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to contact my exes grandparents?

(16 Posts)
meanex Sat 06-Aug-16 17:47:21

I split up with my ex husband 3 years ago. We have one ds aged 5.10 years old. We split custody between us.

It was a very acrimonious split. I'd been unhappy with him for a long time. I wanted to leave him for at least a year before we did end our marriage, but every time I brought it up, he would flatly refuse to discuss it, he said that all people became unhappy in their marriages eventually, and it wouldn't be fair on ds to split up just because "we were not having sex anymore".

I tolerated this for a few more months then I met someone at work. I finally felt wanted again, and alive, and told ex I was leaving. I have been with my partner since then.

I appreciate some people will judge me for the way it happened but I was incredibly unhappy. It was like a prison.

Obviously his family took me leaving very hard. His mum has barely spoken to him since. He has grandparents, lovely people in their 80s. We were very close and I do miss them. They don't live far from me and ds has been asking to visit them. He doesn't get to see them much when he's with ex as he lives further away and doesn't have a car anymore.

WIBU to write to them and ask if they'd mind me popping by with ds every now and then? I dare say they may feel disloyal to ex and I don't want to put them in a horrible situation.

meanex Sat 06-Aug-16 17:48:13

I mean his mother has barely spoken to me, not him.

Billyjoelene578 Sat 06-Aug-16 17:53:54

Sounds like a nice idea to me, and if it's to allow them to see their grandson , I don't see why they feel disloyal to it ex (tho he might not like it...). I still have my ex mil over about 3 times a year coz the ex doesn't take the DC to see her much; everyone's different, so perhaps it could work out great for you. At worst I'd imagine they'll ignore your letter, so seems worth a shot?

smileyhappypeople Sat 06-Aug-16 17:56:05

I think you should speak to your ex first.... It's his family and you it would be better if he knew.
Not sure what I would do if he says no though?!

WorraLiberty Sat 06-Aug-16 17:58:11

Do you live with your partner?

MatildaTheCat Sat 06-Aug-16 17:59:24

You need to word it very carefully as you could end up making them feel very anxious and upset. I've no doubt they want to see their great grandson but their loyalties will be split. They've probably been told that you are a greedy harlot and have been turned against you.

Would it possibly work to ask to meet them at a playground or park and leave ds with them for a short while whilst you hover in the background?

Ask but be prepared for disappointment and also abuse from your ex when he finds out.

Irelephant Sat 06-Aug-16 18:11:22

Oh god I have this. DD's dad is an abusive arsewhole. His dad and grandparents are lovely.

He's NC with them mostly due to his treatment of me.

I just can't cope with the chew I have more then enough bother with him without involving his wider family.

ConkersDontScareSpiders Sat 06-Aug-16 18:13:14

I would ask your ex if he minds first. And if he thinks they would mind. you don't want to put them in a position where they will worry about being disloyal, or tbh upset him further, as after all they are his family not yours. My ex keeps trying to get in touch with my dad with whom he was once close.My dad does not want to speak to him and finds it very distressing. And then I find it distressing that my dad is upset and that my ex won't hear it when he is told to back off-as he made his choices. I know it would be nice to see them-by if they want to see the kids can your ex not take them?

meanex Sun 07-Aug-16 09:22:28

Thanks for the responses - to the poster who asked if I lived with dp, I do - is that relevant?

I know ex would flatly refuse if I asked him as he is a control freak and would hate for me to be around his grandparents in a situation that he couldn't control. That's why I was thinking to just write.

meanex Sun 07-Aug-16 09:23:53

And I mentioned in my op that ex lives a very long way from them, and I don't, so would be easy for me to take him.

Bambamrubblesmum Sun 07-Aug-16 11:23:46

I think you should respect his view, they are his family.

Given the circumstances of your split you're just going to stir things up again and possibly cause conflict within your ex's family.

Zuccarelli Sun 07-Aug-16 13:25:29

I'd just tell your ex that your son wants to see them and offer to take him if he can't. Then the ball is in his court. It's his family.

NeedsAsockamnesty Sun 07-Aug-16 15:21:54

They are the Childrens familiy as well as his.

You know what sort of people they are and you know if you can avoid making them uncomfortable we don't.

harderandharder2breathe Sun 07-Aug-16 15:45:06

I think there's no harm in asking but I would perhaps send a letter (or email /text if they use them) so they can mull it over without the pressure of an immediate response.

And only do so if you would be prepared to leave DS with them for a visit, as they may find that would have less fall out for their family. On the other hand if they're in their 80s they may not be up to a small child on their own so may ask you to stay around so you'd need to be prepared for that too.

It's hurtful to children to not see extended family due to adults falling out. Sometimes it's worth it (eg toxic families), and sometimes it can't be fixed but if you are willing to facilitate contact then you should ask.

panegyricS1 Sun 07-Aug-16 18:02:23

I'd drop a letter through their door or use email/Facebook if appropriate to give them time to mull it over, as a pp said. It's up to them. I also think, assuming they're in decent health, that you're better off leaving DC for an hour and collecting him later ie not staying there yourself. This is about DC and them, not you and them. You don't need to form/redevelop a relationship with them, other than one of civility.

Sparklesilverglitter Sun 07-Aug-16 18:06:29

I think as you are contacting them so your ds can have a relationship with them it is a lovely idea, send the letter include a phone number for yourself and then the ball is in there court.
Also mention to your ex after the letter is sent as they are his family, just say your ds has been asking if he could see them.

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