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To not want to be asked to bring my son along

(122 Posts)
dranaksjd Tue 09-Aug-16 08:26:04

I am a Single Mum of twin boys Aged 2 and a half. I am 27. They're lovely boys and very well behaved but they're boisterous and love the park/bike riding/soft play. They would never be the type to enjoy sitting in a pram while I go shopping or sitting in a restaurant. On the occasions where I need to they will do those things and be good but I'm always conscious they aren't enjoying it so rush past.

I have a single Mum friend who has a three year old daughter who she takes everywhere with her as she had no one to have her. Her ex has asked to see their daughter but she has refused and admitted its because she wants a clean break!!

When we arrange to meet up its to the park or soft play and I take my twins along. However, if it's to a restaurant or shopping I leave them with their Nana as they would be much happier doing that then walking through shops or sitting still in a Restaurant. I wouldn't even enjoy it with them there as its not something they would enjoy.

Problem is, my friend always asks me to bring them. And says stuff like ' aww my daughter is really looking forward to seeing them' or something alone those lines.

Aibu to find that really annoying? I would never ask her to bring her daughter, it's nothing to do with me if she does. And I certainly wouldn't guilt trip anyone into bringing them.

She would love to have a day without her daughter. But it's not my fault she has no one to have her and I don't see why I should have to bring my twins along just to entertain her daughter.

TheGruffaloMother Tue 09-Aug-16 08:31:22

YANBU as such, no. But nor is she really. She is bringing her DD and thinks it would be nicer I'd DD had some company her age. It doesn't seem like that's all you want to hear though. I'm not sure why we needed to know about your friend's take on her ex seeing her daughter. hmm

dranaksjd Tue 09-Aug-16 08:32:24

Obviously I don't take them just because she wants me to, but it's the constant asking that annoys me.

Also when she has her daughter she makes her stay in the pram the entire time!! I feel so sorry for her. And I let me sons walk and get some exercise and she makes passive aggressive comments to her daughter saying 'well done you've been so good staying in your pram and not walking'!!!

There's nothing wrong with walking but she doesn't like having to interact with her.

dranaksjd Tue 09-Aug-16 08:33:50

Well it's relevant as if she has absolutely no one to have her daughter I could understand. But her daughters father is a brilliant Fad and has asked to have his daughter a few days a week. So she does have he choice of having a break but chooses not to.

TheGruffaloMother Tue 09-Aug-16 08:33:54

Now you're just criticising her. Do you like her?

Noonesfool Tue 09-Aug-16 08:34:06 you like her? You seem quite judgey about her parenting...

sooperdooper Tue 09-Aug-16 08:34:48

Just tell her why you don't want to bring them, neither of you are wrong (apart from the PA comments) but just explain yourself to her or how will she know?

bleedingnora Tue 09-Aug-16 08:36:35

You are being a tad judgemental.
I can understand her wanting her daughter to have a play mate if you are meeting up -that is normal. In fact if I met a friend who had kids he same age as mine I'd be a bit put out if she kept coming along without them when she knew I'd have mine with me.

Let her parent how she sees fit andyou do the same.
And if the set up bothers you so much then maybe start seeing other people and leave her be.

You have no way of knowing what went on in her marriage and she may have good reason to want to restrict access or not leave her daughter with others.

Try to be kind. It makes life easier.

Noonesfool Tue 09-Aug-16 08:38:22

How do you know he's "a brilliant dad"?

Meeep Tue 09-Aug-16 08:39:34

If you think someone is horrible, and she does everything wrong, she's not your friend. Why don't you find someone you like to spend your time with? You might end up (more) bitter otherwise.

Lj8893 Tue 09-Aug-16 08:41:32

I completely understand not wanting to take toddlers shopping or to a restaurant, but it doesn't seem like this is the point of your thread? You seem very judgemental of your "friends" parenting.

Dutchcourage Tue 09-Aug-16 08:42:32

It's a none issue or did you really want to start a thread bitching about one of your mates??

JustHappy3 Tue 09-Aug-16 08:44:54

Surely you just take some colouring pencils with you and they will sit beautifully and entertain themselves? grin

There are children who can sit like that and those that can't - nothing to do with parenting btw as my kids are polar opposites.

Ignore her requests - explain politely that they wouldn't enjoy it. Then either get used to the smile and repeat routine or ditch the friend. She's never really going to understand.

(Almost congratulates self for not saying it's a boy girl thing but can't resist - terribly sexist - but i think 90% of mums of boys will get where you are coming from.)

0hCrepe Tue 09-Aug-16 08:45:36

It's understandable that cafes/ shopping aren't suitable for your DC so why not just suggest a different activity so the kids can play together?

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 Tue 09-Aug-16 08:48:06

Maybe invite her to come to your home sometimes to see the twins I find that easier with friends at home as the home is more self contained baby safe kids can play n mums can have a coffee???

LuckySantangelo1 Tue 09-Aug-16 08:48:15

You sound like a rubbish friend. Judgemental, much? Plus praising her daughter for behaving well isn't 'passive agressive'.

cexuwaleozbu Tue 09-Aug-16 08:49:37

I think your making this more complex than it needs to be and it's not worth a mumsnet thread. Just tell her that you are happy to bring them along if you have arranged to do something child-friendly but you know they won't enjoy a shopping/restaurant day. Then when you make the plans it is clear whether her dd will have someone to play with.

I get where she is coming from. It is tough getting through the days when it is just mum and a 3yo. Meeting up with another mum with similar aged kids can make a huge difference. So just focus on kid friendly meet-ups.

CinderellaFant Tue 09-Aug-16 08:51:05

You are coming across like you think you are a better mother than her.

Good on her for bringing her daughter to restaurants etc- that's how children learn how to behave in those situations.

My daughter is 3 and comes with me everywhere- why wouldn't she? She is my child so why would I leave her with my mum. If I'm meeting friends for coffee she comes to, because it's always been this way she knows how to behave when we are out and will sit at the table with a scone and glass of milk and colour in or bring a Barbie with her to play with.

peaceloveandtwirlywoos Tue 09-Aug-16 08:51:24

I have mum friends that maybe I wouldn't meet up with without our children. We are friends because our children are friends. Is this the sort of relationship she thinks you have?

Chippednailvarnishing Tue 09-Aug-16 08:52:30

Surely you just take some colouring pencils with you and they will sit beautifully and entertain themselves?

I'm the proud owner of a DS who was as a toddler like a small tornado. Either meet her at an enclosed soft play with all the kids or tell her straight.

Dolly15 Tue 09-Aug-16 08:55:31

I see both sides. If you value her friendship how about just doing things with her you can all enjoy with kids and keeping cafes and restaurants for trips with other mates. Only go with her if it's something that suits your children too ie park, swim or one of those play places. Compromise seems the key. X

dranaksjd Tue 09-Aug-16 08:55:35

I do like her. I feel sorry for her daughter as I do feel she needs support with parenting.
I know her ex very well and know he's a brilliant Dad. She has openly admitted he's a good Dad but she just wants him out of her life for a clean break.

we do do child friendly activities too it's only the ones my Sons wouldn't like that I leave them with Grandma for.

It's just so annoying how she asks me to bring them alone. I don't even know why it annoys me so much but it does. It's every single time!!!! Argh!

Today we are meeting to go to a Restaurant and she invited me. I do still enjoy her company and think she's a genuine person. So I agreed and the inevitable 'bring the boys' text came after.

I won't be bringing them. They wouldn't enjoy it.

dranaksjd Tue 09-Aug-16 08:56:51

And my Sons would definety not sit still in a Restaurant with a few pencils.

They're really good boys but they would draw for about 5 mins and be bored he rest. I would feel on tenterhooks!

I can't imagine having a child who would happily sit there for an hour! In my dreams maybe! Haha

peaceloveandtwirlywoos Tue 09-Aug-16 08:56:55

Tell her you're not bringing them and why. This is your opportunity.

PrimalLass Tue 09-Aug-16 08:56:58

Why do you bother? It sounds like you don't like her.

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