To be disconcerted at DPs response

[Kez437]

Last night, myself, DP and DPs brother were watching the Olympic diving and gymnasts.
I was commenting on the physique/attractiveness of the athletes in a light hearted way. DP is a sportsman who has a pretty impressive body and he knows I find him gorgeous, this is nothing that would ever have annoyed him before.
He basically snapped and yelled at me to stop talking. I was mortified in front of his brother and really taken aback. He apologised after and I apologised also as I hadn't meant offend him. He reassured me I hadn't and was hugging me and telling me he loved me.
He's been going through a tough time recently and I've been very supportive but I know sometimes he still struggles. That being said I can't shake how I feel about his response and it's been bugging me all night, it wasn't what he said but how he said it, there was so much anger and venom that it really threw me. Don't really know how to put this into words or get past it as what I was saying was clearly wrong? I just feel really strange about the whole thing. Any advice?

[blushrush]

Is this snapping at you behaviour a regular occurrence? If so, then it needs addressing.

He can't just flip out at you and then apologise and think that makes everything better again. If something is bothering him, he needs to talk to you first, rather than waiting until it boils over.

[Amelie10]

He shouldn't have snapped but tbh I wouldn't like it if my DH was going on commenting about another person's attractiveness in front of other people.

[SkafaceClaw]

Does he comment on the female Olympian's attractiveness in front of you?

[SkafaceClaw]

*Sorry please ignore my apostrophe - for shame!

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Sometimes people shout. It clearly really hit a nerve for him. I really don't think he should be too harshly judged on this one reaction. I have to admit I wouldn't sit there commenting on the 'attractiveness' of other men in front of dh more than maybe one throw away comment.

[Kez437]

Hi thanks for the replies.
You are all right, my comments were inappropriate and I am annoyed at myself for them, this is not something I do commonly but it is also not something that I would have expected to annoy DP (admittedly he said generally it wouldn't).
I totally understand why he would be annoyed but it was just the volatility of the way he reacted that was so out of character and I also wish he had waited until his brother wasn't there. Like I said there has been a lot going on recently and tbh I am totally drained. I was only trying to be jovial and engage us in it a show and also to try and cheer him up (I was talking about the games also generally) and I just felt totally disheartened by his response.

[davos]

Is this a regular thing?

If it's a one off, I would let it go. Everyone loses their temper occasionally. Or at least most.

I wouldn't like dh to sit and keep commenting on how hot someone was, even though I know he loves me.

I can't say I have never over reacted in my life and would be surprised if anyone honestly can.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

So, you were trying to cheer up your DP who is going through a tough time by making comments about the attractiveness of other men?

[Amelie10]

If my DH was doing this In front of someone else I would probably want to tell him to shut up and then actually say it if it was carrying on. It was inappropriate of you. Just leave it at that.

[gleam]

I think you were probably ott and your dp had enough.

[acasualobserver]

Only time will tell whether this was a one-off attributable to the tough time he's been having, or something more worrying. However, by the sounds of it, I think it's likely the first.

[GinandTits]

Embarassing he acted like that in company, even if it is his brother but if it was a one off I'd let it go.

[FeckinCrutches]

If we were watching ladies volleyball and my husband was banging on about how fit/attractive the women in front of someone I'd probably be annoyed as well. I probably wouldn't have yelled but he'd obviously snapped for some reason.

[dodobookends]

Ah, I see what happened here... Men were watching Sport on the telly, and you actually interrupted this important activity by talking?

[Amelie10]

dodo where did you pick that one up from. The op gave the reason why but feel free to dig up and make up stuff .

[FeckinCrutches]

What a load of shite Dodo. You're really reaching there.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

You were disrespectful, he snapped, you both apologised. Job done.

Don't dwell on it.

[ParadiseCity]

I feel really quite icky/uncomfortable in any conversation which is leering at bodies, male or female. I just don't think looks matter in the slightest and it belittles the actual reason the person is there. But I would never start yelling at someone for their comments. If you don't like what someone is saying, tell them calmly, leave the room, whatever, but there is no need to be nasty.

[logosthecat]

It sounds to me like you touched a nerve, without meaning to. Sometimes, when we feel vulnerable, things that normally wouldn't bother us become painful and we can react more strongly than we normally would. I think your shock at this speaks volumes that this is actually a good relationship normally.

The main thing is that you say this is a really rare and unusual occurrence, so it's not part of a bullying pattern, and you resolved the situation quickly, like adults, both of you accepting your share of blame.

I would let it go, but bear in mind that your DH might be struggling more than you think, and might need more positive comments/bigging up than usual. A bit of extra kindness can make someone having a tough time feel very much more supported.

[situatedknowledge]

Unless you were saying that he really wasn't up to scratch and that he should be making more effort with his physical appearance I honestly think that is is bonkers that he had any problem with it at all! These athletes are absolutely peak physical specimens because they spend their whole lives making sure they are exactly that.

DH and I have both commented on the physiques of both male and female athletes over the last few days. We have also noticed how different they all are (especially noticeable with the synch divers) and how amazingly adaptable the human body is.

I'd be concerned about why he reacted like that tbh.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Well I was commenting with my DP about the mens bodies (Diving).
And the American!! Very hot!!
He would do the same about female athletes.
We are both more than comfortable enough in our relationship to just agree with one another and not take offence.

But if your DP is stressed and you hit a nerve then you apologise.
And you did and so did he.
You can move on from this.

[blitheringbuzzards1234]

Often people snap when they're out of sorts or worried about something else - an innocent remark can act as a catalyst. So, don't necessarily take it to heart. He said sorry. Maybe he needs to open up about his worries more instead of keeping them inside in order to appear 'strong'?

[Kez437]

This has been helpful and very therapeutic!
Dodo I can assure you that was definitely not the case.
Logos hellsbells and blithering I think you are right, clearly I hit a nerve when he was vulnerable so maybe some 'bigiing up' wouldn't go amiss. He's usually so confident and self-assured and I'm sure he knows I fancy the pants of him but maybe even men need reassurance about how they look sometimes. Time to move on and let it go.
Thanks everyone!

[lastqueenofscotland]

If he had been sitting there going on about how gorgeous Dafne schippers is, how pretty gabby Douglas is, katrina Johnson Thompson looking amazing would you have snapped?
If it's a one off I'd let it lie.

[StillDrSethHazlittMD]

OP: "I'm sure he knows I fancy the pants of him but maybe even men need reassurance about how they look sometimes"

See, men aren't necessarily different from women at all. If a man said on MN that "I'm sure my DW knows I fancy her" everyone would be saying "knowing is not the same as showing or telling them". I'm a man. A pretty average looking specimen, too. But whenever, on a rare occasion, someone has said to me "you look really good" or something complimentary, it made me feel great. We all need to be told things and I think it's all too easy in a relationship to stop telling a partner things we used to say when "just dating".