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To be angry DP isn't starting work until September?

(175 Posts)
peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 09:18:33

DP was offered a new job over a month ago which he accepted. He immediately handed in his notice with the company he was at. He didn't have a start date for the new job when he did this.

There has been a load of hassle over references. His last company are admittedly utterly rubbish, and the whole thing just turned into a massive, unnecessary drama.

Now he has been told by the new company that they won't be giving him a start date until the beginning of September! This means that he won't have been working or getting a wage for two months!

AIBU to be really upset about it? We had planned to book a cheap, last minute holiday for the second week in September which I was looking forward to massively. That is clearly now not going to happen. It's been an awful year to be frank. I've been off sick with crippling anxiety/ depression, and now back working at a really stressful job. We are ttc and that's causing me massive worry as well. I really just needed a break soon (we haven't been anywhere this year) and now I can't even have that. sad

He just has such an "everything will be fine" attitude about stuff. Actually it's not fine. I'm now even more stressed than I was and going to have to carry the burden of paying the majority of our outgoings until end of September. I should add I'm no high earner either, so it's going to be a struggle.

RubbleBubble00 Sat 13-Aug-16 09:25:01

well dp was a muppet handing his notice in before getting a start date

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 09:26:46

He certainly was RubbleBubble and now we are both paying the bloody price for it. sad

davos Sat 13-Aug-16 09:33:38

Tbf dh had a 'everything will be fine attitude' , I hated it.

But I have now realised that it's actually 'ok it's a mess, but I can't do much about it and me stressing about it won't make it better'

And a lot the time he is right.

He fucked up. He shouldn't have left one job without knowing his start date.

Is your holiday not happening because of finances or because he won't ask for time off?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Sat 13-Aug-16 09:34:46

It was a bit dim to hand his notice in before he knew when his start date would be, but there's nothing that can be done about that now. Would he have had an earlier start date if referencing had been quicker? It's not uncommon to avoid on boarding people in late August as so many people are away.

It's unlikely that he'll be able to help financially unless he has the type of job that he could pick up a few days work, but he could maybe help take the load off you in other ways? Is there anything you normally do that he could take over, so he has the lions share at home?

Were you relying on his first pay to book the holiday? If not, you could do a break at the end of August instead? Although it'll be more expensive, it does mean you get away. Does he have any restrictions on holidays in the first three months etc? Although sun seeking in October would require you to go further afield, so that may cost the same as August in the end.

Birdsgottafly Sat 13-Aug-16 09:37:20

""He certainly was RubbleBubble and now we are both paying the bloody price for it. ""

He's messed up, but how much of a price are you paying for it ? (just to be positive).

Can he use the time to catch up on jobs around the house, cook, clean etc, to give you a break, in that way?

If he isn't getting a start date until September, can you get the money together, get a temporary loan, to still go somewhere?

GingerbreadGingerbread Sat 13-Aug-16 09:39:28

Is this new job guaranteed to happen?

Bagina Sat 13-Aug-16 09:40:27

Don't people get agency work anymore?

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 09:45:02

I totally empathise Davos The "everything will be fine attitude" sometimes just feels like a bit of a cop out/relinquishing of responsibilities.

Holiday now not happening because of finances. I don't think he's even found out about their AL policy yet.

He would have had a start quicker AnchorDownDeepBreath They do the company rota a month in advance though. Now he's having to wait until the September rota due to references coming back late. I appreciate that isn't his fault of course, but I can't help feeling really upset about it.

We are actually doing up our flat at the moment. I might put his to work painting the bedroom if I can scrape the cost of the paint.

I'm basically going to have to resign myself to no holiday in the sun this year. I'd wanted to go to Greek Islands, but October just isn't the time of year. We can't afford to travel further afield. I know it's a minor issue in the scheme of life, but I can't help the way I feel.

BusStopBetty Sat 13-Aug-16 09:46:15

Well he can get his arse to an agency on Monday and get himself some temp work for a few weeks.

DeathStare Sat 13-Aug-16 09:49:08

Why don't you go on holiday before he starts his new job?

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 09:50:11

Birdsgottafly I can't get any holidays this month to go away. It's not possible due to other members of my team being off.

I am paying the price because I am having to pay the majority of the bills and outgoings now until the end of September. I've been on stat sick pay for months and now this is going to impact even more on me building my wage back up.

I'm fairly sure the new job is going to happen. It bloody better.

I really want to be fair about this situation. If IABU then please tell me. He's such a good partner in most respects and generally speaking we are very happy. I'm just feeling so disappointed over this.

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 09:51:27

We can't afford to go before he starts his new job Deathstare We haven't got the money and I can't get time off in August.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sat 13-Aug-16 09:52:28

He was incredibly irresponsible to hand in his notice until everything was sorted with his new job. Does he accept that?

I'm sorry you aren't getting your holiday.

However, I hate to be the voice of doom, but if I couldn't afford a tin of paint I wouldn't be booking holidays or TTC. (I appreciate you've lost two months of his wages, but if that's all that's making the difference then frankly that's pretty worrying - to me anyway).

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 09:54:47

I'm going to tell him to get to an agency on Monday actually. That's a good suggestion.

Would they offer immediate starts? I don't know much about agency work. He's a support worker/carer and he has an up to date DBS etc.

ExtraHotLatteToGo Sat 13-Aug-16 09:56:28

Carer? They'll rip his arms off for agency work! Why hasn't he been doing it since he stopped working?

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 09:56:44

I hear what you're saying ExtraHot Unfortunately I'm 37, so if I continue to put off ttc I could end up childless.

Our money problems mainly stem from my having been on long term sick since last year. I've just gone back to work.

DeathStare Sat 13-Aug-16 10:00:00

Would they offer immediate starts? I don't know much about agency work. He's a support worker/carer and he has an up to date DBS etc


I hate to scare you but I've had a job offer withdrawn before now when my previous employer dragged their feet about giving a reference (they were in the middle of a restructure and the place was in chaos). No job offer is safe until references have come through and a (non-provisional) contract has been signed.

Definitely get him looking for temporary work.

And if you have annual leave booked for the second week in September then why don't you go away either on your own or with a friend? Assuming you can afford it by then.

harshbuttrue1980 Sat 13-Aug-16 10:02:01

I think you're being unfair. He's trying his best, and this situation isn't really his fault. He worked while you were off sick, so its your turn to support him now until he finds work. That's what being a family is about.
I work full-time and haven't been able to take a foreign holiday for 5 years as I just can't afford it. I don't moan about it as I know I'm lucky to be able to afford rent, food and to run a car. A lot of people can't afford a holiday every year, so I really don't see that as a big deal.

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 10:04:47

I was afraid about the offer getting withdrawn as well Deathstare The reference is definitely through now though, and they've told him he can start at beginning of September.

He can bloody send his CV off to some agencies today though.

Going away on my own crossed my mind. If only for a few days. I'm stressed to bloody bits. I work two jobs, and my head is spinning most days. I'm actually expecting a decent tax rebate in the next few weeks. Theoretically I could use that money. Although I had really wanted to put it into savings like a sensible grown up. smile

Calaisienne Sat 13-Aug-16 10:06:12

Last for hols and Crete will be OK and cheap in October.
We are half way through August now so Sept isn't that far away
Get him to do all those niggling jobs in the house - washing blinds, clearing the ironing pile, painting the "nursery".

I suffer from Anxiety and Depression and have to focus on each thing that is stressing me and find a work around, or I just end up running in circles mentally screaming but not resolving anything

WalkingInTheAir13 Sat 13-Aug-16 10:06:54

Maybe you should postpone ttc for a while as it could add to the pressures, both financial and emotional, that you have described.
Perhaps wait at least until you see how DP's new job pans out.

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 10:08:12

I hear what you're saying Harshbuttrue

For a bit of background though. I actually work 2 jobs, and I had to stick at one even though I was out of my mind with anxiety. It's a voluntary job, but it comes with a rent free flat in London. So basically my DP gets to live in London rent free due to it. Not a bad deal I don't think.

Yes he was working during that time, but he was out of work before that and I paid for everything. It is swings and roundabouts of course, but I feel like I've been put in a shitty position this time due to his thoughtlessness, and (rightly or wrongly) I'm angry about it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Sat 13-Aug-16 10:08:16

He worked while you were off sick, so its your turn to support him now until he finds work. That's what being a family is about.

Good point.

peskyfeelings Sat 13-Aug-16 10:11:08

I know that running in circles feeling only too well Calaisienne It makes it so hard to see clearly sometimes doesn't it? Disaster always feels like it's lurking round the corner.

I simply can't postpone ttc Walkingintheair I'm too old to have the luxury and I suspect there's some fertility issues lurking for me anyway. Something else that's adding to my stress.

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