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To feel like a fool because of my colleague's behaviour

(48 Posts)
NinaBiina Sun 14-Aug-16 14:04:27

Little bit of background: I started my first job about eight months ago-it's an intense and emotional job. Another colleague who is quite a bit older than me and more experienced supported me so much during the beginning. We began to talk outside of work, including very personal topics such as past relationships, life goals and even religion, practically every day and late into the night. We went for drinks and dinner both individually and as part of our work group. I'm not such an avid user of Facebook so we became fb friends a few months after meeting. A few days after accepting him, he's tagged in a lovey photo with his pretty girlfriend which he's never mentioned (even 8 months later). People at work joke about us "going out" etc and when I told them they were shocked. Why did he not tell me? The things he said and the way he behaved made me feel there was a chance of something happening. I feel like a fool and humiliated...I'm starting to love my job but this makes me feel so stupid and I'm starting to feel quite angry with him. Am I being too sensitive and was he just being nice? Or is his behaviour a bit shady?

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes Sun 14-Aug-16 14:07:56

His behaviour is shady.

It's not you. You're cool. It's him.

Floggingmolly Sun 14-Aug-16 14:09:14

Did you think you were "going out"? confused. Tbh, to still be feeling that there's a chance that something may happen after 8 months is a bit odd... If anything was to happen it would surely have happened by now??

Glitterpegs Sun 14-Aug-16 14:09:17

So you saw each other for 8 months but he never asked you out as a date?

DoreenLethal Sun 14-Aug-16 14:09:31

Are you reacting to this about 5 months later? If you became FB friends after a few months and a few days later saw the photo...bit confused by the timeline.

We don't know what the situation is. He may have been trying to just be friends or he may have acted shady.

Bluechip Sun 14-Aug-16 14:10:52

His behaviour is shady. You haven't done anything wrong and don't have anything to feel embarrassed about. Cool off your friendship with him while still being friendly.

It's difficult in an intense and emotional job with long hours but take this as a pointer to do your best to invest in life and friendship outside of work.

Aussiemum78 Sun 14-Aug-16 14:11:59

Nope it's shady to spend all that time outside of work and never mention a girlfriend.

Are you sure it's a girlfriend in the photo and not just a friend or relative?

NinaBiina Sun 14-Aug-16 14:12:24

No I have no illusions that anything is going to happen. But we still work together, I'd decided to completely distance myself from the whole thing. However the other day at work-I'm a nurse in an emotional speciality-it was a difficult shift, he took me aside, hugged me and started spouting all this stuff that he would do anything for me all I had to do was ask etc. I'm distancing myself but he's still persistent in his messaging and touchy feely behaviour and I don't know what to make of it.

NinaBiina Sun 14-Aug-16 14:13:03

And he doesn't behave like this with anyone else by the way

witchofzog Sun 14-Aug-16 14:14:08

I know some people like to keep their work and home life very separate but if you have talked about everything then this is just weird. Especially as no one else knows either.

Pearlman Sun 14-Aug-16 14:14:10

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kate33 Sun 14-Aug-16 14:15:59

Be glad you found out now and not later. He's dodgy. Don't let it spoil your enjoyment of your job but I would cool it with him. You've had a lucky escape op.

MudCity Sun 14-Aug-16 14:17:34

No need to feel haven't done anything wrong. I would have expected him to mention his girlfriend in your conversations but clearly he didn't. That's a bit odd but I wouldn't let it bother you in the slightest.

Enjoy your working relationship with him and your job. It is nice he was supportive towards you. Maybe cool the late night chats though as that perhaps crosses the boundary between a good working relationship and something a bit more personal.

You can still be friends but at least you know that being more than friends isn't on the cards right now. Maybe spend your free time with other people as well as investing very heavily in one person can lead to disappointment.

MyNewBearTotoro Sun 14-Aug-16 14:19:08

Is she definitely his girlfriend?

Could she be a sister or close friend?

NinaBiina Sun 14-Aug-16 14:20:42

Haha judging by their hand positions I think it's safe to say their dating

RoughMagic Sun 14-Aug-16 14:24:28

It's odd that someone you are close to wouldn't mention they have a partner. I think you're to distance yourself.

RoughMagic Sun 14-Aug-16 14:28:17

* right to distance yourself.

NinaBiina Sun 14-Aug-16 14:29:46

Thank you...on average we work together about 40-50 hours per week at the minute so it's hard to have any sort of clarity of perspective

ZippyNeedsFeeding Sun 14-Aug-16 14:40:08

Could she have been a fairly new girlfriend and posting the pic on Facebook was his way of announcing their relationship? Did you ask him about it? If it was my friend I'd have asked why he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend (and I have no romantic interest in any of my male friends, but I'd still ask!).

GabsAlot Sun 14-Aug-16 14:48:09

hes a player-pure and simple

trying it on with u while he has a girlfriend tell himto leav u alone

Damselindestress Sun 14-Aug-16 14:57:15

I understand why you are upset. Sounds like a close friendship where you discussed personal topics like past relationships so there was no legitimate reason for him not to mention his current relationship. His touchy feely behaviour and emotional language is even more confusing. Try brushing him off a bit, be too busy to chat sometimes. Keep it professional. Casually drop it into conversation that you've noticed he has a girlfriend, you'd like to meet her why doesn't he invite her to the next work night out? That sort of thing.

Witchend Sun 14-Aug-16 15:02:57

If he accepted your friend request, then put the picture up then I doubt he's trying it on. He'd have found a reason why he couldn't accept.

In fact considering the timings,are so close I suspect that he is trying to tell you gently that he's attached.
Some people tell people the second they've met someone, other people don't tell until they're quite a way on-and in a lot of ways it can be hard knowing how to broach the subject in the latter case.

pinkandblueandredandgreen Sun 14-Aug-16 15:09:40

Had you actually asked him about a DP / family etc. There's a difference between lying and saying that you're single and just not mentioning it because you weren't asked. As long as he hasn't lied, it doesn't stop you being friends with him, you were just on slightly different pages before and now are on the same page.

99GBPChargeToUseMyPostsJournos Sun 14-Aug-16 15:14:31

Sounds like a lucky escape to me. If he is like that with you when he has a girlfriend, what would be be like with others if the two of you got together?

Bluechip Sun 14-Aug-16 15:14:42

He didn't lie. But he does seem to be getting close to you in a way that you don't feel comfortable with if nothing romantic is in the offing. So, fine - treat him as a nice colleague, don't expect anything more and now you know what it is. You've not done anything wrong.

A hug is fine. Nurse colleagues if mine need that after a day on a tough ward and I've hugged a colleague in tears. Support is good but perhaps look for other colleagues who will be supportive before and as in my pp look for friends and family for support too. It's really important.

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