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Arguing with my mum. Can I break her stuff?

(54 Posts)
Dancedog Mon 08-Aug-16 15:50:34

Long time reader first time poster. I'm aware that this sounds like an awful soap opera story line but it's sadly true so please bear with me.

Background first , my mum and I have had a very up and down relationship. She wasn't the a great mum when I was a child. I lived with my dad and only saw her once a year. My dad died and I went to live with her in my pre-teens. We argued a lot I was a typical teen. She also reacts like a teenager, she can be fine until something doesn't go her way and then she will shout and slam doors and she can sulk for days. I also had a role in the family business which my mum owns we have different idea on how to handle things which meant we spent a lot of time together but fought more as well.

In my early twenties I gained some inheritance and bought my own home which gave us some much needed space. I also gained some shares in the business which gave me more control and our relationship improved. I also married my DH. DH tolerates my mum for me and is always polite and kind to her but he doesn't like her much as he doesn't like the way she treats me sometimes.

So to now I am over 7 months pregnant. My mum is excited for the most part. However I am really struggling with sickness and back pain and I have had to really reduce my work hours.

My mum call at our house Sunday lunchtime saying she needed me to sign some paperwork. When she got here she actually had a cabinet and some drawers with her in the back of one of our work truck. I asked her why and she said that she needed us to store them for her. I told her we didn't have room. She started shouting saying that we had to take them as she needs the worktruck for another job. I told her she shouldn't be using the work truck for personal things anyway especially if it's needed for another job.

She started crying so DH helped her unload the truck and we told her we would leave them outside in our yard till Sunday night and if she didn't move them DH was going to break them down on Monday morning and use them for firewood as we are fed up of her dumping things on us and expecting us to sort it out. She said we were being unfair and she was never speaking to us again. She left the stuff on our yard and drove off.

So this morning they are still outside. We called her and she didn't answer. So DH moved half the stuff into our garage. My mum arrives at lunchtime without the work truck whilst DH had popped to the shop and started screaming because she thought we had broken her stuff and burnt it.

I tried to explain to her that we hadn't broken her stuff yet but she has to move them now. She didn't have the truck and wanted us to hold on to them. I said no. She told me that she hated me and the baby and its my fault for reducing my work hours. I told her to calm down and she pushed me and I fell and landed on my bum. I stood and walked away from her back into the house.

I think she pushed me on impulse rather than to deliberately hurt me as when I fell she looked terrified when it dawned on her what she had done and she said sorry instantly.

She shouted sorry at me through the window until DH arrived. He asked her what had happened and she told him she had made a horrible mistake and she wasn't sure I was ok and that I would never forgive her but she was sorry then she left.

I am upset. Her stuff is also still on my yard. So would I be unreasonable to break down her stuff (with DHs help) or would that be petty and probably make a bad situation much worse.

weeblueberry Mon 08-Aug-16 15:55:15

Frankly you've got bigger fish to fry than the furniture though don't you? I don't think I'd want anything to do with someone who pushed over a seven month pregnant woman in anger, even if she was sorry afterwards. And in the space of this story alone she's told you she hates you and doesn't want to see you ever again.

I honestly couldn't be around someone like this. And I wouldn't want my kids to be part of the 'relationship' either.

MrsWorryWart Mon 08-Aug-16 16:00:42

I'd forget the issue you've posted about, tbh.

Are you ok after her push?

I would certainly reassess whether you have that person in your life, or not.

ImperialBlether Mon 08-Aug-16 16:13:55

Can you sell your share of the business to someone else? I would hate to have anything to do with her.

WindPowerRanger Mon 08-Aug-16 16:15:31

Ask your DH to dump it back on her property, then ignore her. Concentrate on resting and recovering-this must have been a horrible experience. Think carefully about what to do next, especially, whether you can still work with someone who treats you like this.

sparechange Mon 08-Aug-16 16:17:29

Can you start maternity leave early and get away from this toxic woman? Then you've got a bit of breathing space to find a new job, because there is no way on earth you should be having anything more to do with her.

sparechange Mon 08-Aug-16 16:17:30

Can you start maternity leave early and get away from this toxic woman? Then you've got a bit of breathing space to find a new job, because there is no way on earth you should be having anything more to do with her.

ssd Mon 08-Aug-16 16:20:16

agree with other posters, the furniture issue isnt the real issue here

she sounds very very hard work, I think you need to keep your distance if you can

Champagneformyrealfriends Mon 08-Aug-16 16:20:18

You poor thing. Are you ok? Any doubts at all please go to your ANDU or Triage to be checked out.

Your mother sounds like a total cow-I'd dump the stuff in her front garden and go NC other than work.

LaConnerie Mon 08-Aug-16 16:22:00

As others have said - breaking up her stuff is the least of it.

In your position I would have serious reservations about this woman being allowed to form a relationship with your new baby sad

Cherylene Mon 08-Aug-16 16:22:28

I am worried about what the impulse was to push you. Why is she being abusive to you when you are pregnant?

Why was she not around when you were young?

There is something going on here.

You need more space. I would be selling the shares and rethinking her place in my life.

summerskittles91 Mon 08-Aug-16 16:23:12

Have you got yourself checked out? Hope you and baby are ok.

You should really stay away for a while, and not make any contact.

What she's done is really out of order.

ChasedByBees Mon 08-Aug-16 16:24:56

She assaulted you. I would think carefully about how you want to move forward with the business and having contact with her.

If you wanted to, you could press charges.

Agree that you have bigger issues than the furniture here.

Missgraeme Mon 08-Aug-16 16:25:16

Maybe buy her out of the business? And I wouldn't be letting her play grandma either!

LewisAndClark Mon 08-Aug-16 16:25:17

She assaulted you. I'd be cutting contact as much as possible. Tell her you will only talk to her about work related stuff.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Mon 08-Aug-16 16:29:37

Firstly, I hope you are ok, if you are unsure get yourself checked out.
Secondly, regardless of her relationship to you, that's assault and I'd be tempted to report it. At the very least it might make her consider her behaviour
Thirdly, I'd ask DH to take her furniture and leave it on her drive.
Lastly, I'd walk away now. I don't know the exact details of your childhood, but it doesn't sound as if you had a healthy relationship with this person, and I wouldn't want that for my new baby. Walk away now.

2kids2dogsnosense Mon 08-Aug-16 16:31:29

Whatwindpower says. You can't really chop it up as it isn't your property. (I suppose you could charge her for storage, though - say £10 a day . . . )

Take her stuff back and get a new job. Think about it - is she really someone you want near your precious baby? What if she lashes out at you and hits your child (this actually happened to my baby sister when my dad's mother, who was an absolute cow, tried to punch my mam who had my sister in her arms).

She's apologised at the time (as you say, I doubt that it was deliberate - which actually makes her more unpredictable and dangerous, not less) but doesn't seem to have done anything else - I would have thought a huge offering from Interflora and a bit of grovelling on her part would be the least you could expect.

Perhaps she thinks that if you don't contact her, and she doesn't contact you, she can pretend it didn't happen.

Get her stuff back to her, get your DH remind her that your home is not a junkyard, and also to let her know that what she did wasn't just horrible and unacceptable, it was also illegal. If she assaults you again - and that can include just ringing up and being nasty - you'll involve the police.

Mummyoflittledragon Mon 08-Aug-16 16:37:24

She sounds the maturity level of a 6 yr old. Not a teenager. I hope you come out of this birth strong and healthy because you will be vulnerable over the next few months. She sounds very toxic and not a good influence at all. As other posters have said, the furniture really is the least of your worries.

However, as you gave her an ultimatum to burn it, I really think you should consider going through with it. Otherwise you are teaching her is she gets what she wants by acting out. She has upped the anti using a variety of techniques such as insulting you and your family, crying, shouting, pushing a pregnant woman to the ground and this is what she needs to do to get you to give in to her demands. If she does all of this next time and it doesn't work, will she push further? Where does it end?

Dancedog Mon 08-Aug-16 16:39:38

Thank you for your replies.
I'm just going to my doctors surgery just to be checked out. I think I am fine logically and the baby seems fine but a part of me is a little worried. I will try to answer any questions when I get back.

wasonthelist Mon 08-Aug-16 16:44:34

You Mum is being U but "can I break her stuff?" - really?

Fidelia Mon 08-Aug-16 16:44:42

If she wasn't your mum, would you press charges if someone you were arguing pushed you and made you fall? Being your mum doesn't give her the right to literally push you around. And I'm sorry to say that now she has done it once, if you don't take it to the police, she is actually MORE likely to do it again.

And no, don't destroy the property. Phone 101 and ask their advice.

DollsHouseTales Mon 08-Aug-16 16:46:52

I would get DH dump it back at hers, doesn't matter if she's in or not, just leave it outside if she's not. Get DH to text her and tell her she's having it back, you are resting and having a break and don't want to be disturbed as you are very upset.

I would be tempted to actually chop it up but I think she doesn't sound quite right at the moment, so you should not inflame the situation further. Then it might swing back to being all about how you burnt her furniture. At the moment you have the moral high ground, even by her standards. I would keep it.

SteviebunsBottrittrundle Mon 08-Aug-16 16:51:13

I would get DH to dump it on her property and cut contact. Hope all is ok at doctors flowers.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 08-Aug-16 16:56:14

The furniture issue is the tip of a bloody great iceberg.

It is not your fault your mother is like this, her own family of origin has done that lot of damage to her.

She is still not a great mum to you and I would seriously consider keeping your as yet unborn child well away from her. She could well go onto start on your child in not too dissimilar ways to how you were yourself treated as a child. I would not risk having her ever in your child's presence.

She used tears to get her own way; this is a method of manipulation in her case that has worked for her in the past and it worked this time also. She sees your DH and you as complete pushovers. I would also tell your DH that he does not have to tolerate her for your sake any more. Both of you need to continue to present a united front against your mother.

Reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward could well help you as well.

I would be now seriously looking to fully extricate yourself from her life; her behaviour is toxic and she is not a good person to be at all around you.

DollsHouseTales Mon 08-Aug-16 16:59:20

Attila But what would you do about the furniture?!

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