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Tell me I ABU - Pretty sure I am

(39 Posts)
WhoopiGholdbergsGlasses Tue 09-Aug-16 13:44:47

NC'd for this as quite outing but am a regular.

Me and DP been together 2 years. He has four children whom I adore, we live together, moving to a bigger house in the next few weeks and are building a happy, fun life together. We love each other very very much and talk about marriage regularly.
We would love to get married but he is still currently married to his ExW -Divorce proceedings are starting now, amicably from both of them. All good.
It was my birthday on Friday.
He asked me months ago what I wanted and I had been dropping rather large hints for an eternity ring. (I know, I know) I sent him links to some (Just from Argos, none were more than a tenner because we are skint at the moment with the housemove and I'm a cheap cow )
At first he didn't respond to my messages about it, and when I casually bought it up he said he 'didn't really get it'
I explained that it would mean a lot to me and said that I thought it would be a nice way of showing that, whilst we can't get married at the moment, we are committed to each other.
He was on his phone one evening and said he was looking at the rings, I even told him my ring size. He works round the corner form Argos. So was very much expecting it.

My birthday comes and no ring sad

He didn't say why and I didn't mention it. He got me some makeup I had sent him the link for, which was lovely.

I just feel hurt. I think if I hadn't made it so clear how much it would mean to me I wouldn't be so bothered, but there's no way he couldn't have known.
I casually mentioned if he had thought about getting a ring and he said he hadn't thought about it but it would be nicer for us to get it together.

I don't really see that, I think it means more to go out of your way to do something as a gift. And this was only said after I bought it up, so not sure that was the plan anyway, I think he just couldn't be bothered sad

I am PG at the moment so might be hormones, but I really don't know.
I think it's made worse because I was convinced he would have remembered, I made it pretty obvious. smile
I am torn between speaking to him about how much it would mean to me but sounding like a brat.

Thisisnotausername Tue 09-Aug-16 13:47:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fanofthevoid Tue 09-Aug-16 13:49:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gazelda Tue 09-Aug-16 13:50:22

You've a lot going on in your life at the moment! Congratulations on your pregnancy, try to put the ring thing to the back of your mind - don't let it spoil the happiness.

Maybe he's thinking that events have got mixed up from the traditional order, ie divorce first, house second, pregnancy third, engagement, marriage, eternity ring.

There's nothing wrong with the way you've done it, by that might be an explanation? Or he wants to save every penny for a beautiful engagement ring? Or is planning on an eternity ring on the birth of your child?

I could be way off the mark,but don't necessarily consider this thoughtless of him - it might be the opposite!

WhoopiGholdbergsGlasses Tue 09-Aug-16 13:51:03

Thank you for replying, I'm driving myself mad here!

Yes, I agree, but once I'd explained to him the reasoning why (Not being able to get married ATM, being committed in every other way etc) he said he understood.
Agree he should have told me so I wasn't expecting it, I think that's the worst part actually.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 09-Aug-16 13:52:02

Unfortunately, yes you are.
You can't make someone buy you a ring like that.
For me eternity rings are for after you are married.
Engagement ring
Wedding ring
Eternity ring
That's how it goes.
I know you don't have to stick to tradition but maybe your DP wants to.
Who knows.

As he works around the corner from Argos and had all the details he needed I don't think it's because he couldn't be bothered.
It's probably more bother to buy the make-up.

Give him some space. He's not even divorced yet and you are wanting commitment rings.
Slow down (easier said than done now you are pregnant - congrats by the way).
I've recently divorced and marriage is the furthest thing from my mind.
I know I'd never do it again so give him time!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Tue 09-Aug-16 13:55:22

Reminds me of my school days when classmates were "getting eternitised" with £3.99 rings from Argos grin

Sorry OP, I know that's not helpful when you're feeling a bit crap. You'll look back on this and laugh one day. Blame the hormones!

WhoopiGholdbergsGlasses Tue 09-Aug-16 13:57:59

Oh you're probably right.

I cried at a Herbal Essences advert yesterday.

WhoopiGholdbergsGlasses Tue 09-Aug-16 13:57:59

Oh you're probably right.

I cried at a Herbal Essences advert yesterday.

StillDrSethHazlittMD Tue 09-Aug-16 13:58:25

So you sent him a link to the make-up as well as the ring? So he did still get you something that you actually said you wanted, as opposed to say, going "off list" and buying you a broom or a toilet seat?

YABU. But we'll put it down to hormones.

WhoopiGholdbergsGlasses Tue 09-Aug-16 13:58:26

Twice, apparently.

Lilmisskittykat Tue 09-Aug-16 13:59:27

I might be being very daft here.. But where is the significance of an enter both ring before a proposal (engagement ring) and wedding?

For me I understood that you bought that after your first child together not for a birthday... So maybe just maybe he wants to give you an eternity ring then? I don't know but it's a symbolic ring and if it were my dh he'd want it to be linked to something special like giving it on birth of your child not b day?

PotteringAlong Tue 09-Aug-16 14:01:19

Surely there is nothing less romantic than your partner sending you a link to an Argos eternity ring and then expecting it? How would that have demonstrated any sort of commitment? You might as well have just been to the shop and got it for yourself.

ProcrastinatingNow Tue 09-Aug-16 14:02:23

I've been married to DH for 16 years and I still don't have an eternity ring.

I understand it may be symbolic for you but he's not even divorced yet. You've got so much on with the move and being pregnant that I really wouldn't worry about it. Maybe he's waiting until he can buy you a 'nice' quality ring?

You're having a baby together and setting up home. That's a pretty big commitment imo.

Good luck with the pregnancy

Lilmisskittykat Tue 09-Aug-16 14:02:57

That was obviously supposed to read eternity ring ... iPhone problems!!

Bomb Tue 09-Aug-16 14:11:52

I am able confirm that YABU wink

You have only been together and are already pregnant - the poor bloke already has four (FOUR shockshockshockshock!!) kids and you are worrying about eternity rings. You need to slow right down and stop rushing things. You are already pregnant and buying a house together having a ring doesn't change anything. I don't understand how having a ring a a better sign of 'commitment' than having a baby???

Btw congrats on the pregnancy

NuggetofPurestGreen Tue 09-Aug-16 14:17:16

I think the OP means a commitment ring more than an eternity ring - like a pre-engagement ring? To me eternity ring is what you get on your first anniversary.

I'm on the fence about this - I can see why he doesn't get it, but I can also see why the OP is disappointed when it was specifically asked for. In general, I think requesting a specific present is pointless and you may as well just buy it yourself, but in this case the OP is pregnant, hormonal, would presumably like to be engaged and so would like something symbolic as a PP put it.

WhoopiGholdbergsGlasses Tue 09-Aug-16 14:26:03

nugget Yes, that's what I mean, thank you.

PP's are right though. I think it was just a disappointed shock because I was expecting it.

category12 Tue 09-Aug-16 14:26:45

I dunno, a tenner for an eternity ring that he doesn't 'get'...

Knowing it was what you wanted, he should have come up with a reason not to give it to you.
Acceptable reasons being -
- I want to give you something better when we can afford it
- I want to do things traditional order
- I am not ready to give you an eternity ring
Silence isn't acceptable.

But is this about the ring or feeling insecure and wanting some sort of outward sign of commitment? What would make you feel safe?

PersianCatLady Tue 09-Aug-16 14:28:11

I think that maybe you need to give him time before he starts thinking about any kinds of rings.

I know it must be disappointing for you but he isn't legally out of his last marriage yet, perhaps he is not quite ready to be thinking about marriage again yet.

I know that you wanted an eternity ring but some men really don't fully understand the difference between an engagement ring and an eternity ring.

Personally I would maybe expect one for your next birthday.

WhoopiGholdbergsGlasses Tue 09-Aug-16 14:29:56


That's probably it. I don't know. I just feel like I've made a lot of sacrifices for him and it would be an outward way of saying thank you.
Now I'm crying FFS, sorry.

JudyCoolibar Tue 09-Aug-16 14:30:03

Strictly tradition demands eternity rings on the 40th wedding anniversary. so you are being a bit premature!

CotswoldStrife Tue 09-Aug-16 14:33:12

From the OP's original post

We love each other very very much and talk about marriage regularly.

I can see you wanting a sign of commitment especially as you are pregnant but if one of my friends turned up with any kind of relationship ring (and tbh it does sound a bit like you would see it as an engagement ring) from someone who was still married to someone else I'd be hmm I suspect he'll feel differently when he's single, if you see what I mean. If he seems happy about the idea of marriage in the future but just doesn't want to get a ring yet that seems fair.

Congrats on the pregnancy!

Pearlman Tue 09-Aug-16 14:33:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoopiGholdbergsGlasses Tue 09-Aug-16 14:37:22

I absolutely wouldn't see it as an engagement ring, I'd find that pretty gross when he is still married, trust me, I have made that very clear.
He talks frequently about us getting married in the future, he's even told his mum and his friends his plan to propose.

Pearlman yes I think that's fair.

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