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Am I being silly? SIL

(85 Posts)
Steviea88 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:11:06

I've been a lurker here for a while but this is my first post so please go easy grin

My SIL is in her early thirties and single. She definitely wants her own children But unfortunately she has just not met the right person yet.

Anyway, I have a DS from a previous relationship and now have a DD with husband. She is now 6 months old.

The thing that is really getting to me is how over the top SIL is with DD. She has literally sprinted through a shopping mall to get to the baby after not seeing her for 2 days.
It's like she needs to prove to people (I don't know who) that she really loves her.
She tries to undermine anything I say.
'No, please don't pick her up she's settled'
'Please don't feed her that...'
And still continues to do as she pleases. I just keep quiet as not to cause an argument.

She constantly calls my DD 'My Baby' and posts hundreds of photos on Facebook.
She so so p*ssed off when she wasn't asked to be godparent and had a strop for the whole day (we had no family, and she's not religious and priest needed to see certificates anyway)

It may all sound a bit silly, but everyone has noticed it. Family, our friends.
She sees us at least twice a week so it's not like she doesn't see her much.
She will come unannounced to our home and If the baby is asleep she has no qualms about waking her up.

The thing that has got to be today is that it's MIL birthday. SIL has posted photos on Facebook of DS and DD with MIL and the usual happy birthday, we love you etc.
But she has decided to put 'to the best nanny in the world, we both love you lots'
AIBU to think that this isn't her place to do so?
Obviously DD is the 1st grandchild for his parents and I think that that should come from me and DP?

I know in lucky to have someone love my children as much as us but sometimes it's so overbearing and I feel like she is trying to take over!

Should I say something ?

BalloonSlayer Thu 11-Aug-16 12:22:47

Hmm I think I'd say something when she goes to wake up dd, a sharp "What do you think you are doing going to wake MY baby up" Your keeping quiet so as not to have an argument is what is letting her think she can do this.

But the facebook I'd be a bit more, um, not sure of the word, sneaky perhaps?

So maybe I'd have replied "Oooh, who's we? Is there a new man in your life?" or something, ie pretending to not know who she means because there is no way on Earth you would expect someone to be "speaking" for two children who are not even hers.

But actually I'd probably just leave it, as you say everyone has noticed.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 11-Aug-16 12:25:40

you need to be a bit firmer. asap. you are only going to get a lot more troubleif not.

Pearlman Thu 11-Aug-16 12:26:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Thu 11-Aug-16 12:27:48

Anyone who would have woken my sleeping baby would get a firm 'leave them be, they're sleeping' and a hmm.

Be firmer and don't let her take over.

QueenofallIsee Thu 11-Aug-16 12:28:58

I would be lying if I said that would not agravate me and I might say something sharp in real life . I think that I would really try to see that this is actually quite a sad thing...if she is desperate for kids but none on the horizon she is filing a void that won't ever be filled until she has her own baby or accepts that she won't have one. You are well within your rights to set boundaries and not be overruled by your SIL with baby, for sleeping/eating etc and if she carried on with that nonsense she would find herself not being welcome in my house, but i wouldn't plan to say anything about the over excitment/excessive displays of love

MidnightAura Thu 11-Aug-16 12:29:48

Yanbu! I have nieces and nephews, I don't have children. I never, ever act like that.

It's great that she adores your DD but she shouldn't be taking over I.e waking your baby up. That's just rude. I think in that instance you need to say something!

With Facebook, it does sound a bit weird but short of asking her not to upload pics I'm not sure how you would deal with that. People will realise anyhow.

BagPusscatnip Thu 11-Aug-16 12:33:26

I met a mum at a baby group once; she was an older mother with a DD of 18 and the newborn. She told me that her DD18 would behave as you are describing. She said that she would remind DD18 at every opportunity "she is my baby, not yours."

NavyandWhite Thu 11-Aug-16 12:38:57

Does she actually go and wake your baby up in her cot?

I don't understand the people that say ' she says she's my baby thing and I don't like it.

It's not like it means anything is it? You know she's your baby.

Is your sil close to her brother?
Maybe she's just feeling broody. I don't think she's done anything that bad in actual fact.

Steviea88 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:43:06

Thanks for all your replies.

I do tell her no, and she still goes against it. If I carry on she will have a strop and then we will have MIL calling up and it would all be my fault.

I have asked DP to have words before but when it comes to family he has no balls and won't say anything and I look the bad one.

It's just a lot sometimes, especially when baby ain't sleeping well and someone wakes them and pisses off home hmm

I love her to pieces and she would do anything for us, that's why I invite her to dinner a lot and try to involve her with us sometimes because I feel quite sorry that she hasn't got that family life that she craves. She spends every weekend and spare moment either us or with IL's. And if we are busy then it's 'out of order'

I suppose I just need to be a bit more brunt when telling her no.

cosmicglittergirl Thu 11-Aug-16 12:44:34

Absolutely no way let her wake the baby! I'd ignore the FB stuff, just makes her look weird.

FuckFaceMagee Thu 11-Aug-16 12:45:51

I feel bit bad for her but I was the same way once.

Not long after I had DD my SiL did this also. It upset and angered me as I had a very difficult pregnancy and birth experience, with PND and I'll health in both DD and myself.

DH told her to stop calling DD 'my baby' due to the shit I went through. She took offense and said "it's only because I love her so much, I don't mean anything by it"

Your partner needs to speak to her.

NavyandWhite Thu 11-Aug-16 12:46:02

It sounds like you have a good relationship in general.

I would preempt the waking baby business, so when she comes say straight away ' DD has just gone down so let's keep it quiet you can have a cuddle as soon as she's up ' type thing.

lionsleepstonight Thu 11-Aug-16 12:47:01

I had a similar situation which was tolerable, until said SIL had her own DC and dropped DS like a ton of hot bricks. Unfortunately DS was old enough to be aware of what happened, so it was rather sad for him.

gingerbreadmanm Thu 11-Aug-16 12:47:32

oh dear i am cringeing a bit reading this. i was quite similar to this with my dniece apart from the crazy stuff like waking baby and calling her mine

i just really really love her. nothing to prove to anyone else. i just think she's amazing and i love to spend time with her.

im well aware she's not mine though but i have probably crossed the line a few times.

i like to think db and dsil are glad of the help / that she is loved but i could be wrong.

StillStayingClassySanDiego Thu 11-Aug-16 12:48:45

She spends every weekend and spare moment either us or with IL's. And if we are busy then it's 'out of order'

Oh my God, I'd end up killing her!, she continues to ignore you when you've said not to wake her up?

Has she not any friends that she sees at the weekend?, get her online dating, anything!

fourbumsonarugbypost Thu 11-Aug-16 12:50:04

Could you flip it a bit and constantly refer to her as Auntie?

You are the best auntie ever, how kind of auntie to bring you that, are you ready for auntie cuddles etc?

Reminds her of her place but isn't mean even written down - might be a but PA though

QueenofallIsee Thu 11-Aug-16 12:50:36

I should probably just add that I have JUST realised that I call my Nephew (9mths) 'my sweet boy' quite often! As in 'has my sweet boy been sleeping for Mummy'...genuinely never thought about it until I read this thread (I have 4 of my own, no missed motherhood excuses)

maybe she is as crap as I am! blush

Steviea88 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:51:24

She has woke her up from her cot, yes. Or tries to stomp about and shout down from upstairs if baby is asleep. Then just brings her down saying 'look who was awake'
If it was a one off and she didn't see her much then I could completely understand. But it's continuous. Even if we meet them and baby is asleep in pram, as soon as my back is turned she's picked her up.

I think she feels that I took her brother away from her a bit. They are not that close but I think he wishes they were more so. There is only 4 years between them but she tries to mother him a lot.

Dp doesn't like doing much her SIL as he is embarrassed of the way she is at times, but I do encourage it as I know she is pretty lonely.

But my husband works 6 days a week, and DS goes to his dad's every other weekend so we dot get much family time just the 4 of us.

If we do try and do something just us I am made to feel guilty about it.

I won't say anything to her unless she tries to wake baby up again, or feed her inappropriate things.

The last thing I want to do is upset her.

Steviea88 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:57:45

I have 9 neices and nephews and love them dearly. I still take them out now. Well, The younger ones and I enjoy it.
I don't think the 'my baby' part would bother me at all if it wasn't all the other little things with it.

I love seeing her playing with the kids and it's so nice knowing that she is there if we need her.
But just not ALL the time.
She has just bought the house opposite ours! Can see into each other's rooms so has been coming round a lot more the last few weeks.

It's nice to have the help offered and I appreciate it, I really do!
I don't want to come across as being a bitch.

I've tried the auntie thing.

Steviea88 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:58:35

That was she* not he.

She wishes they were more close.

DP would rather just do Christmas and birthdays

HereIAm20 Thu 11-Aug-16 12:58:49

My sister although younger than me had her first baby 6 years before I had my first. For 6 years I was a doting aunt , buying lots of presents for my nephew and so on. When I had my own that dwindled somewhat as I had my own to buy cute stuff for. I am sorry to say that when she had her 2nd and 3rd (after my first) they got presents on occasions and when they were born etc but not in the way I showered my first (pre-my-own) nephew.

She is just excited. I would obviously not let her make decisions about routines, food etc but bear in mind she probably is just excited.

TaliZorahVasNormandy Thu 11-Aug-16 12:58:56

My best friend has always called DD "Her baby" I've never minded because my friend respects that I'm the mum, my rules apply.

But your SIL doesnt even respect you as a mother. She's certainly not thinking of your DD when she's waking her up, she's just thinking of herself.

Grow some lady balls and tell her, if she wakes the baby, she's gotta leave.

madgingermunchkin Thu 11-Aug-16 13:03:15

She is an adult, and it is not your job to babysit her because she's lonely. It's not going to help her build her own life and meet someone to have her own family with.
I'd pull back a bit and start having other plans. Next time she comes over during nap time warn her that if she can't respect that baby is sleeping and wakes her up she will not be allowed in the house during nap time.

You have two choices; put your foot down and become "the bad guy" for a bit (and you need to have a word with you DP that he's not the only one responsible for them not being close. It has to come from both of them, and she's not behaving in a way that facilitates this. And to grow a pair.) Or you can carry on and let things continue. Up to you.

Inertia Thu 11-Aug-16 13:04:51

I think you have to be prepared to upset her - she has no qualms about upsetting you or your baby.

Your baby is not a toy. She is a tiny, vulnerable person who has needs of her own - such as the need to have undisturbed sleep - and she relies on her parents to meet those needs. You and your husband are so desperate to avoid upsetting an over-indulged adult that your baby's needs are coming a very distant second. The last person you should be willing to upset should be your baby, not your SIL.

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