to have stayed logged in to DD's IG?

[stabbytheunicorn]

DD is 12 and uses Instagram. No judging please, we talked about staying safe, only accepting people she knows irl, not using her name/location etc. My husband and I both follow her etc.

Anyway, a month or I was taking her to a weekend camp and she didn't have her phone but mentioned her friend had sent a DM regarding a birthday sleepover. She used my phone to log in so I could read the message. I helped her compile the reply (she was asking several friends what dates they were available) and she sent the message, had a scroll of her ig and about 10 min later handed my phone back. A few hours later a notification popped up and I realised she hadn't logged out.

I still haven't logged out and she hasn't realised.

I'm going to be really honest, I have read her direct messages ever since.. is that crossing a line and should I just log out or is it good parenting to keep an eye on what she is doing online?

Just to add, the group chats she's part of are general preteen chats. Occasionally a swear word thrown in and mostly her replies are utter nonsense, random wittering about the band's she loves and films she's watching.

So log off/ stay on.. wwyd?

[mrsfuzzy]

yabu the fall out is going to be bad it she finds out, don't expect her to trust you for a long time.

[HufflepuffsAreCool]

Either you trust her to have an Instagram acc or you don't. Invading her privacy is just rude. So log off or ask her to delete her account

[VimFuego101]

I think a condition of using it should be that you reserve the right to check her messages - I would ask her for her phone occasionally so she knows you mean it. At this point, though, she's proved to be trustworthy so I wouldn't be reading through every detail of conversations with known, trusted friends of hers.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

I'd log off, I'd feel guilty for continuing to read her private thoughts.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

My 12yo has instagram on the condition that I see everything that is going on. It's logged in to my phone, but he knows this.

I wouldn't do it behind his back, but then I wouldn't have let him have the account without the condition that I have full access at all times either.

[booklooker]

log off.

I found out that my parents were reading my diary at a similar age. So I deliberately wrote awful stuff in it to shock them.

That was about 40 years ago, I had a goodish relaionship with my parents, but I hated their intrusion into my space.

[mrsfuzzy]

i can understand some parents wanting access to instagram accounts but there are other ways kids communicate and imo if you insist on reading stuff it might make the young person more secretive as a result.

[mrsfuzzy]

booker you're on my page exactly.

[WorraLiberty]

I don't think it's fair to snoop in secret.

When my kids asked for social media accounts I agreed on the understanding that I would set the accounts up, and keep the login details.

They knew I could check up on them any time and were happy to agree to those terms.

They're older now so obviously I've told them it's fine to change passwords etc.

[MissMogwi]

As a mother of two teens, I wouldn't read it all the time but I would check occasionally and tell her I was doing so. Sounds innocent enough at the moment but that can change in a heart beat.

I checked in on my daughter's when she was about 13 and a random pervert (aged around 30) had sent her an unsolicited picture of his knob. She hadn't seen it but she had taken off the privacy settings we'd agreed upon so she was banned until she could be trusted. I do check both of their phones - they both know about it. I don't read messages between their friends but I do check social media, followers, content.

I'll probably get flamed for being OTT but I don't give a damn. There are some weird people out there plus teens can be easily influenced.

[Hulababy]

The issue isn't that you are monitoring. The issue is that she doesn't know.

DD had social media before she turned 13y but it was with an understanding that I had all passwords and could have access to any posts or messages on there. But she was aware of that and it was one of the condition of her using it.

She is 14y now and I no longer check, and don't know her password for Snapchat. I think i do for FB and Instagram. However, she still knows that, as a 14y child I, as her parent, can have access if I need to or am concerned. She is/was happy with those conditions and is very aware of e-safety information, etc. linked to it.

[lalalalyra]

The checking isn't the issue - the secrecy is.

DS1 is 17 - I no longer check his social media at all (although I probably could as I doubt he's ever changed his password).

Twin DD's are 13 - One I check very occasionally, mostly just to check she hasn't adjusted security settings or added anyone I wouldn't be happy with. She's a sensible kids and has always been very open with us. The other I check far more regularly (with her knowledge) because she is a very reactive person. She doesn't think things through. She's broken the rules a couple of times and has been sanctioned accordingly. I'll keep checking for as long as I think I need too.

I wouldn't do it secretly though. Part of building up the trust I have in them, and them in me, is having rules and conditions that we all adhere too (for example my girls have one thread between them on FB that is called 'no mum' - DH checks on that instead and they use it to discuss my birthday and christmas things). A betrayal of trust is a betrayal of trust and it won't matter that your her Mum and you did it for good reasons, you will still have breached a trust you placed in her when you allowed her to set it up without establishing a rule whereby you check it.

[catsilversilk]

Just FYI (and all moral judgement aside) IG always tells you and your friends when you are 'active' and how long ago/what time you were last 'active' even if it was just to look snoop - so if you were contemplating continuing then ensure you are only doing it at the same time or very shortly after her otherwise you'll get caught out worked this out because I'm in the same position, judge me all you like!

I think that them wittering on to their friends is fine and 12 is just about ok but I am very aware that social media has it's dark side and kids can be nasty, even or especially ones they know IRL. I think keeping an eye on that is justified - a very hard thing to understand until you have a 12 year old you love and want to protect in the modern world.

[CancellyMcChequeface]

Log off.

It's one thing to tell young teenagers that you'll be monitoring their internet usage, including private messages (I wouldn't do this, but recognise that others think it's necessary) and quite another to do it in secret. The longer it goes on, the worse it'll be when she finds out. What she's writing about might be completely innocent and unimportant, but if she thinks it's private and it turns out not to be, that's a serious betrayal of trust.