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DH's work trip - who is being unreasonable?

(14 Posts)
guinea36 Sat 06-Aug-16 16:09:17

Am happy to be told I'm being unreasonable here. Just want to be sure I'm seeing things in perspective.
DH has gone off for a week on a work related trip in Europe.
He has phone signal and internet access while away but we have spoken twice. The first time I called him. I had to make quite a few attempts to get hold of him but he had just arrived after a long journey so I could understand that he might have been resting etc.
The next time he rang me was today, six days into the trip, when he called to tell me what a good time he had been having. He didn't ask how I was doing.
I am usually very independent and self sufficient and have plenty of things to do while he is away. However I was bothered on this occasion that he hadn't bothered getting in touch with me until now.
I'm 12 weeks pregnant, work full-time with a long commute and have been finding it really hard this week, with tiredness etc. I told him I was annoyed and it would have been nice for him to have checked in a bit more to see how I was feeling. He doesn't see it like that and says that he knows I am independent and would call him if I had a problem. Generally we have a very happy marriage. Who is being unreasonable here?

Nanny0gg Sat 06-Aug-16 16:13:29

He is.

Thoughtless. Independance has nothing to do with it. You are now pregnant and it wouldn't hurt him to show consideration and care.

BestZebbie Sat 06-Aug-16 16:13:43

YABU - Your request for more contact is in itself reasonable, but what is unreasonable is that it sounds like you changed what you wanted for this trip because you are pregnant, but didn't tell him. If he did what you would usually like, it cannot be his fault that you changed your mind secretly.

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Aug-16 16:16:42

Her situation has changed, though. In the past she might have been okay with him calling once a week when he's away, but it is different when you're pregnant. He should have wanted to speak to her, to check she was alright.

IthinkIamsinking Sat 06-Aug-16 16:16:59

I think YAB a bit U. It's only a few days. That said I had 6 months of sporadic contact when my DH was working in a war zone so I'm not that fussed about someone 'checking in' constantly. I can go days without seeking to DH when he is abroad as I know I can get hold of him if I really need to. Not sure how him asking you how you feel a number of times in 6 days is important. You are tired and 12 weeks pregnant.... I would assume there wouldn't be much variation in that from day to day.

InTheDessert Sat 06-Aug-16 16:19:20

Both of you. After the first call, you didnt attempt to call him either, did you?
Not asking how you were is a bit off.
But I'm probably a bit biased. I've not spoken to DH in 2 weeks. We have survived with WhatsApp. It sucks, but it's the way it is if I stay in the UK longer than his holidays allow.

ButtMuncher Sat 06-Aug-16 16:25:25

If the level of contact is normal or similar to the level of contact you've had in the past and there has never been a problem, then I'd say you're probably be a bit unreasonable as technically he's not deviating from previous behaviour.

However - you're 12 weeks pregnant in the height of summer, so tbh, as someone who is also pregnant, I'd expect my DP to perhaps check in more regularly with that in mind. But, if you're super independent, he may not want to trouble you and/or constantly be asking how you're feeling - my DP said the other week that the more he asks how I am, the more worrisome I tend to get and he's actually right! If you've had a brilliantly symptom free pregnancy up till now, it's pretty common for guys to sort of just let women get on with it unless otherwise called upon - DP says he feels like a spare part most of the time grin

I don't think either of you are being unreasonable tbh. I think it's a new situation you're in and I would just make it clear to your DH that you'd appreciate a bit more contact during the time he's away. Perfectly within your rights to ask for it and I would feel the same, but me and DP are in contact daily irrespective of location (already have child).

NavyandWhite Sat 06-Aug-16 16:29:55

You could have rung him I guess. Do you normally not ring each other much when one of you is away? If so maybe you could have pointed out to him before he left that you wanted him to check in more often than usual.

guinea36 Sat 06-Aug-16 16:30:45

Thank you for your messages. I think we are probably both being a bit unreasonable x

NavyandWhite Sat 06-Aug-16 16:33:40

Next time you speak to him drop big hints for a present you want bringing back wink

pearlylum Sat 06-Aug-16 17:03:18

Depends- those "attempts" at getting in touch did those leave a call log or text message?
If he had seen that you had been making attempts to communicate then he should have called back.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sat 06-Aug-16 17:16:24

I think I would feel that he should make more effort to check in and see that you're all right, but he might not have realised that. Or think that way.

You're already understanding that things are different, that you're having a baby - if he's not that sensitive, then he isn't really going to have emotionally twigged that yet, and may not until the baby actually arrives. Some men really don't "get it".

However, part of your feelings may be hormone-related too; if you weren't pg, you might not have cared less that he didn't call in.

But for heaven's sake, communicate with him next time - he's not a mind reader, TELL him that you're hurt he didn't consider checking you were ok, because things ARE different now.

Eatthecake Sat 06-Aug-16 17:35:56

Both being unreasonable

guinea36 Sat 06-Aug-16 18:50:19

- I think you've hit the nail on the head there ThumbWitches

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