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Am I really a bitch? Re: my dead mothers house I feel awful.

(162 Posts)
LivinLaVidaLoki Tue 09-Aug-16 07:19:38

I have recently begun the probate process following my mothers death. For years she said she had a will splittimg everything equally between us but we cannot find it. Have even contacted solicitors and tried an online search at Certainty. Turned up nothing.
Now, my brothers and I were talking this over and one of my brothers said "I know this has to be done in accordance with what she wanted" (she always said when she died her house would be locked up and sold and split equally). "But Id like to talk about the house".
Back story, he is in his early 50s and had an accident last year that left him paralysed. He has started to get some movement back in his legs but apparently they will never be strong enough to hold him up for him to actually walk.
He is currently in a kind of home. Before this he had never moved out. Paid my mum 200 a month board money and lived at home all his life.
He now wants us to not sell the house but leave it so that when he is walking again (I truly hope he does but its unlikely). And he gets his 'payout' from work and he can buy us out.
In the meantime I am having to pay for insurance etc on the property as its empty. I told him its not financially viable for me to pay out indefinitely on the offchance he'll 'get a payout', he never even offered to contribute.
But the point is its not what mum wanted. Also, if he does get a payout then thats to enable him to live right? So what will he live on if he spends it all on my mums house?
I feel awful as not only has he lost his mum but he is losing his home too, but surely this is the chance for him to have a fresh start.
Also, how comfortable would someone actually be living in the house both of their parents died in?
I feel conflicted. Im trying to carry out moms wishes but my brother (who I always had a good relationship with), is calling me all the bitches under the sun. I truly feel for him but feel what he is asking is not fair.

timelytess Tue 09-Aug-16 07:22:25

Do it right. Sell and split, if that's what your mother wanted. People get very bitter about inheritance - I know, I've been there. Its no problem to live in the house your parents have died in - that's not the issue. Your brother wants something that's less than straightforward and which costs you money. Not good. What do your other siblings think?

SenoritaViva Tue 09-Aug-16 07:24:29

Difficult one as these times so often create family conflict. I don't think you are being unreasonable but you have to decide whether this is worth losing a relationship with your brother over.

It seems very unfair that you are out of pocket paying for insurance. You cannot continue to do so on a future possibility. flowers

WipsGlitter Tue 09-Aug-16 07:26:08

Has he pursued getting a payout? How much is that likely to be?

GinAndSonic Tue 09-Aug-16 07:26:26

You are not being a bitch. The house ought to be sold. What if he doesn't get a payout, or enough to buy you out? What if he decides once he's comfy there there's fuck all can be done to make him buy you out?

An aging man with an injury / disability is far better housed in a ground floor flat or bungalow that a family sized home. It doesn't sound like he will be independent enough to live there any time soon anyway. He's scared since he never left home and wants to cling to it. But it's not fair to everyone else.

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam Tue 09-Aug-16 07:26:53

You're right, your brother isn't being fair at all. Make sure you keep a record of all the costs you are paying for. When it's eventually spilt 50/50 as your mother wanted, you should get that back too.
Must be very difficult for you as you seem to have always got on together but sometimes things like this changes people to become very selfish. Try not to feel bad for sticking with the 50/50 deal, this is right and fair.

Scarydinosaurs Tue 09-Aug-16 07:27:48

Why did he never move out? You aren't a bitch. It must be awful for you.

Grassgreendashhabi Tue 09-Aug-16 07:27:56

I think if everyone knows it's what your mum wanted then it should be split.

Inheritance unfortunatley can make everyone's life easier , your brother is thinking of here and now.

What happens if your circumstances change and you need the money.

Snog Tue 09-Aug-16 07:29:46

I would want to help my brother financially in his circumstances although this could be in many different ways.
Did your mother not wish to favour him financially after his accident?

squiz81 Tue 09-Aug-16 07:30:42

How many brothers do you have? Are you sharing the house costs with them?

Could you rent it out for now to cover the costs?

Walkacrossthesand Tue 09-Aug-16 07:31:01

How many other brothers are there, and what's their view? Are you the sole executor?

These 'injury at work' claims can take years to reach a conclusion, and in the meantime the house is sitting empty - a waste, a risk (break-in, deterioration - who is going to maintain it, keep the garden in some sort of shape, etc) and as you say, insurance - why are you the only one paying for this?

I fear your brother's stance is based in fantasy rather than reality; there will be other, possibly more suitable, houses available to buy as and when he has both money and mobility.

ChrissieS79 Tue 09-Aug-16 07:31:39

What if he never manages to buy you out. Split it equally and take it from there, as someone else said he's surely better suited to a small accessible ground floor flat. Something that's surely affordable with his share

Penfold007 Tue 09-Aug-16 07:33:00

Any compensation payout is likely to be years away, these cases take time especially when the prognosis isn't 100% certain.
As your mother died without a will you need to follow the intestancy rules carefully. There may be inheritance tax to consider and the estate may not be in a position to maintain the property.
Your brother would also be well advised to get legal advice on putting his share into a trust to avoid his capital affecting his benefits.
I'm sorry for your loss and the tough times your family are got through.

Walkacrossthesand Tue 09-Aug-16 07:33:52

PS especially if there's a prospect of recovery - the company lawyers will be waiting for the best possible recovery as that will mean less to pay out. You need to get on and get the house sold now.

Pearlman Tue 09-Aug-16 07:35:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UnexpectedBaggage Tue 09-Aug-16 07:35:17

You aren't being a bitch. You are doing what your Mum wanted. Your brother knows this.

kate33 Tue 09-Aug-16 07:36:40

Hi, I am sorry to hear about your mum lovely and now you have to deal with this awkward situation too. Not much to add apart from has your brother considered the fact that the house might need to be adapted for his new physical needs and how would he pay for that? Also, how come you have got stuck paying all the insurance, why are your brother's not splitting it? Why are you the bitch, you are doing what your mum always wanted to happen. flowers

BikeRunSki Tue 09-Aug-16 07:37:37

Could you agree a tie period - say a year - for your brother to make arrangements either to buy you out or move out. At the end of this time, the house to be locked and sold, obviously with reimbursement to you for the ongoing running costs for this time.

Timetogetup0630 Tue 09-Aug-16 07:38:04

Even if you gave your brother the house, could he afford to live there ? Insurance, council tax, utilities, maintenance etc. Will he need a carer as he gets older ? Will benefits cover these costs? Will he be able to work again and live an independent life ?
Lots of issues to consider longer term.

Would the house sell easily and would it yield enough capital for him to buy somewhere else that suits his needs ?

Tough for you taking in the role of Executor when there is no will. Do you know if there are any other assets ?

Good luck to you. I did this for my mothers estate but she was very organised and left her finances in good order, including an updated will.

DeadGood Tue 09-Aug-16 07:38:10

1. You are not being a bitch, and I suggest you tell your brother extremely clearly that you are stunned at his hostility, that it doesn't suit him at all and is unlikely to get you on his side. Reasonable discussion or sell and split immediately.

2. Your stance is reasonable and fair. You don't need to confuse it with things like "how comfortable would somebody actually be living in the house both their parents died in?" Clearly he doesn't have a problem with it, so don't start introducing elements like this into your negotiations with your brother, it makes you sound disingenuous.

3. What do your other brothers want to do?

4. His payout. You have questions about it, such as what he will live on if it's all spent on the house. It sounds as though you are in contact with your brother, so have these questions been asked? Is it likely that a payout will cover the cost of him buying you out? What is the timescale?

4. Completely unsustainable for you to be paying the insurance on your own. Why are you? Sounds as though there are at least 3 of you?

bakeoffcake Tue 09-Aug-16 07:38:42

How long is it likely to take got Jim to get his payout. If it's months, I would hold on for him.
If it's years them im afraid I'd have to sell.

youarenotkiddingme Tue 09-Aug-16 07:39:14

Whatever decision is made re selling immediately or waiting everyone needs to be contributing equally to current costs if they expect to inherit equally.

DollyBarton Tue 09-Aug-16 07:39:16

You're not being a bitch but I think you are relying on 'this is what mum wanted' too much as an argument. Thankfully she wanted a fair split, nobody is disputing that. But I think your argument is that you want it sorted and can't bear to have the ongoing insurance costs and indefinite conclusion to it all. You are afraid of the damage it would do to your sibling relationships. So tell brother that although you understand he wants this, unless he can buy you out now, it's time to sell and split and you will help him find something suitable and comfortable that he can afford to the best of your ability.

He's an adult and this is how life works. You don't play your siblings for your own gain. Although I doubt he means to be so selfish and is probably grieving and feeling quite lost.

bakeoffcake Tue 09-Aug-16 07:39:52

Oh could you rent out the house for a bit?

maddiemookins16mum Tue 09-Aug-16 07:40:08

Are you solely doing all the probate admin (and fees etc) ? I can see why he wants to stay but he'll need to cover all bills etc when there, not you.

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