To get so angry with DH needing constant instructions on EVERYTHING

[purplespottedelephant]

So I'll be reading a story to my DS
"Babe how much water do I need to add to this rice"
Read the bloody instructions

Putting away clean washing
"Have you seen my phone"
He proceeds to trash the whole downstairs looking for it-I go down and find it straight away

Bathing my DD
"How much milk will I add to this mash"
He still asks after maybe 100 times of me telling him!

I could go on and on all day..he actually fries my brain, so annoying, he can't think for himself or use any kind of common sense, he has to have direct instructions from me or he can't do it! And it's always when I'm busy

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

There's a thread running in relationships that started like this, and 1000 posts in is about divorce negotiations.
It's called deliberate incompetence. The more you know about why it happens the less funny and whimsical it is.
I'm not going to ramble through the psychology behind it but basically he thinks your just less important than he is. Your time, your happiness, your position in the household. Less important.
It sounds bleak but maybe it's fixable ? But after 100 times of being told...? Not sure he actually cares about what makes you happy

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

Sorry..the thing he's doing is deliberate incompetence..not the thread which is rather aptly called something like " why is my husband so incompetent ?"

[karalime]

After being bombarded by questions at work all day and then at home (admittedly my dm not a partner) my default answer is now 'I don't know'.

Don't get angry, just stop caring. Stop helping, they soon manage to figure it out on their own and they can't blame you if you don't know either.

[WorraLiberty]

I wouldn't automatically assume his incompetence is deliberate.

It could be a mixture of a lack of confidence in his own abilities, and the OP always stepping in to answer/reassure him.

Bloody annoying, but unless the OP sits him down and asks why he needs constant reassurance, and tells him he's going to have to learn to be more independent, I can't see anything changing.

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

I would say it not sconciousl deliberate, but when something has been repeated that often and is causing distress in your partner yet you still don't do "the thing" there is a failure to act. Sure for him it could be a failure to learn , be confident, act like an adult..but really it is a problem that he continually causes distress, and it is the continuing failure to address the distress that is deliberate.
"It doesn't matter that this pissed her off...again. And again..and again."

[purplespottedelephant]

Thanks for the advice 605, haven't seen that thread, but think that's maybe a bit harsh, this was more of a lighthearted thread rather than a serious one, which is why I posted in aibu and not relationships. I'm sure there's plenty I do that winds my partner up too, none of us are perfect.

Worra, have already explained to him and told him he needs to do things for himself, I do agree more with a PP though don't necessarily think he does it on purpose think it is more of a confidence thing where he just likes the approval and support of knowing he's doing it correctly.

It just gets very irritating for me

Men eh?

[smellyboot]

Same in our house. Needs constant reassurance. Drives me nuts

[purplespottedelephant]

Sorry worra u were the previous poster that said that
Heads not with it today

[Babyzoo]

I'm not sure but my dh is exactly the same with anything related to the house or the dc.

Constant questions about simple stuff.

I suppose it's because I do most of the household stuff with me working part time, a bit of laziness and a bit of knowing I might moan if it's done wrong.

[scaryteacher]

Mine rang me from Belgium to ask how the washing machine worked! Given he is a C.Eng, I was a tad surprised that he couldn't work it out, even if the dials are in French/Flemish!

[AnotherTimeMaybe]

Same here! I have to tell him everything otherwise he fucks up or doesn't do it
Feel for you it's just impossible to live with

[PrettyBotanicals]

When mine were babies, I was the breadwinner as my career paid more and it was daft to take a break then.

I'd always check things with my DH as I wanted continuity and safety for the DC.

Luckily he was quite patient with me as I asked a huge number of times, usually because I, like him, was tired and also my mind was usually on other things.

The years are short, have some patience and be kind to each other.

Mine are grown now, I no longer work.

I still ask a million times a week how to work the coffee machine....

[Babyzoo]

With regards to strategic incompetence I'm pretty sure that both of the sexes can be guilty of that.

[sonlypuppyfat]

No one in my house can do anything for themselves. Eg how long should I microwave this for? Me, until it's hot. Or will I be hot wearing this ffs your 17 I don't know how hot you feel. I'm asked questions all day bloody long

[mathsmum314]

How are you supposed to know how much milk to add to mash, there is a different amount of potato every time?
I was brought up with, "if you don't know ASK".

[purplespottedelephant]

Maths mum yes I totally agree,
But..I don't need to ask someone every time I add milk to mash, I use my brain and work it out for myself.

Also how am I supposed to tell him how much milk to add when I'm not in even in the same room and busy doing something else?

[purplespottedelephant]

Maths mum yes I totally agree,
But..I don't need to ask someone every time I add milk to mash, I use my brain and work it out for myself.

Also how am I supposed to tell him how much milk to add when I'm not in even in the same room and busy doing something else?

[Griphook]

My stbexp did this all the time, often I think it's to absolve himself of responsibility, by asking me he squarely puts the blame if it goes wrong on me.

Today he asked if dc needed a jumper. I just keep repeating 'I don't know, what do you think now, then at least I'm not making all the choices

[powershowerforanhour]

Ask him if he does this at work, and if not, why not? Answer: because his boss would think he's incompetent and lacking initiative, and he would get sacked or at least never promoted or given a payrise. Instead of doing it for him tell him that learning by doing is best, practice makes perfect etc. Or, if you're feeling especially annoyed, "Refer to my previous answer".

[DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease]

Ask back, "How do you turn the vacuum cleaner on?" Then they have to at least try, maybe?

Or "I'm sure however much milk you put in the mash, it'll end up ok - even if not, you'll know how to work it out for next time, eh?"

[665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast]

Sorry ,for the harsh advice up thread..I would like to revise what I have said into:
"Aw bless them that's men for you, " and I will as soon as I can make it back into the 1950s

[kiki22]

Dp always asks me what buttons to press on the washing machine its on>eco>start he says he can't remember.

Mine does suffer from memory problems I have recently started to wonder if he has dyspraxia, his mum always said it was linked to his dyslexia but lots of times I think its a little bit of laziness and a lack of confidence in doing things 'right'. I did point out he managed to learn the xbox buttons and how to work the remote control for the tv so surely the washing machine should be doable too.

[Doobigetta]

My ex used to do this. As 655said, it's because you- your time, your energy- are worth less than him and his. You are supposed to feel honored that you are the one chosen to be his handmaiden, and take on the trivial and mundane business of getting through life for him so he can exist on a higher plane. I dumped him. Now I'm with an adult, who would be ashamed to be so lazy and incompetent. I'm very happy

[purplespottedelephant]

Wow 665..where did that come from?

[purplespottedelephant]

And doobie I'm sorry your ex was like that, but not once have I said my DP is lazy, because he is far from it.
He works full time but when he is at home he is very hands on with the housework, cooking and the kids. I have no complaints there.

My thread was Meant to be lighthearted at his constant questions that is all..but seems to have turned quite serious which is not what I wanted.

Glad you have found a better man now though :)