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to resent pregnancy announcements.

(35 Posts)
michy27 Sat 06-Aug-16 18:24:04

Have been on here for a while but haven't posted that often!

I suffered a missed miscarriage at the beginning of April (found out at 12 week scan that baby had died a week previously, and had no symptoms whatsoever).
I had medical management which was only partly successful, then had an MVA the following week and then passed the rest at home next day(TMI!). So in all a very drawn out process.
My partner's best friend and his wife are also expecting and our due date was two weeks before theirs.
I have also had a couple of people announce their pregnancies and as much as I want to feel happy for everyone, I can't help but feel resentful.
I wouldn't wish any harm on anyone by the way. I just don't want to congratulate people or talk about their pregnancies with them.
I understand that it has been 4 months since the miscarriage and feel that I should be over it by now and feel awful for not being happy for people sad

scarednoob Sat 06-Aug-16 18:26:47

Oh you poor thing - please don't think you "should" be over it or "should" be feeling happy for other people - there is no should, there are just feelings. It will take time for you to heal from the saddest most awful shock flowers

Samkate Sat 06-Aug-16 18:47:48

I know exactly how you feel.
I had a missed miscarriage the week before Christmas. Same as you, at my 12 week scan found my baby had died at 11.5 weeks. Absolutely no symptoms.
It's hard enough dealing with the fact you have lost your baby. But the process you have to go through medically can me very emotionally traumatic. It certainly was for me.

I worried too much about what people must think of me. It took me a long time to come to terms with what I went through. I worried people thought I should be 'over' it by a certain time frame. After all it wasn't an 'actual baby'. But that's SO not true!
It was a baby. It was your baby. And it always will be.
I spoke with the gynae councillor at my hospital which I found useful. She pointed out that I was grieving just like I would for any family member. And I could take as long as I needed and deal with it in whatever way I needed.

My sister was pregnant at the same time. Due 2 weeks after me. She has since had her baby and much like you say, I wish no ill to her or anyone. But it's hard to deal with. I look at her child and see the baby I should have had and that will be with me forever. Although it's a very difficult and confusing emotion, it is what it is and I must continue on.

Any pregnancy announcements I saw again I had a twinge of hurt and naturally a little jealousy. But I cannot blame them for wanting to share their amazing news.

I have since become pregnant again myself, and although I was more aware of other people's feelings, it did not stop me wanting to announce our news.

I will never forget the baby I lost. The pain does fade, I promise. But for the rest of my life I will forever think about what my child would be doing through the years ahead.


dangermouseisace Sat 06-Aug-16 18:52:55

no-one in their right mind would expect you to be over it!

I knew someone with a ridiculously high number of children…and she still felt bad about the miscarriage she had, still struggled with the dates etc.

You are a human being with feelings, be kind to yourself. Hopefully your pregnant friends will understand flowers

michy27 Sat 06-Aug-16 18:55:42

Thanks for the support!
I hate not feeling happy for people!

SortItAhhht Sat 06-Aug-16 19:02:59

Your feelings sound pretty normal.

I remember a month after my miscarriage (which we kept private, just my mum and sister knew, as I hadn't announced my pregnancy yet) sitting at the table during a big family celebration and my step sister announcing she was pregnant. I felt like I had been punched in the chest. I plastered a fake smile on my face, but honestly felt like running from the room in tears sad.

I also remember sitting at lunch with my friend after her third miscarriage and her sobbing that she felt like the world's worst bitch because she couldn't bear to talk to or see pregnant friends.

Its best to acknowledge these feelings and be kind to yourself. You're only human...we're all only human flowers

Bloopbleep Sat 06-Aug-16 19:03:52

I have a friend who is due the same day I would have been had I not had a mc. She has six weeks left and every milestone she posted broke my heart. I never expected to feel this way. I don't grudge them their happiness (much but that's because the dad is a nazi f*ckwit) but I grieve for mine. Another friend is due her baby two weeks before my due date but she suffered a tragic stillbirth with her last pregnancy and I really don't feel as bad with her updates. I know that's so irrational and I'm ok with that. Neither person will ever know how I feel.

Bloopbleep Sat 06-Aug-16 19:04:26

Oh and I'm sorry for your loss. 4 months is not a long time and you don't need to get over it.

NotSpartacus Sat 06-Aug-16 19:05:59

It's totally normal to feel that way.

My best friend found out she was pregnant with her second the day I had surgery for my second ectopic (and third loss) in 7 months. By that point I had been trying for a sibling for my daughter for well over a year. Her oldest at that time was not even 1 , so essentially I was being lapped (I know it's not a race, but still...).

When she told me a few weeks later I just cried and cried. Between sobs I managed to tell her I was happy for her, but just so so sad for me, and that while I didn't want to take the shine off things for her, I would really appreciate it if she could keep the baby talk to a minimum. She did. A few months later I felt stronger again and was able to be properly happy for her (and I apologised a lot).

Good friends will understand and help you, and you can avoid anyone else for the time being if it helps. Go gently on yourself.

hawaiibaby Sat 06-Aug-16 19:08:32

I really feel for you. I felt exactly the same after my ectopic. It's horrible to feel this way but it will pass. Allow yourself to grieve, four months isn't actually that long and you are coming to terms with a big loss and having to adapt to how you thought life was going to be, that was a big part for me and I felt a lot better after my dd when I shouldn't have 'still been pregnant.' Take care of yourself flowers

Lottapianos Sat 06-Aug-16 19:11:57

I get it completely OP. Ambivalence is my issue rather than miscarriage, and the announcements seem never ending at times. I want to scream at everyone to just stop getting pregnant please!

It's totally understandable to feel happy for them but desperately sad and lonely for yourself. It doesn't feel good but it's totally 'normal'. I'm so sorry you're struggling x

Chottie Sat 06-Aug-16 19:42:01

Be kind to yourself flowers

I had the same thing happen to me over 30 years ago. Life has moved on and I have been fortunate enough to have two DC (adults now obviously!) but I will never forget the pain and anguish I went through. A very unMN hug is on its way to you xx.

CatsAndCocktails Sat 06-Aug-16 19:46:16

Sorry for your loss. flowers Having suffered a MMC and had surgical management, I still find it can be upsetting to look back on and it has been a couple of years.

People genuinely don't think or consider what they say and their audience. Do consider that some people on MN hide all the pregnancy and conception threads because they don't want to see posts about it. So discussing this on AIBU isn't always very tactful either.

christmasid2 Sat 06-Aug-16 19:46:55

you're not awful and four months isn't a long time, some people might be over it by then, but not most I don't think.

Society needs to change in terms of the culture around pregnancy announcements. Most people have at least a few people they can announce to where they know that the announcement won't cause pain, so they should stick to that and just tell other people if they need to and in a low key way, you never know what someone might be going thru.

I suffered with not having kids for over a decade and the heartlessness of some of the people who knew what I was going thru meant I lost a couple of friendships (I've never really ditched a friend before) and also had further proof of the selfishness of some family members. I was happy that people I cared about were pregnant, but rubbing my face in it and not even acknowledging my pain is something i'll never forget. It wasn't finding out they were pregnant that got to me, it was telling me with this clear expectation that I should be whooping with joy even tho I was scared shitless of not being able to have a family and not knowing if I could live a life of not being a parent. Can you believe in one of these cases, the relatives sister even phoned me to bollock me that I hadn't whooped for joy?

Infertility and miscarriage are still far too taboo.
take care OP

StillCounting123 Sat 06-Aug-16 20:17:38

I have 2 children already, but suffered an early miscarriage in June.

I do feel jealous when I see pregnant women, and I know I will be so sad when I speak to someone with a similar due date to what mine should have been.

OP, you are not alone, and YANBU.

michy27 Sat 06-Aug-16 20:19:05

Thanks for the love guys.
It should be talked about more

ASAS Sat 06-Aug-16 20:30:28

It's those fucking arsing fuck cunt facebook things. How the fuck can people not just - sorry, ladies. However I feel good for getting that out.

Four months is very soon OP. Thinking of you.

MaudeandHarold Sat 06-Aug-16 21:20:24

Your feelings are entirely normal. I've had multiple miscarriage, found out recently it's because my dad's family carry a horrendous genetic disorder. I had no support or counselling, and consider myself lucky to have two surviving children. I used to find it hard to to see pregnant women, luckily most of my friends are childless, or tactful. I'm a lot better now, but used to find it hard to cuddle babies. 4 months is no time at kind to.yourself, and allow yourself time to grieve x x

Iloveowls2 Sat 06-Aug-16 21:28:59

Be kind to yourself. It's natural to think why can't that be me when you see the announcements. It's so hard to deal with grief that society seems to want to keep silent. But grieve for your baby, and if needed get some concilling to get peace

michy27 Sat 06-Aug-16 21:48:30

I've found that talking about it helps. Which is why I cannot understand why it isn't a more talked about subject, as it is so common. Love to everyone xx

minimonkey11 Sat 06-Aug-16 22:10:54

I understand. Its almost 2 years to the day that i had a scan at 10wks to be told the baby had died at 6wks. The worst feeling i found (apart from the screaming agony of mc) was 'how could i not know it had died'? I have had a child since then but preg was fraught with fear. I haven't forgotten that baby that never came. Xx

IthinkIamsinking Sat 06-Aug-16 22:15:20

YANBU at all OP to feel the way you do. It must be incredibly hard for you. So sorry for your loss flowers

AnUtterIdiot Sat 06-Aug-16 22:18:26

MMC in May. I don't mind pregnancy announcements but a friend who had an MMC at the same time is already pregnant again and keeps trying to confide in me. I can't stand it. I don't want to resent her but I wish she'd ask literally anyone else.

AnUtterIdiot Sat 06-Aug-16 22:20:14

It's not the pregnancy I can't stand. I just don't want to reassure her. I don't know if I'll ever be pregnant again and I don't want to talk about what it's like to be pregnant to anyone. Anyway, YANBU. It's bloody hard.

Writerwannabe83 Sat 06-Aug-16 22:21:05

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage flowers

It's so hard dealing with these announcements. I miscarried in the beginning of March and after a few months break we started TTC again in May. A good friend of mine started TTC at the exact same time and she caught pregnant on her cycle whereas I still haven't conceived. She put up her 12 week scan on FB today to make the announcement and it did upset me a little.

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