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To think there's a difference between banter and flirting.

(29 Posts)
ThisUsernameIsAvailable Mon 08-Aug-16 22:39:01

My oh seems to think it's the same thing.

If I wind up a friend from a shared hobby (that oh doesn't share, or want to share) about something to do with out hobby that's banter.
I'm married, he's married and I know his wife.

Flirting isn't the same is it?

allthatnonsense Mon 08-Aug-16 22:41:31

There is a subtle difference.

ThisUsernameIsAvailable Mon 08-Aug-16 22:42:24

I should add that this banter is on Facebook where my husband and his wife can see it

CakeNinja Mon 08-Aug-16 22:42:49

I don't know.
Dp and my friends say I'm a massive flirt, but actually, I think I'm just a friendly smiley person (when I'm down the pub!) - will have a laugh and a joke with men I know and other I don't.
I think it's just lighthearted chatter but dp laughs and says I'm flirting but don't know it!
So maybe, flirting is a perception?
I can explain that to myself in my head but can't seem to find the words to explain it!!

chitofftheshovel Mon 08-Aug-16 22:43:15

No it doesn't sound like flirting at all, just sounds like you're having a craic. Suspect it is your husbands problem.

Dutchcourage Mon 08-Aug-16 22:43:15

It depends on what your saying snd how your saying it.

I have banter with the lads at work snd it could never be discribed as flirting.

SanityClause Mon 08-Aug-16 22:43:20

Hmm. I would call that joshing.

To me, banter is men telling rape jokes. (But it's just banter, innit?)

Definitely not flirting, though. Not unless it's of a sexual nature. Which, I'm guessing it's not.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Mon 08-Aug-16 22:43:40

There is a difference, but imo it is very easy to cross the line without really realising it.

Either way, if your OH doesn't like it you should stop.

ThisUsernameIsAvailable Mon 08-Aug-16 22:44:54

If I was speaking this way to a woman (and I do!) that's fine but if it's a man its wrong even thought there's no attraction there?

ReallyShouldKnowBetterAtMyAge Mon 08-Aug-16 22:46:35

Your op is banter.

Constant "how was your weekend, I hope it was eventful, it's my pleasure" is flirting imo.

KimmySchmidtsSmile Mon 08-Aug-16 22:50:36

^oh god yes, sanity that twunt from iacgmooh that used "bantz" all the time. Was delighted when the arrogant sod got evicted, he really was not expecting it.

OP cannot judge without seeing the comments but if there is familiarity there which there will be it can sometimes read as >intimate than intended.

BestZebbie Mon 08-Aug-16 22:54:03

Hmm...I think that there is a difference, but the two massively overlap. Both of them are intended to bond the person bantering with the person they are talking to by reinforcing shared experiences/jokes etc which link them together and by using an 'acceptable' way to push the bounds of intimacy (in that it would be rude for a stranger to 'wind up' your friend that way, but because you are close, it is acceptable - and thereby that behaviour reinforces that you are close).

A lot of the difference is about intent, prior history and the much wider context such a frequency, body language, situation etc, so there are many many conversations that could be interpreted or intended as either quite legitimately.

NeedsAsockamnesty Tue 09-Aug-16 00:57:18

Either way, if your OH doesn't like it you should stop

Even if her partner is being totally unreasonable?

What a load of old bollocks. People who are doing nothing wrong shouldn't have to stop doing it because some delegate little flower is being unreasonable.

Where do you draw the line.

My partner does not like me communicating with males in any way even my brother and my dad AIBU? Yes because he does not like it so you should stop.

AverageGayLad Tue 09-Aug-16 02:34:26

For me, Banter is what I do with my mates. Flirting is what I do if I'm interested in someone romantically or for a one night stand

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 09-Aug-16 02:37:29

Fuck that. He is being unreasonable.

Enjoy your hobby and your friends.

oh god yes, sanity that twunt from iacgmooh that used "bantz" all the time

What's iacgmooh? <missed point of thread>

Believeitornot Tue 09-Aug-16 07:34:58

Can you give an example? It depends - what if the other person is flirting?

For me flirting is when there's a hint of sex/attraction however subtle.
Eg someone made a joke to me and said that they were waiting for their kiss (I'd accidentally sent them a text with a "X" at the end). That's clear flirting. Whereas if they'd joked about how I threw out "Xs" to everyone I'd call that banter.

TheNaze73 Tue 09-Aug-16 07:50:15

I think the easiest way to rationalise it, is if he was doing the same with other women, to the same degree, would you see it as banter (hate that word so much) or as flirting? I think that's your answer. If he's getting so humpy about it, is he judging you by his own standards??

molyholy Tue 09-Aug-16 07:51:18

Yabu, solely for the use of the word 'banter'.

BillSykesDog Tue 09-Aug-16 07:56:48

This is one of those MN posts where 90% of the answers are going to be totally meaningless. Because everyone knows if a woman came on complaining about her DH doing this with a woman and saying it was 'banter' he would be accused of gas lighting, belittling her and emotional abuse and told that if the DW didn't like it he shouldn't be doing it, LTB etc, etc.

Yet because it is a woman apparently humiliating and upsetting her partner with her behaviour towards a member of the opposite sex, it's all his fault and he is BU.

DollyBarton Tue 09-Aug-16 07:57:22

I'm a celebrity get me out of here -iacgmooh

Noonesfool Tue 09-Aug-16 08:01:03

"If OH doesn't like it you should stop"


OnionKnight Tue 09-Aug-16 08:03:15

To me banter means speaking like a cunt, I can't stand people that say 'It's just banter!' shortly after saying something offensive.

MistressChalk Tue 09-Aug-16 08:04:20

Yes there is a difference, if two straight men are flirting with each other it's called banter, if a woman joins in she is flirting. Works with sexes reversed as well.

SoHelpMeDog Tue 09-Aug-16 08:04:24

We call it flanter, and it's so much fun as long as everyone is onboard and knows not to take it too far. My DH isn't the jealous type though, might be different if I knew it upset him.

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