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would you leave your partner if they didn't see your DSC?

(214 Posts)
mendimoo Wed 10-Aug-16 23:42:07

DP has a ten year old DD from his previous marriage. I have DS (7) and we have (almost) 2 year old DD together. We met when I was pregnant with DS and we had DSD 80% of the time, with me caring for DSD while he worked very frequently. DPs ex stopped contact for a year when DSD was 6. DSD was amazing when contact was reinstated and we all got along fabulously again. Then when she was 8 her mum stopped contact again and this time DP went to court and had it reinstated. Again, DSD was very happy to be seeing us again. Her mum has openly admitted she's jealous when DSD goes back talking about being happy here and the contact stoppage was for very minor reasons - like not being able to watch DSD in her Christmas concert because DP was in hospital.

Fifteen months ago, DPs ex stopped contact again. She was angry because her and DSD had fallen out and DSD said she preferred it here. DPs ex said if he sought contact via court she'd fabricate allegations against him. DP felt dejected and resigned himself to having no power and not seeing DSD until she was old enough to be able to manage it herself.

Yesterday, DP received a message saying: "Hello daddy, it's DSD. I'd really like to see you, can you come and pick me up soon?" We don't know if it's really from DSD or his ex but I think either way it's a way of getting to see DSD again and that he should jump at the chance. He, however, has no intention of replying and says it's just his ex playing games. I keep imagining poor DSD sitting waiting for a reply, wondering why we don't want to see her etc and feel heartbroken for her. Aibu to think I can't be with someone that wouldn't do everything in their power to see their child? I can't believe he'd actually wait another 4/5 years rather than have a stressful time now.

situatedknowledge Wed 10-Aug-16 23:48:13

Could he text her back suggesting she phones for a catch up?

abigwideworld Wed 10-Aug-16 23:49:27

YANBU. If I were your DP I'd be trying a lot harder to sort this out than he is.

mendimoo Thu 11-Aug-16 00:09:35

He has categorically said he will not respond.

Damselindestress Thu 11-Aug-16 00:15:11

To be fair, his ex sounds like a nightmare and he might be scared of her threats but he is the adult here and should stand up to her not leave his DD to deal with her. He needs to get legal advice. I would worry about raising children with someone who seems to see his older child as an optional rather than essential part of his life. If he goes for contact, even if it doesn't go in his favour, he can honestly tell his DD when she is older that he did everything he could.

JudyCoolibar Thu 11-Aug-16 00:15:56

If the message is genuine, it would be very silly just to go and pick her up. It would almost certainly lead to the ex screaming abduction. However, it would make sense for your DP to contact his ex and try to reopen negotiations. But I don't think it is something to leave him for.

RubyCav Thu 11-Aug-16 00:16:27

YANBU - I could never stay with someone who wasn't bothered about their DC. Not fighting it to me, says he thinks "contact with DC is not worth any aggro"

brambly Thu 11-Aug-16 00:21:48

YANBU to be disappointed in or angry with him, although I think leaving him at this stage would be a bit premature. I understand why you'd be having doubts though.

If he genuinely believes that his ex may be responsible for the text then I imagine that, logically, he would think it's some kind of trap?

If the ex has cut contact then I'd say it's a lot more likely that your DSD sent it and I agree that your DP writing it off like this is incredibly stupid, but has he given any indication that he's going to give up altogether?

Even if the ex HAD sent the text message, why would this preclude him from calling his little girl?

I think this needs a frank discussion, basically, and I would be very blunt with him about what it looks like when someone says and does things that imply that taking the high road over a spiteful ex is more important to them than their young child's emotional wellbeing.

Has he said anything about his longer term plans? He may not want to respond to this message, however stupid and destructive that may prove, but presumably he wants to speak to his daughter again at some stage in the near future?

blondieblondie Thu 11-Aug-16 00:21:53

From similar experience, and with hindsight. I'd find it very hard to respect a man who wasn't walking over hot coals to see his child.

Yes, it might be the ex. In which case he has proof of her devious behaviour, should she make whatever allegations. But it might be his daughter, wondering why Daddy has deserted her, and providing proof she wants him in her life.

If she comes back to him in 4/5 years, how the hell will be justify not fighting for her?

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 11-Aug-16 00:22:09

For starters I'd have no time for a man who couldn't sort out his ex wife's ridiculous threats & not fight for contact. L

But fuck me, how heartless would you need to be to ignore that text & rely on it being from the ex-wife and not your DD?

There'd be no future for me with him.

GiddyOnZackHunt Thu 11-Aug-16 00:37:21

Would it not be reasonable to text back"Hi dd. It would be lovely to see you. Ask mum to call me".
If it is xw then it's innocuous and if it's dsd then it still works.

AcrossthePond55 Thu 11-Aug-16 00:43:06

He's wrong. He's and adult and knows better than to get his hopes up in case it is the ex, but why would he risk hurting his child's feelings to save his own?

I couldn't be with a man who wouldn't fight to see their child.

Somerville Thu 11-Aug-16 00:50:36

Yes, I would leave my partner if he had children that he didn't show that he loved in every single way we could. Whether that's fighting for contact or paying as much of the real cost of raising a child as he could possibly afford.

MiaowJario Thu 11-Aug-16 00:56:51

It could give me serious pause. Whoever's fault this is, it ain't your DSD's. Chrissakes men fight in wars to protect their kids, what's a slightly arsey ex compared to that?

Enoughisenough9 Thu 11-Aug-16 01:00:50

YANBU. I'm sorry, it must be hard for you.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants Thu 11-Aug-16 01:22:48

His ex sounds like a nightmare. However, his daughter is another matter. A decent parent would contact her, see if she was ok and if the message was her or not. A selfish parent would ignore it. Sounds very selfish to me....

Amelie10 Thu 11-Aug-16 02:43:50

Why is she allowed to cut contact whenever she feels like it? What happened when your oh went to court? Surely there is some contact order in place where she is legally bound to not do this? Your oh shouldn't just accept this.

MiscellaneousAssortment Thu 11-Aug-16 03:38:35

Oh for fucks sake. I lost a long post so rewrote and I've sodding lost it again!!!! Can't believe I didn't copy it before pressing post.

In very very brief summary:

I don't find selfishness attractive.

I don't find a father choosing to place his own feelings and difficulties with his ex above his love for his child. And her need for her daddy.

Oh yeah, that's all so sexy.

I'd also wonder when he would find his role as my partner too difficult and how easy he would drop me when the going gets tough. And how much he really cares about his other children? The kind of love that gets a message of need and distress from his child, and ignores it, is not the kind of love I'd prize.

If that text is from his daughter, does he really think she's going to take charge of her broken father- daughter bond and go a chasing him to plead for him to love and care for her? It's a nice piece of sliding out of being the adult, and leaving it to her to be the grown up in a few years.

Oh soooo sexy. Rah rah.

"Hi dad, now I'm a teenager I've come to find out, although when I called for you, you didn't even answer. You did nothing. You walked away. But hey, that's ok, after all I know my place".

Oh yes indeed. That's a man I want to grow old with.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 11-Aug-16 04:00:22

Does he have written evidence of his ex saying she would fabricate allegations? text or email? Or was it all verbal? Because I would have made damn sure I kept anything saying that, just in case.

I think he has to send a text directly to his DD, frankly. Or, if he's still allowed to see her at school, maybe he should drop a note into the school to be given to her there, explaining that he can't contact her via the phone in case her mum sees it. NO need to explain why!

But he absolutely SHOULD respond in case it is indeed his DD - he can't just leave it, that's dreadful!

mygorgeousmilo Thu 11-Aug-16 05:20:48

YANBU I broke up with an ex over his disinterest in his daughter. The difference was, though, that we had no children together, so was potentially an easier split. We were together for 4 years. Your DSD being the sender of the the message or the mother or whatever.... Who cares?! He needs to reinstate contact, one way or another. That poor child!

OnionKnight Thu 11-Aug-16 06:20:36

Why is his ex getting away with being an absolute arsehole?

MidnightAura Thu 11-Aug-16 07:12:39

Yanbu, your DP cannot ignore this message. As so many others have said already how will he justify it when she's old enough to not be dependent on her Mum to arrange contact? His DD won't want to know him and quite right.

QuiteLikely5 Thu 11-Aug-16 07:16:49

Massive confusion here - you said he went to court to have contact reinstated so what happened to the court order????

Ragwort Thu 11-Aug-16 07:25:46

Totally agree with MiscellaneousAssortment - I would not want to be with someone who was so uninterested in his own child - out of interest where is your DS's DF in all of this? I know it's not 'cool' to say this but I feel desperately sorry for children in these fractured relationships - I have a close relation who has children with three different fathers, none of whom live with her, it is such a chaotic lifestyle with number court appearances and social services involvement sad.

Not saying your life is like this but it is just so sad for the children involved.

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