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Do I confront DSis about a ten year long grudge???

(40 Posts)
FuggleFoot Sun 07-Aug-16 19:34:41

So bit of a back history, DSis and I haven't had the best relationship - we were fine until a major falling out about 10 years ago but I thought we'd worked through it, stay in touch, see each other at family things, birthdays etc. We're not mega close and the rift never really completely healed but I thought were ok. We are very different personalities, I will easily move on with things and leave past in the past, she will hold a grudge for a long time.
The disagreement we'd had I felt was a huge breach of trust from her in which she found out I'd had an abortion a few years earlier and took great offence at this. She told the rest of our family and I was left to deal with the fall out with my parents who are quite religious. We all moved on I thought.
I was just looking through her facebook photos over the past 8 years and noticed that any photos of the family she had up, I am cut out of - she has 'untagged' herself from any of our wedding photos or anything I have ever put up including her. These are photos in which I know I was there and she has deliberately cut me out or removed herself from. There is no reference whatsoever to me, my family or even that she has a third sister and a niece and nephew. Lots and lots of photos and comments about how much she loves the other two sisters and their children etc but it is as if I, and my family, don't exist.
Part of me wants to confront her - I do still feel a bit betrayed from happened years earlier and her (and the wider family's) lack of understanding about the extremely hard, difficult and challenging decision I took - but I decided it was better to move than to try to find a resolution we all agreed on (i.e. sort of agree to disagree type thing) -At that time I was in a very bad place and needed my family's support - my parents though upset did support but she judged, blamed and made the whole thing about herself. I am not proud of it in any way but under the circumstances I still feel I made the right decision. We fell out, tried to talk it through and I thought had drawn a line and agreed to move on. I strongly suspect this elimination of me from her 'FB' life is related to this. This saddens me but part of me thinks I really cannot be bothered to drag up the past again now. Since then I have got married to my amazing dh, have two wonderful children, a brilliant career and am very happy. However, I hate tension and underlying issues. Maybe I am making too much of this? My gut feeling is this is still the issue and I remain 'unforgiven'. This accompanied with other aspects such as not invited to some family gatherings, excluded from information (such as when my dad was taken into hospital - apparently she remembered to tell the other two Dsis but forgot to tell me) make me feel she is still holding this grudge and punishing me somehow. Do I confront this or do I leave it? Am I over thinking this?

SestraClone Sun 07-Aug-16 19:39:24

I don't think she will be open to discussing it again, she seems to have made up her mind about the situation sadly sad

Becky546 Sun 07-Aug-16 19:40:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HateSummer Sun 07-Aug-16 19:41:55

I am going through something similar with my sister atm. Tbh, I don't believe in running after someone if they've made it abundantly clear they want nothing to do with you. I've blocked and deleted her from my life and it feels good.

In your situation she did a terrible thing. What a stupid cow. I'd personally let her be and stop dwelling on the matter and enjoy your life without thinking about her.

Peppapogstillonaloop Sun 07-Aug-16 19:42:19

She sounds lovely hmm
From what you've said she certainly seems to not be your biggest fan...sounds like she is not a very nice Person so perhaps that's actually for the best for you?!
I would leave it as it was clearly a horrible time you probably don't need to relive..I would however be pulling her up whenever I noticed a deliberate exclusion particularly things like your dad that's awful...
Doesn't really matter what her underlying motive is you can still pull her up for being a bitch!

DoreenLethal Sun 07-Aug-16 19:43:10

I'm sorry I have no answers but what a fucking bitch. I am not sure i could recover if my brother had done the same. That is despicable behaviour on her part.

FuggleFoot Sun 07-Aug-16 19:45:11

I suppose I would hope to have a better relationship with my sister. I love her, I love her children. I also feel that everything else then must be faked, kisses and cuddles when we see each other, polite conversation, inquiring about my Dc's - it sort of all feels for show and if she is still harbouring all this resentment I'd rather she didn't bother!
I genuinely hadn't considered it at this level until I was trying to find a photo for DS that I knew I'd tagged her in and then dug deeper and realized.

DoreenLethal Sun 07-Aug-16 19:46:28

I expect she has been passively aggressively hoping you would notice sooner just to have another go at you.

TendonQueen Sun 07-Aug-16 19:51:38

Agree with Becky that I don't think it will achieve anything. I would, however, be taking steps to stop the situation with your dad ever happening again, which probably means talking to your other two sisters and your mum to say you expect them to keep you in the loop as your sister has let you down by not doing so.

I also agree with Doreen that her behaviour towards you has been awful. It's not her job to judge, you can tell your religious family, it's up to God. Her job if she's a Christian (which she may or may not be) is to forgive again and again. She's hardly living up to that and neither are they if they too hold your past against you.

TendonQueen Sun 07-Aug-16 19:53:09

I'd actually tell her not to bother with pleasantries unless she can move on. You and your kids deserve better than a twilight halfway membership of 'her' family.

OneFlewOverTheDodosNest Sun 07-Aug-16 19:54:51

Holy shit, what a freaking cow.

Honestly, you're worried about her forgiving you and really she should be worried about you forgiving her.

Seriously, I wish I had answers but all I can say is how fucking dare she, the horrible stuck up self righteous bitch.

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 07-Aug-16 19:55:15

" I also feel that everything else then must be faked, kisses and cuddles when we see each other, polite conversation, inquiring about my Dc's - it sort of all feels for show and if she is still harbouring all this resentment I'd rather she didn't bother! "
I was going to suggest just letting it lie until you posted this. She's a total bitch for what she did but I could have lived with that. But the amount of effort she is putting into denying your existence to her wider world, while being all cutesy to your face - what a fucking hypocrite!

So yes, I would call her on her behaviour. Next time I saw her.

Tinklypoo Sun 07-Aug-16 19:55:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Stevefromstevenage Sun 07-Aug-16 19:59:37

OP I reckon I am probably from a similar religious background to your own but I am no longer practising. I don't think I would bother having it out with your sister, where people oppose abortion for religious reasons you are essentially arguing against god in their eyes and you have literally no where to go with that argument.

It is a pretty staunch position she has taken up but I would let it go because she is not likely to change her mind and she may even end up hurting you again. I would be inclined to trust her less on the basis of her past treatment of you and move on on that basis.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat Sun 07-Aug-16 20:03:20

The only thing I would actually do, is speak to your other sisters to make sure that if anything happens with your parents that they inform you themselves as you can't trust her to do it.

Other than that, fuck her and her judgemental twattishness, life's too short to drag yourself down to her level flowers

eddielizzard Sun 07-Aug-16 20:03:53

absolutely get your other sisters and mum onside. frankly i don't think there's much you can salvage from your relationship with your sister. she's judged and condemned you - and now being two-faced about it too. i wouldn't be making much effort with her anymore.

FuggleFoot Sun 07-Aug-16 20:06:15

Thank you all for the supportive comments.
I genuinely don't think she is an altogether bad person, she just has a habit of getting on her high horse about something and refusing to budge. She had a hard time falling pregnant and as such she saw my abortion as a huge betrayal or lack of respect - part of the reason I never told my family(or anyone for that matter!) as I didn't want to hurt her. Her way of finding out though was very underhand and actually could of gotten her fired from her job!
Her religiosity seems to come and go as suits!
I think I may just have to leave it and accept it as this way as whatever her reasons she is not someone who can be shifted if they are set against it - just saddens me a great deal. And makes me feel bloody foolish that I thought we were improving!

SapphireSeptember Sun 07-Aug-16 20:06:43

What an awful thing to do to you, OP! She got 'took great offence' at YOUR decision to have an abortion, which had diddly squat to do with her, and then decided to tell everyone? She should be worried that you won't forgive her. Then not telling you that your dad was in hospital is lower than low, in my book. She sounds like a piece of work, and if she resents you for her hideous actions that says more about her than it does you. I'd ignore her, if I were you, I don't think you need the hassle.

DoreenLethal Sun 07-Aug-16 20:09:05

I was going to ask how she found out. She dug around for dirt, illegally, and then proceeded to tell all and sundry. I am surprised that you even spoke to her again.

Muddlingthroughtoo Sun 07-Aug-16 20:09:07

What a kick in the gut, she is spiteful and immature and as much as you know that, it bloody hurts anyway! You have to say something otherwise it will play on your mind and consume you. Two faced little witch that she is.

SpecialAgentFreyPie Sun 07-Aug-16 20:15:04

I was going to ask how she found out. She dug around for dirt, illegally, and then proceeded to tell all and sundry. I am surprised that you even spoke to her again

Me too. You are a very forgiving person OP. And not telling you about your dad? That's just cruel

HarryPottersMagicWand Sun 07-Aug-16 20:16:22

Sorry OP but she is a fucking bitch.

I'm guessing she possibly works in a medical capacity if she found out in an underhand way and could have fired.

You have every right to treat her how she is treating you, she has no such right whatsoever. How dare she spread personal information about you and judge you for something she shouldn't have even known about!

I'd stop being friendly to her, delete her from Facebook and ignore her when you see her. What a two faced cow she is.

PacificDogwod Sun 07-Aug-16 20:18:27

I think this is her problem (how she feels about your termination and how she choses to behave towards you from there) and not yours (in that you cannot change how she feels about it or how she behaves; you can only change how you respond to her behaviour).

If it weren't for the FB photos, would you want to say anything to her?
If so, do - and prepare yourself for a new fall-out and reviving of old arguments (lets face it, it does not sound like your or her opinion on the subject have changed in the meantime).
If you'd be happy enough with what distant/superficial relationship you do currently have, then leave well alone.

I am glad that you still feel that you made the right decision at the time and that life is good smile

Do you know WHY she is so angry about the abortion? my sis had one a few years ago. I feel sad that she went through it and I know she is still sad now. None of my emotions would be anger at it as her reasons were for the best!

I don't think I would bother if I was in your situation tbh. She doesn't seem to want a relationship with you and your family and as hard as it is, why would you want someone like that around your DCs?

SirVixofVixHall Sun 07-Aug-16 20:23:01

If it could have got her fired, then I assume she somehow accessed your health records? Vv nasty if so. She sounds very jealous of you op, bitter, and jealous. Have it out with her, if you can face it, and if nothing changes then I would cease to make any effort whatsoever, and ask your other sisters to keep you in the loop regarding your parents. Out of interest, what do your other sisters say about this?

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