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To get so angry with DH needing constant instructions on EVERYTHING

(31 Posts)
purplespottedelephant Sat 13-Aug-16 13:52:01


So I'll be reading a story to my DS
"Babe how much water do I need to add to this rice"
Read the bloody instructions

Putting away clean washing
"Have you seen my phone"
He proceeds to trash the whole downstairs looking for it-I go down and find it straight away

Bathing my DD
"How much milk will I add to this mash"
He still asks after maybe 100 times of me telling him!

I could go on and on all day..he actually fries my brain, so annoying, he can't think for himself or use any kind of common sense, he has to have direct instructions from me or he can't do it! And it's always when I'm busy angry

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Sat 13-Aug-16 14:40:14

There's a thread running in relationships that started like this, and 1000 posts in is about divorce negotiations.
It's called deliberate incompetence. The more you know about why it happens the less funny and whimsical it is.
I'm not going to ramble through the psychology behind it but basically he thinks your just less important than he is. Your time, your happiness, your position in the household. Less important.
It sounds bleak but maybe it's fixable ? But after 100 times of being told...? Not sure he actually cares about what makes you happy

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Sat 13-Aug-16 14:41:54

Sorry..the thing he's doing is deliberate incompetence..not the thread which is rather aptly called something like " why is my husband so incompetent ?"

karalime Sat 13-Aug-16 14:47:17

After being bombarded by questions at work all day and then at home (admittedly my dm not a partner) my default answer is now 'I don't know'.

Don't get angry, just stop caring. Stop helping, they soon manage to figure it out on their own and they can't blame you if you don't know either.

WorraLiberty Sat 13-Aug-16 14:48:11

I wouldn't automatically assume his incompetence is deliberate.

It could be a mixture of a lack of confidence in his own abilities, and the OP always stepping in to answer/reassure him.

Bloody annoying, but unless the OP sits him down and asks why he needs constant reassurance, and tells him he's going to have to learn to be more independent, I can't see anything changing.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Sat 13-Aug-16 15:07:11

I would say it not sconciousl deliberate, but when something has been repeated that often and is causing distress in your partner yet you still don't do "the thing" there is a failure to act. Sure for him it could be a failure to learn , be confident, act like an adult..but really it is a problem that he continually causes distress, and it is the continuing failure to address the distress that is deliberate.
"It doesn't matter that this pissed her off...again. And again..and again."

purplespottedelephant Sat 13-Aug-16 15:07:30

Thanks for the advice 605, haven't seen that thread, but think that's maybe a bit harsh, this was more of a lighthearted thread rather than a serious one, which is why I posted in aibu and not relationships. I'm sure there's plenty I do that winds my partner up too, none of us are perfect.

Worra, have already explained to him and told him he needs to do things for himself, I do agree more with a PP though don't necessarily think he does it on purpose think it is more of a confidence thing where he just likes the approval and support of knowing he's doing it correctly.

It just gets very irritating for me gringrin

Men eh? confused

smellyboot Sat 13-Aug-16 15:10:38

Same in our house. Needs constant reassurance. Drives me nuts

purplespottedelephant Sat 13-Aug-16 15:12:29

Sorry worra u were the previous poster that said that gringrin
Heads not with it today

Babyzoo Sat 13-Aug-16 15:16:05

I'm not sure but my dh is exactly the same with anything related to the house or the dc.

Constant questions about simple stuff.

I suppose it's because I do most of the household stuff with me working part time, a bit of laziness and a bit of knowing I might moan if it's done wrong.

scaryteacher Sat 13-Aug-16 15:19:08

Mine rang me from Belgium to ask how the washing machine worked! Given he is a C.Eng, I was a tad surprised that he couldn't work it out, even if the dials are in French/Flemish!

AnotherTimeMaybe Sat 13-Aug-16 15:22:22

Same here! I have to tell him everything otherwise he fucks up or doesn't do it
Feel for you it's just impossible to live with flowers

PrettyBotanicals Sat 13-Aug-16 15:24:01

When mine were babies, I was the breadwinner as my career paid more and it was daft to take a break then.

I'd always check things with my DH as I wanted continuity and safety for the DC.

Luckily he was quite patient with me as I asked a huge number of times, usually because I, like him, was tired and also my mind was usually on other things.

The years are short, have some patience and be kind to each other.

Mine are grown now, I no longer work.

I still ask a million times a week how to work the coffee machine....

Babyzoo Sat 13-Aug-16 15:26:10

With regards to strategic incompetence I'm pretty sure that both of the sexes can be guilty of that.

sonlypuppyfat Sat 13-Aug-16 15:26:21

No one in my house can do anything for themselves. Eg how long should I microwave this for? Me, until it's hot. Or will I be hot wearing this ffs your 17 I don't know how hot you feel. I'm asked questions all day bloody long

mathsmum314 Sat 13-Aug-16 15:29:57

How are you supposed to know how much milk to add to mash, there is a different amount of potato every time?
I was brought up with, "if you don't know ASK".

purplespottedelephant Sat 13-Aug-16 15:40:28

Maths mum yes I totally agree,
But..I don't need to ask someone every time I add milk to mash, I use my brain and work it out for myself.

Also how am I supposed to tell him how much milk to add when I'm not in even in the same room and busy doing something else?

purplespottedelephant Sat 13-Aug-16 15:40:41

Maths mum yes I totally agree,
But..I don't need to ask someone every time I add milk to mash, I use my brain and work it out for myself.

Also how am I supposed to tell him how much milk to add when I'm not in even in the same room and busy doing something else?

Griphook Sat 13-Aug-16 15:46:07

My stbexp did this all the time, often I think it's to absolve himself of responsibility, by asking me he squarely puts the blame if it goes wrong on me.

Today he asked if dc needed a jumper. I just keep repeating 'I don't know, what do you think now, then at least I'm not making all the choices

powershowerforanhour Sat 13-Aug-16 15:56:23

Ask him if he does this at work, and if not, why not? Answer: because his boss would think he's incompetent and lacking initiative, and he would get sacked or at least never promoted or given a payrise. Instead of doing it for him tell him that learning by doing is best, practice makes perfect etc. Or, if you're feeling especially annoyed, "Refer to my previous answer".

Ask back, "How do you turn the vacuum cleaner on?" Then they have to at least try, maybe?

Or "I'm sure however much milk you put in the mash, it'll end up ok - even if not, you'll know how to work it out for next time, eh?"

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast Sat 13-Aug-16 16:38:02

Sorry ,for the harsh advice up thread..I would like to revise what I have said into:
"Aw bless them that's men for you, " and I will as soon as I can make it back into the 1950s

kiki22 Sat 13-Aug-16 16:40:48

Dp always asks me what buttons to press on the washing machine its on>eco>start he says he can't remember.

Mine does suffer from memory problems I have recently started to wonder if he has dyspraxia, his mum always said it was linked to his dyslexia but lots of times I think its a little bit of laziness and a lack of confidence in doing things 'right'. I did point out he managed to learn the xbox buttons and how to work the remote control for the tv so surely the washing machine should be doable too.

Doobigetta Sat 13-Aug-16 16:53:03

My ex used to do this. As 655said, it's because you- your time, your energy- are worth less than him and his. You are supposed to feel honored that you are the one chosen to be his handmaiden, and take on the trivial and mundane business of getting through life for him so he can exist on a higher plane. I dumped him. Now I'm with an adult, who would be ashamed to be so lazy and incompetent. I'm very happy smile

purplespottedelephant Sat 13-Aug-16 16:58:01

Wow 665..where did that come from? hmmconfused

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