to tell her to shut up!!

Missgraeme Sun 14-Aug-16 20:55:57

Keep her at arms length for as long as possible. Tell her u have ptsd from all her horror stories and seeing her is too stressful now! Maybe at the babies first birthday u may be OK for her to visit.

Champagneformyrealfriends Sun 14-Aug-16 20:56:34

She sounds a treasure hmm

I'm horrible because id limit her contact with DC over something like this. I'd want nothing to do with her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy-flowers

hazeimcgee Sun 14-Aug-16 20:56:37

Firstly, congratualtions. You have to come back in 6 weeks with a gender and weoght grin

What is DH doing about it? His mother is being an insensitive and deliberatly evil bitch

ollieplimsoles Sun 14-Aug-16 20:56:42

Why hasn't your husband shut his mother down, its his child and wife she is talking about!?

Don't her let running her mouth spoil this moment for you, just make her wait to see the baby, since she is such an expert and has so many other grandchildren to bother with I'm sure she wont mind.

My mil did everything possible to deter ne from having a home birth, even though she knew nothing about it and knew no one who had one. Her comments were so crushing to me l, especially as it didn't happen due to low waters around my over due dd.

Put her put of your mind x

GiraffesAndButterflies Sun 14-Aug-16 20:56:49

Not buying gifts is one thing, but when does she expect the OP to get a cot, on the way home from the hospital?

Clankboing Sun 14-Aug-16 20:57:22

Completely inappropriate. Either you tell her, your husband tells her. And if neither of you want to do that joke about it - 'We'll you're a barrel of laughs aren't you?' Or "Every time you visit you always reassure me with your tales!' Certainly isn't a joking matter though!

KatharinaRosalie Sun 14-Aug-16 20:58:00

What a horrible woman! Your DH really has to tell her to shut up.

Of course, if she has any minor health issues, I might be tempted to make up a few stories about people who had the exact same thing, and would you believe, the next thing you know...

AppleMagic Sun 14-Aug-16 20:58:43

What an insensitive cowbag. I'd give her a final warning that I didn't want to hear negativity and if she carried on I'd avoid her for the time being.

DPotter Sun 14-Aug-16 20:59:16

Yep your DH needs to step up here and tell her to shut up.

Muskateersmummy Sun 14-Aug-16 21:00:15

Being devils advocate, if she is aware of your journey, is she nervous of something happening? We struggled to Concieve and were very reluctant to buy things so as not to tempt fate. I wonder if she is (very insensitively ) worrying about what may happen.

I would ask dh to talk to her.

RiverTam Sun 14-Aug-16 21:01:59

And where is your DH in all this? Because it could well be you have a DH problem, he should be telling her to STFU every single time, and it doesn't sound like he is.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble Sun 14-Aug-16 21:03:51

Dh should be cracking the whip with her - shes being a bitch

fabulous01 Sun 14-Aug-16 21:06:05

Been there. My advice is to start limiting contact. I thought mine would be fine but she went weird after I gave her grand children. Yes they can be excited but she went off the Richter scale with her behaviour. But you won't change her. Concentrate on you and bump as this is precious time.

LabRats Sun 14-Aug-16 21:08:08

I'm with those telling your DH to grow some balls.

She sounds like an idiot.

bojorojo Sun 14-Aug-16 21:08:42

Baby showers (I hate that expression) are not a good idea before the birth but you must prepare for your new family member! Cot, or am, car seat and everything there is just fine with 6 weeks to go. Presents will come after the baby arrives. Mil is a pain but just shut her out if your thoughts. She sounds rather stupid really. Tell your DH you do not want to hear any more negative comments but do you expect her to babysit in the future? If you do, finding a mutual way forward might be beneficial to both of you.

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