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To despise my sisters partner

(12 Posts)
Outnumbrd Mon 08-Aug-16 17:42:27

My sisters partner is at my house this week with her. I am trying to like him, be nice but I just feel so tense. So much that I'm finding excuses to be out and even stay over at a friends house! He tries to make jokes towards me, calls me kiddo and stuff (we are the same age) so I think he is oblivious to the tension that I feel. I just do not trust him or feel comfortable around him! I feel he controls my sister, is disrespectful i.e. Smokes weed in my back yard like it's normal and is loud and embarrassing. When she asked to visit I hoped she would come alone, although I knew this wouldn't be the case, and now I'm feeling tense in my own home! Any advice on being able to just chill out and be able to feel neutral towards him?

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Mon 08-Aug-16 17:47:34

I'd have sent him packing for using drugs at my house, he'd have been gone the moment I discovered them.

I'd also have told my sister to think wisely about her choice of partners if taking illegal substances.

ComedyWing Mon 08-Aug-16 17:50:04

What exactly is making you feel so strongly negative towards him? For many people, smoking dope outdoors wouldn't be an issue, so it's possible he's oblivious to the fact you hate this, and I'm not sure 'loud and embarrassing' and calling you 'kiddo' adds up to the kind of intense discomfort and dislike you're describing...?

Outnumbrd Mon 08-Aug-16 17:55:06

Exactly Comedy so I am polite etc.. but just feel so tense around him, can't be myself! Dragons, I told him ages ago he can't smoke in my car or house but unfortunately it is normal in our circles just not as often, i.e. All day every day!

myownprivateidaho Mon 08-Aug-16 17:55:48

Well, you're completely in your rights to tell him not to smoke weed in your garden. If he doesn't agree, tell him to get out. But agree that none of the other examples sound that bad. How is he controlling your sister?

TheBouquets Mon 08-Aug-16 17:58:28

Did you say to your sister that you wished that she would come to visit on her own?
You and your DS seem to live a distance apart.
I have tried to say nothing to my DS about not being happy with her DP but I do see that she, my DS, could be at fault in this. She just arrives with the DP there too. She never asks if he can come with her. I had a bit of a windfall recently and thought I would treat us, DM and 2 DSs and DCs to a weekend away. The next mention was that the DP was coming too.
When we are out all together or just one of us with that DS she can only stay till a certain time, i.e. his finishing time.
I have no idea if he is controlling her or if she is so fond that she thinks the rest of us should be too.
Regarding the smoking of weed anywhere near your house or to have weed in your house is totally unacceptable. Tell him that the area is full of police officers next door each way and a few in the next street and you don't want a bad name. What is DS saying about him smoking weed and you being aware of it.

Iflyaway Mon 08-Aug-16 20:11:43

Well, as you're in UK, a guest smoking in (outside) a host's house is a no-no because it's illegal.
Here it wouldn't be a problem as it's decriminalised. I personally wouldn't have a problem with it as I would be joining in grin

However, he sounds a twat. But why are you letting him walk all over you in your own house? If you are feeling uncomfortable you have a right to say so. Why does he get to rule the roost as a guest? Why the hell should you feel you have to stay over at someone else's.

The atmosphere must be very weird, all of you walking around on egg shells.

Maybe a message for you to get in touch with your autonomy. You feel he's already controlling your sister but you are letting yourself be controlled by him too. (requesting no smoking which he ignores).
Maybe a showdown with him will wake up your sister too. It would certainly change the horrible energy that must be around.

Shizzlestix Mon 08-Aug-16 20:33:51

How much longer are they staying? I'd have a word with your sis to tell him he is not to smoke drugs in your garden. Bloody outrageous behaviour when a guest in someone's house.

Outnumbrd Tue 09-Aug-16 04:36:16

Iflyaway, if I say anything whatsoever he will have a tantrum, become abusive and take it out on my sis and she will take up his side. I've learnt this from her previous relationship, so now I've learnt to ignore and stay out of their lives. Yes I'm walking on eggshells. Last night he 'let' her go out with me but only across the road and he told her she couldn't wear what she had chosen and not to drink much and that he'd smack her if she did. He said it as a joke but I recognise the evil glares he thinks no-one else notices. I'm so sad I can't sleep, I want to enjoy the day tomorrow with my sister without him listening to our every word sad

Outnumbrd Tue 09-Aug-16 04:47:48

Bouquets, just re-read your message. DS would never challenge him about the weed. Like your DS, he always has to tag along, controlling the situation. She has to constantly re-assure him of her love by kissing him immediately she walks through the door after being away from him for an hour. I just knew that he would be coming too as he wouldn't trust her, he's jealous and insecure.

TheBouquets Tue 09-Aug-16 12:20:48

Hi Outnumbrd - It is so strange to me as I am sure it is to you that our respective DSs are in this situation.
I have decided that I am only going to see DS while he is at work always assuming that he will continue to work. Not that he is the CEO of anything!
I refuse to be forced to sit in the company of someone like that. Other DS has a similar view of this situation so I reckon I am near enough the truth on this.
I suppose all we can do is wait in the hope that they see the light!
Take care of you and yours.

Outnumbrd Tue 09-Aug-16 20:38:32

Thanks Bouquet, she is my only sibling and I can't get any alone time with her. I watch what messages I send her too! I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. Not long now until they leave, feel so sad and relieved too. Managed to make an effort and be happy all day with them today. It's her life, she's not a child so I will stay backed out. I won't be letting them stay again in a hurry though, I have not felt this negative and drained in a long time. Hope as well both our DS don't waste too many years on trying to please an unpleasable man

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