To want DD to meet her half brother?

(64 Posts)
FatAmy Mon 08-Aug-16 09:13:51

DD (5) has never met her biological father and as far as she is aware her dad is my ex husband who has been around since mid way through the pregnancy.

Recently I received a message from her biological father's (now ex) girlfriend informing me that she has had a baby and after messaging back and forth for a couple of months we have decided we want them to meet- I wouldn't introduce them as brother and sister at first but as if me and his mum are friends. The biological father would not be involved at all.

I talked this through with my ex husband and he is dead against them meeting, mainly I think because he doesn't want her finding out he isn't her biological father (although obviously she would find out at some point anyway). We can't come to an agreement after discussing it multiple times.

Am I being unreasonable to want her to grow up around her brother? I've never met my biological father and know that I have a few siblings that I've never met and it's something that's really bothered me from a young age so I don't want DD to feel that way. I also worry that she'll resent me when she eventually finds out I could have taken her to meet her brother and decided against it.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Mon 08-Aug-16 09:20:13

I think it's awful she believes a man is her father when he is not. Having had personal experience of this, telling her sooner rather than later may stop the relationship breaking down in future. That's a huge lie to tell someone.

Yes she should meet her brother, why are you letting the ex dictate when he's not even her oarent.

x2boys Mon 08-Aug-16 09:20:43

No yanbu my boys have a half sister dh had his dd before he met me her mother made it difficult for a while for dh to see his daughter so consequently our boys didnt see their sister for a few yrs but as she got older she wanted to see the boys so they get to see her regularly now regardless of your daughters biological father your daughter and her sibling should be able to have their own relatuonship

ConkerTriumphant Mon 08-Aug-16 09:21:35

What's it got to do with your ex?

HermioneJeanGranger Mon 08-Aug-16 09:22:44

It's nothing to do with your exH, he's not even her dad.

She should meet her half-brother. And she needs to know your ex isn't her father! That's a massive lie to tell a five year-old shock

YouMakeMyDreams Mon 08-Aug-16 09:23:59

Yes she should meet her brother and agree that she really should know who her father is as well. When children know these things young they just become the way it is. If you put it off there is never a good time. How old does she have to be before its a good time?
Not being honest you run the risk of her being very angry when she does find out and her hunting out her father and martyring him because you kept it from her.

DerekSprechenZeDick Mon 08-Aug-16 09:24:51

You need to tell her she has a different dad. She's at an age where she will accept it easily

I get why your ex doesn't want her to know but that's selfish. She will resent the pair of you if she finds out in her teens or later

Cosmo111 Mon 08-Aug-16 09:27:41

You were wrong to let your DD think that your DD was her real dad. I've known people who have found out their dad isn't their real dad and it's pretty earth shattering. My friends done this with her first child her husband name is on the birth certificate with his surname. I don't believe she has any intentions to tell him problem is there's plenty of people who know that he's not the child's father and we live in a small town it will come out.

As for establishing a relationship if you do maintain it otherwise it's pretty pointless. It will require commitment, do you think you can do that to keep their relationship with one another as you and this woman would have to facilitate that for them both.

TheFlyingFauxPas Mon 08-Aug-16 09:30:39

I agree with pps. I think she should know your exh is not her bio father. Yes I think they should meet. Ds is in similar situation though no siblings but if there were I would attempt to orchestrate this. This exgirlfriend contacting you obv agrees. Men overcomplicate things. Leave it to the women to find the right way 😊 you will soon need to let your dd know who this little one is imo.

FatAmy Mon 08-Aug-16 09:32:36

I know she should know about her real dad, he was abusive and so I wanted to keep her away from him (not that he's got in touch since I was 13 weeks pregnant) but planned to tell her when she was old enough, although none of my family or close friends who know about it can decide when the right time is.

Ex husband has been absolutely horrible about the situation, saying I'm not a good mother if she meets her brother because it'll unsettle her even more (in the year since we split DD has admittedly been a bit unsettled with him moving out and also she's had to stay with my mum quite a bit- a couple of nights a week- as I'm struggling with childcare while I do my degree).

LadyCallandraDaviot Mon 08-Aug-16 09:32:40

a friend of mine has been in a similar situation, both the women were keen for their sons to be friends, the father had no involvement with either of the boys, and it worked well - the two mums have become good friends over the years.

Thisisnotausername Mon 08-Aug-16 09:34:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubbleBubble00 Mon 08-Aug-16 09:36:24

You need to tell her that her father isn't her bio father for a start, there's some great books to explain it in simple terms. Much better to do it now, it's only going to get harder and she will loose all trust in you when she finds out and could damage your relationship forever.

Did ex adopt dd?

FatAmy Mon 08-Aug-16 09:41:23

Rubble- no he hasn't adopted her.

Cluesue Mon 08-Aug-16 09:43:13

I really really think you should tell your daughter the truth about her father and definitely let her know her brother,I wish my child were given the chance.
My 10 year old Dd has at least one half sister through her biological father who's never acknowledged my dd,I haven't told her about her yet as I have no name or whereabouts to go on,just know she exists,I will tell her when she's older and able to actually go looking if she wants,same applies with her biological dad if she ever wants to try and meet him.have never kept her fathers existence from her,just told her facts gradually in an age appropriate way,as it stands she knows his name,where he's from,I just said he was young and wasn't ready for the responsibility of being a father and that when she is 16 if she wants to go looking for him I will help her all I can.Not looking forward to that day as I'm sure he'll be horrible but the fact is,he is her father,shit none existent one but there you go,I refuse to lie to her as that would be much worse.

LyndaNotLinda Mon 08-Aug-16 09:47:28

Tell her now that your ex has nothing to do with her biologically. It is not your secret to keep - she will lose all trust in you and everyone she thought loved her when she finds out and it will have a huge impact on her sense of self. It's very damaging for children to have their origins hidden from them.

She's still young enough for it not to have too much impact but don't wait any longer.

And yes of course she should meet her half-brother. It has nothing to do with your ex.

noeuf Mon 08-Aug-16 09:47:28

Your daughters relationship with her dad is based on a lie and now you're planning on another fake relationship?
Fgs tell the poor child the bloody truth before you hit the teenage years and a whole heap of shit comes your way.

Astley Mon 08-Aug-16 09:48:47

It really has nothing to do with your ex. He's not her Father, legally nor biologically.

I do think it's massively wrong that you have misled her, you should correct that as soon as possible. She, as do we all, has the right to know the truth about her parentage.

SnotGoblin Mon 08-Aug-16 09:49:39

I can't get past the fact that your five year old doesn't know her dad is not her biological father. That should have been information available to her for her entire life.

If you do introduce her to her half brother (and I personally wouldn't if you don't have a relationship with her biological father) then she needs to know who she is in relation to him as well.

SnotGoblin Mon 08-Aug-16 09:50:29

I can't get past the fact that your five year old doesn't know her dad is not her biological father. That should have been information available to her for her entire life.

If you do introduce her to her half brother (and I personally wouldn't if you don't have a relationship with her biological father) then she needs to know who she is in relation to him as well.

incywincybitofa Mon 08-Aug-16 09:51:02

I think the paternity issue is one in it's own right, but I think you and your Ex should tell her together, and he should be around a lot afterwards.
He may not be her father but he is her dad, and from your post seems very committed to her and remaining in her life, so I disagree that it has nothing to do with him, but I also think she has a right to meet her siblings if the option is there.
You may find he comes around once she is aware of her dad not being her father if that makes sense.

VladmirsPoutine Mon 08-Aug-16 09:51:17

You need to tell your daughter as soon as possible that her dad isn't her bio dad. You don't need to make it a big deal - she'll take her lead from you.

As for meeting her brother, I think it's lovely that you two are considering this and I hope they go on to build a special relationship.

Your exe's reasons for not wanting them to meet are inherently selfish; he doesn't want your dd to discover he's not her bio dad hmm - well he isn't.

ayeokthen Mon 08-Aug-16 09:58:44

I think your DD needs to know her dad isn't her bio dad first of all. My DP has 2 DDs, who always thought he was their bio dad. He's always been in their lives, even when he and their Mum separated, so I can see why your XH is hacked off to be fair. You've allowed him to be dad, he feels like dad, and now all of a sudden you're moving the goalposts. I'd speak to your dd, tell her he's not her bio dad, then gently introduce the concept of a half brother and let her decide if she wants to. One thing I will say though, there's a hell of a lot more to family/parenting than biology.

ayeokthen Mon 08-Aug-16 09:59:35

Just to clarify, my DSDs now know he's not their bio dad and don't care, he's still dad to them.

LyndaNotLinda Mon 08-Aug-16 10:04:37

ayeokthen - you're right of course. There's biological fathers and then there's dads and clearly the OP's ex is more of a dad than her DD's bio father is. And as you say, it usually doesn't make a lot of difference to children - their dads are the ones who are there for them.

But it isn't up to the ex to decide when or if to tell the OP's DD. I don't know why they've both colluded in this lie but it's time to put a stop to it.

And she's too young at 5 though to decide if she wants to meet her half-brother. Only the OP can make that decision.

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