AIBU to feel sad at how much I get ditched for a better offer?(11 Posts)
Was supposed to meet up with a family member today, this was after Tuesday's meet up fell through as that case was a ditched for someone else, today really couldn't be helped but it has made me look back at just how often it happens.
My DC reaction said it all, I did explain why today really couldn't be helped, but I have long learnt not to tell them anything until just before it happens as we get let down again and again, family, or friends. I was ditched by my friend last week because she had some other stuff to do with someone, we rearranged for this week and her cousin threw a last minute event (nothing that had to be done on that particular day) so I got ditched again. DCs knew the 2nd time we were supposed to be meeting up so they were disappointed.
Every time I make arrangements with friends, I have to have it in my mind that it may not happen, it frequently doesn't. Previously a friend was supposed to come over as she made a big deal that I hadnt invited her over for ages, we arranged it, I sat and waited, she never showed. When I saw her, she forgot. We rearranged, I sat and waited, last minute text came through saying something before had overrun and she couldnt make it. Same with family. I can rely on exactly 1 person (apart from DH).
I had counselling a while ago and I can just hear my counsellor now saying "this is tapping into your feelings of worthlessness" so I at least understand why I am feeling so bloody crappy about it, but it doesn't stop me feeling to bloody crappy about it.
Is this what everyone is just like? Does everyone ultimately, constantly let you down?
I'd say I'm just going to stop making the effort with everyone but then I know I will hear from 1 friend maybe 2 and 1 family member and that will be it. A group of friends want me to arrange a night out (their instigation), I tried, people just weren't responding properly, I gave up and cancelled it. They nickname me their social secretary (which I don't actually like) as they want me to organise meet ups, which I do and invite everyone and we all say what a good group we have etc, but 2 of us have noticed that a few are doing stuff regularly and never ever ask us, although we are expected to include everyone and they are all pally to us at other times.
I know I'm being ridiculous and I know it's because I have other, stressful stuff going on and it's tipping me over the edge and in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter, but still...
If there's a friend or family member who does this regularly i'd start politely saying something like "are you sure this date is ok? I know the last few times we tried to meet up you had other stuff going on" or less passive agressively depending on the relationship "i know you're really busy atm but i do miss you / kids miss you etc and i feel like i'm not very high on your priorities. If you're too busy right noe for more than a call or text ok, but otherwise please make me important to you"
I have friends that do this. I stopped making an effort and have lost contact a little but I figured if they cared they would keep in touch!
hazel you wouldn't really send that text would you? It's gone 100 miles past passive aggressive and into desperate territory. If someone can't bet arsed to make the effort then don't bother begging them.
Well it does matter because it's hurtful for you. I think sometimes people can take you for granted, maybe they feel like even if they let you down you're not going to kick off or stop being friends, you'll still be "available" when they want you?
I went through this with a long time friend years ago - her casually cancelling at the last minute because of a better offer, being non commital about plans etc. I decided to become less available so would sometimes say "sorry I already have plans" if she suggested a particular date (even when I didn't) and I admit I also cancelled a couple of meet ups at short notice. Petty I know but honestly once I became less available she actually started to make more effort!
Do you think you give off the impression that this is an okay way to treat you?
I can't imagine being let down that often - I wouldn't be able to cope with it. I'm by no means strong or hardfaced, I hate confrontation and I'm very friendly and mild in real life, but I'd stop making plans with anyone who ditched me for a better offer. Nobody wastes my time like that, and makes me feel that small.
It's horrible, but maybe if you are giving off the impression this is okay, you could stop it by changing your behaviour? Don't let people think that you're happy to be a back-up option.
Otherwise I have no idea, but I'm really sorry.
I can completely empathise OP. I used to go through this time and time again. I now know which friends and family members are likely to let me down thanks to awful track records so I don't get excited about plans with some, knowing these are likely to be cancelled. It takes me a long time to reach this point as I give people a lot of chances. But sometimes, enough is enough.
The worst is when someone begs you to meet up as 'it has been ages'. Despite a date being finally agreed at least two weeks in advance because everyone is so busy and the numerous attempts to suggest fun activities, there invariably is a last minute text message saying they have double booked or had forgotten (yes despite numerous emails and text exchanges 🙄) and could they take a rain check. But they really, really want to see you. WTF?! It is rude and when a regular repetition, hurtful. Particularly when you spy social media posts about what a wonderful time the other person has had with the plans they have dumped you for. To be clear, I don't begrudge others having a great time. It is just horrid being so aware you that you are clearly a lower priority or less fun.
I now make sure I arrange plans to suit me and not dependent on the other person showing up. I have also given up bending backwards to please others such as juggling my DC's nap times to accommodate or travel across town because the other person's DC doesn't like your part of town, etc.... If someone begs off then I still go ahead on my own. I now refuse to encourage others to treat me as a disposable doormat! 👊🏻. It does make me feel a bit worthless to be set aside / discarded for a minute. But then I think of people who don't let me down and I now prioritise them.
Sorry about the essay / rant OP. Just hoping sharing my approach will help you. Remember that other people's behaviours are a reflection of their poor character.
I was always the back up friend. I stopped dropping everything to go running and now I have no friends. Sigh.
I think they do think it's ok to do this to me. I'm quite passive when it comes to confrontation. In fact omy friend has said we need to find out what's going on with the group and let them know we aren't too happy about them always excluding us but expecting to come along to everything we organise. She is right but the thought fills me with dread. I'm not tactful a d I'm quite pissed off a being treated like shit and an afterthought so I'm likely to not be overly diplomatic about it. I'll let her lead and agree .
My problem is, if I become less available, they wouldn't notice. I wouldn't hear from family at all. I sometimes 'test' them and I literally just don't hear anything. Same with most friends, they won't go out of their way to get in touch.
Maybe next time I won't reply "that's ok" or "no problem" and reply "that's disappointing/a shame, I was looking forward to seeing you?"
It just annoys me as everyone probably thinks they have a good enough reason but when it's person after person after person, it just makes me think what's the bloody point! Plus I'd never do this. If I make plans with someone, I'd not cancel unless it was something really important, I'd never ditch for a better offer or I'd do my best to fit both in.
Mouthful no i wouldn't but i figured OP would be less up for a confrontational oi, stop treating me like shit kind of chat
While I can see what you were saying hazei I wouldn't say it. I think in future I'm not going to go down the "no problems, that's fine" route. It makes me look like a pushover even though I'm really pissed off about it. I think it's going to be a "that's a shame" reply.
Today I said we are due to meet up with someone this week, no firm plans yet, and the first thing DS said is "I'll be really cross if they cancel on us" so he has already picked up on just how much this happens, despite me not even telling him plans a lot of the time now because of this. I hate seeing how disappointed my kids get over this.
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