If you want my advice I would......NO I BLOODY DON'T WANT IT! Please come and share your 'smug parenting' experiences

[Fingle]

Honestly had my fill of it today from family members, the subtle, snide comments about what they do with their apparently 'perfect' children, the uninvited 'advice' about how to deal with our toddler, ongoing passive aggressive comments about what we say or do with our children. I spent the whole day smiling and nodding and refusing to be drawn in but inside was raging. I have been given 'advice' on the words I use, the tone I use, the nicknames I call my children (at 3 and 6 they are too old for nicknames), what rules I have (too harsh), what I let them get away with (ironically too much given the previous comment), how I deal with problems or arguments, potty training, eating, smiling, eye contact, physical contact (apparently I'm too tactile) to name but a few... You'd think I have horrors when actually I have two perfectly lovely dc's who can be a handful but 99% of the time are very polite, well mannered and well behaved children! Can anyone make me feel any better with any advice on how to handle in the future or any experiences they have had?

[Beeziekn33ze]

Breathe a sigh of relief and don't go to every family get together! If you're not there you won't hear it and maybe these delightful rellies will pick on someone else!

[BrioLover]

"Surely you just put him down and he settles himself?" From an apparently well-meaning family friend after she'd asked how DS sleeps - he didn't sleep through till 2, and then not reliably. Also from the same person "maybe he's hungry, have you tried giving him milk before bed?"

Smile and nod. I feel your pain.

[lovelilies]

From my best friends mum- "you should give her 2 oz of formula and if she takes it, you know you're not making enough milk" because DD2 feeds A LOT. She's only 6 weeks old! And the 3rd DC I've BF so I think I know what I'm doing

[M0nstersinthecl0set]

Thank fuck for Summer. I get 2 months off family events and the constant stream of helpful "suggestions". My sympathy OP

[Pawprintz]

A friend wouldn't accept that I only wanted one child. She kept advising me to have another, pointing out her fugly new baby (2nd child) to drum home what I was "missing".

[CigarsofthePharoahs]

My sister told me off for calling my then 2 year old a clever boy.
In the mists of time (three years ago) I have forgotten what he was doing. I just remember her cross face and her telling me that you should NEVER call a child clever or he might start thinking he was clever and stop trying. Apparently I should only ever praise him for effort.
I made a pretty good combination of the face and the face.
Mind you, my sister talks to her children in the same tone of voice as she does with their dog.

My toddler is a crap sleeper. Most people are sympathetic, but I have had the "Why don't you just put him down and leave him?" comments.
Why? Because he'd cry. A lot. For a bloody long time too. He'd disturb everyone and everything within a three mile radius and it wouldn't work anyway. Neither do I want to cause any psychological damage.

[Catzpyjamas]

You can get t-shirts printed for your DCs to wear next time?

[Fingle]

I just know they think i am a crap parent and I find it so depressing. Every time I see them as I feel more and more edge about the children's behaviour and my parenting - I am actually a professional who works with children and know that my children's behaviour and our parenting is all very normal, healthy and loving; the children are thriving, happy and both developing very well - it is just every little thing is picked up on and commented on. We've reduced contact a lot and each time I convince myself they're not that bad until I spend some prolonged time with them again. I cannot think of any other individuals who can crumble my self esteem quite so effectively!

[Fingle]

Oh catz I love that!

[dietcokeandwine]

Yanbu op.

I would reduce contact down even further if I were you. Do you have to keep going to these gatherings? Do you get anything positive out of them yourself, or are they just duty visits?

If duty, I'd be making polite excuses for next time. Just avoid the hassle and save yourself feeling shite. It's not worth it.

[maddiemookins16mum]

"If you give her that filthy dummy* she'll still be sooking on it at 4 years old you know!!".

Well actually DS, she wasn't, she'd given it up easily by 20 months, speaks perfectly well and the dentist thinks she has great teeth.

• apologises to MN for using a dummy but hey I'm not perfect 😊

[Catzpyjamas]

Hard as it is, I just smile, nod and ignore except once when I screamed "She's not your daughter!" at my DM who replied "No, but you are!"

[SallyMcgally]

My elder sister is an educational psychologist and I've done everything wrong. Their diet is crap ( tbh it's not great), I'm over protective, DH is overprotective, they have too much screen time, I didn't bring enough toys with me on a family holiday, I should have been happy to breastfeed in public, I should have just let DS dig up his grandfather's garden with a teaspoon because that's just what 2 yr olds do and on and on.

[MaudeandHarold]

We all co-slept ( my daughter stopped breathing at 8 weeks and I had to resuscitate her...so after that I was Annie Anxiety) and apparently my daughters would still be in my bed when they are teenagers. Surprisingly enough, they are not. I managed to get some sleep too.

[DarlingCoffee]

Smile and ignore, smile and ignore! I have the same with my in laws, however you never know when the tables will be turned and their little darlings start behaving atrociously. Got to love karma!

[BlackeyedSusan]

why the hell would you want advice from, or trust the opinion of people who think that critiscing someone is the way to get them to improve.

[LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF]

Re: the nicknames - your user name is actually my NN for my DS!

[SingingMyOwnSpecialSong]

In the supermarket with grumbly, refluxy 12 week old DD in a sling. Lots of sympathetic, don't worry we've all been there looks/comments, all fine. Then a man on his own approaches me and announces in a smug, know it all tone 'i've got a six week old, she probably just needs her nappy changing.' She did not, and I told him so along with the fact i've looked after children for many years. What really annoyed me was the fact his baby was quite possibly at home screaming its head off at his wife while he escaped to the shops in peace and lectured others.

[clare2307]

I get advice ALL the time on how to make DD2, who is 10.5 months old, sleep all night in her own bed... I am shocked at the amount of people that think we should just leave her to cry! As long as we are all getting a semi decent nights sleep most nights, quite frankly, I couldn't care who is in what beds!

[Bluetrews25]

I'm practicing NOT giving advice to any future DILs (thanks to MN for the education) by NOT advising (considerably younger) work colleagues about their offspring and related sleep problems. Getting easier to say nothing and keep a neutral face the more I do it.
Had to stifle a grin when one new mum i work with was going to advise someone else who was due shortly. (Yeah, as you would have welcomed that yourself, wouldn't you??)

[dentydown]

"You've never disciplined them from the day they were born!" Whenever I try to discipline I get shouted at and undermined!

[PuntasticUsername]

Oh gods, I used to be such a massive awful advice-giving smug parental twat. I have no idea why I thought it acceptable to give other parents the benefit of my dubious wisdom, completely unsolicited. Equally, I've no clue how I never got thumped for it.

I am so so so so so sorry!

[Oly5]

I love your post Clare. Never left my two to cry and so glad I didn't. Both slept through every night before age 2. No screaming needed

[3luckystars]

I just look at who is giving the advice, its usually enough to make me laugh!!

Dhs aunt was always commenting to me when I had my first baby, and I was actually taking it on board even though she hadn't a clue about children, then one day she was going on at me because ds had no teeth!! Like I had some control over it? That was a real turning point, I try to ignore almost everything now and go with my gut.

However, there is one thing that still aggravates me and that's when people say "oh, she's hungry!" Like I am that thick that I wouldn't feed her if she was.

[maddiemookins16mum]

Me too, I once told a friend....never use a dummy. God, without my daughters dummy (after an unplanned baby, me as an older very anxious mum, leaving my well paid job for 18 months), her dummy saved my sanity. You do what you do, to get through (especially the first two years).