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To can't help but be annoyed/fed up with this?

(48 Posts)
twocultures Sat 06-Aug-16 16:55:12

Really sorry for long thread!
Don't want to out myself too much but DP has currently got big problems in his business and is at work a lot. We have a DC who is 16months and I'm a SAHM .
I know he's going through a tough time right now and I've been supporting him since this all started about March/April time this year, we've had sleepless nights and he's been in a bad way a few times over everything that's going on.
He's usually home quite late they close at 5 he always stays for meetings or to do whatever needs doing doesn't get home until 6.30/7 sometimes later if something crops up . He also works Saturday's ,even through they are shut, doing whatever needs to be done etc. He can rarely give me a specific time of when he'll get home. I understand he runs a business and it's not exactly your standard 9-5 job.
He recently gave me the news that in order to survive we will have to make BIG cutbacks (again can't say what as don't want to out myself but it will be a huge change and difficult for the whole family).
I've been supportive and understand we need to do whatever we need to do, we're a family and we will stick it out together.
We've got an important date tomorrow which we've not even discussed what we'll do for it and today he's at work, told me he'll be back at 3, rang me at 3.45 to say he won't be back until 7/7.30 .
I've been stuck in the house all day in this sunny weather with the dog and DC and expecting him back at a decent hour so we could at least go for a walk (pram got left in his car yesterday) .
I'm not going to tell him but AIBU to feel fed up and annoyed with the whole situation? I'm sick of it and sick of him never knowing anything for certain which prevents us from making any plans unless they're really last minute, AIBU to have had enough of having to run things through him (and get no solid answers) as we have no routine and never know what days/times we can make plans for?
AIBU to be sick of being stuck in the house with a needy toddler who wrecks the house all day pretty much everyday? AIBU to have had enough of last minute texts saying he'll be home at X time hours after he's supposed to be?

I just feel upset and fed up .... And I'm beginning to feel resentful for everything we have to do and the things we cannot do.... I know he can't help our current situation and I'm not blaming him for it, I really appreciate and admire him for everything he's done and is still doing, I know it's for us in the long run.
I can't tell him how I feel as I know he has got enough on his plate as it is ATM but I guess I just needed to get it off my chest. I feel like there isn't anything to look forward to in our lives right now and I'm just feeling down a lot.

caroldecker Sat 06-Aug-16 17:02:11

Why can't you go out with the baby and the dog?

twocultures Sat 06-Aug-16 17:13:13

Could only go for a walk as live in the middle of nowhere , currently no car + no pram as DPs got it in his car as we forgot to take it out yesterday.

Pearlman Sat 06-Aug-16 17:14:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Sat 06-Aug-16 17:24:19

YABVU, he's obviously struggling to keep the family afloat and you're whining about not being able to make plans for days out!!

There will be several things you could be doing to assist like finding work etc so he doesn't go under handling all the pressure.

You are supposed to be a team.

redskytonight Sat 06-Aug-16 17:27:09

I would think the main thing you can do to support him is to not moan about him being out all the time and keep the home end of things going so he doesn't need to worry about it!!

However, I guess I would want to know whether this is a genuine rough patch for the business and things will get better, or whether DH is best to cut his losses.

Tiggeryoubastard Sat 06-Aug-16 17:30:19

Ffs! Are you always this precious? Fwiw 6.30/7 is nowhere near late home. He's fighting for the living he makes, I presume, and you're fed up? Some people don't see their oh's for months on end. You need a big dose of grow the fuck up.

twocultures Sat 06-Aug-16 17:45:42

Dragons we have discussed and he does not want me to work + I help out in his business for free (obviously as I want to do everything I can to help) with one side of it as I'm bilingual and that can take up quite a bit of my time on top of looking after DC and house.
Red I think I've established that I do not moan to him or complain at all. I always support him and do everything I can to help. I guess I just needed to express how I feel somewhere.
Tigger I feel like it's late as he sets off at 6 am and ends up not being able to see DC quite a lot of days, that's the only reason I don't like it as I know he'd like to see DC as much as possible and I know he gets upset about it. I know he can't do anything about it and like I said I don't blame him or complain to him.
I think I came across wrong I don't mean days out as such it's more like "we have a close family wedding to go to away in XYZ on the XYZ and I need to RSVP by XYZ" and I can't get an answer until it's past the RSVP date. I know it's small things but I'm the one who deals with this side of the household and it can be frustrating.

ThroughThickAndThin01 Sat 06-Aug-16 17:46:29

I sympathise OP. You might be a bit unreasonable but I think your position is tough, with the age of dc plus a dog.

Is the cutting back that you aren't able to disclose a big issue?

Ginkypig Sat 06-Aug-16 17:47:05

Sounds to me like you need to start making plans for your family and if he can make it great and if he can't well your not missing out or hanging around waiting.

I think there may be things going on that this post doesn't cover like the business isn't doing well... Cutbacks.

You need to take control of your side of things for a while if he is trying hard and not taking the piss out of you.

It might be worth you looking for somthing so you feel like you've got somthing more as it sounds like you feel a bit stuck and by yourself, wether that be a job or something else only you would know.

Basically this is a long post to say simply if your not happy only you can fix it, it would be ideal to have him around more but if he genuinely can't at the moment for real valid reasons then you need to find a fix for you (even if temporary) so your not feeling resentful of him if he can't change things.

twocultures Sat 06-Aug-16 17:48:40

Through when I say cutback it's quite a bit bigger than that yes and it will have a big effect on us.

scurryfunge Sat 06-Aug-16 17:49:37

He doesn't want you to work? Is it his decision to make or yours?

Ginkypig Sat 06-Aug-16 17:50:35

And as I was writing you added more so il say this too.

He can't tell you he doesn't want you working esp if he isn't around, if you want to work that is your decision!

twocultures Sat 06-Aug-16 17:51:21

Ginky yes maybe it didn't come across enough, I mentioned there are big problems in the business atm.
It's hard to make plans on my own as they're usually things that involve him.

Mummyoflittledragon Sat 06-Aug-16 17:52:03

Tiggery. That was uncalled for. We don't know the sacrifice op has made and unless you've background knowledge, we don't know her mental health.

Op you sound really eff'd off. Yes, life with a wingey child and DH working almost every day can be tough if you're not built to withstand this. Not all women had access to the all capable mummy gene some women seem to have when their chromosomes were defined. hmm

Go for a little walk. If you are near a stream, take the dog for a paddle or pick up some stones along the way. Look at the pretty flowers. Come home, put some Tv on for DC, set up some toys and relax or have a gin.

Oly5 Sat 06-Aug-16 17:53:04

I feel for you. I would be fed up too. Has he thought of jacking it in and getting a different job? If things aren't going well maybe it's just not right?
You sound like you feel isolated and I too would be sad he doesn't see the child all day. Maybe you could explain calmly to him that it makes you feel sad that even thigh things are v tough business-wise, you don't get to do nice things to compensate a little. Like go for a Saturday afternoon walk.
Personally, if I were you i would get a job. But understand that's not for everyone

Smurfnoff Sat 06-Aug-16 17:54:26

You're short on cash, you'll have to cut back, he's working longer hours to make things better and you're moaning you're stuck indoors on a sunny day. And you ask are you being unreasonable? What do you bloody think?

AnUtterIdiot Sat 06-Aug-16 17:56:00

I'm self employed with unpredictable hours and I am telling you now that the biggest source of stress and frustration for me outside of work is family members complaining about this kind of thing. My DH is fab and always has been but other family members are not. It is very frustrating to be bollocked for working late when the person bollocking you knows perfectly well that you had no choice (which it sounds as if you do).

AnUtterIdiot Sat 06-Aug-16 17:56:48

And that's me not going through a major crisis on the work front. YANBU to vent here but you would be pretty unreasonable to vent at him.

Janus Sat 06-Aug-16 18:01:44

My husband runs his own business too and at the start (not sure if this is a relatively new business?) it takes some adjustment to your routine. He now works away most weeks and we see him at the weekend and at first I found this hard (as this coincided with us moving to a completely new area too and me being pregnant with our third). Now though I'm fine (most weeks, maybe not when the sick bug strikes or something hideous like that!!).
It takes some time to adjust to new timings etc so although it seems hard now you will get used to this I suspect/hope!
I have made a very independent life for myself, I do everything at home, pretty much, and he does all the worrying over work. I have lovely friends here too and I couldn't do a week on my own without that support of seeing another adult face! Do you have similar friends you can meet up with? I honestly would plan your day as if husband won't be there and then if he did get home at 3/4 o'clock it may be a bonus or it won't matter as you will be busy with something else!
You very much need to plan your day for you and dc. Have some good things planned and get a really cheap eBay pram to have as a back up!!
The other thing I do is try and get all housework etc done so when he's home we can spend good quality time as a family together, not me with my head in a washing machine!
It's tough, I feel for you but it's time to get a bit more of your life so you are not waiting for him to come home all the time, hth?!

YogaPants Sat 06-Aug-16 18:05:04

YABU to say that your DH doesn't have a routine. It sounds like he is busy with work from 6am to 7pm Monday-Saturday and cannot be expected to be home then but is dependably around evenings and Sunday's.

YANBU to feel bored and fed up with being stuck at home with a toddler. This is, however, your problem and not his. I would recommend looking at ways you can feel less stuck such as work/hobbies/a hobby that can earn a small income/volunteering. Even just making something for your DC to play with outside that could be utilised when you need them to burn off some energY on days like today might be an improvement.

Ginkypig Sat 06-Aug-16 18:05:13

Oly5 that's my view too but wasn't sure wether to say it.

Some people hold on to a business well past when it should have been killed off for fear of being a failure or because of the work it took to build it but the reality is if it's nor working then it's just a weight that needs lopping off! Esp if it's at the point where keeping it adversely affects the family and puts things at risk!

Op there's lots of things that you might feel like dh needs to be around for and idealy he should be but that doesn't mean he needs for example the wedding, (prob too late now) if you want to go could you have said yes then gone yourself with dc if he couldn't make it?

The point is if he can't or won't invest in the family you shouldn't be putting your life on hold for the day he can. You have the right to enjoy your life and family.

Life is too short to wait around for somone, I'm not saying leave him because I don't know the full picture what I'm saying is you choose to put you first sometimes and see if it helps how your feeling.

happypoobum Sat 06-Aug-16 18:07:38

I agree with Ginky. I think your unhappiness stems from the fact you are trying to operate as the family unit you want to be rather than the family unit you have.

So, for example, wedding at XYZ, tell him if you haven't had confirmation that he is coming by x date, you will RSVP simply for yourself. If he cannot follow simple communications and plan his time effectively, maybe that's why his business isn't going well?

Also, as you are bilingual, is there more work you could pick up and do from home? Translation work etc?

This business - is it a proper business or is he one of those dickheads we come across on here quite often whose business is actually some sort of hobby, or they are good at doing something but that hasn't converted into being able to run a business out of it?

I would probably tell him how you feel. Otherwise it will just fester.

Also, you probably feel worse today because you haven't been able to get out? Living in the back end of nowhere isn't really that sensible with a toddler if you don't have good public transport or access to a car.

happypoobum Sat 06-Aug-16 18:08:23

X post Ginky....

Ginkypig Sat 06-Aug-16 18:09:54


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