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WWYD Re DSDs wanting to come on holiday

(148 Posts)

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Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:26:11

I am going to "out" myself here but I am a bit beside myself.

Booked a holiday for us and our 6 kids. (None together).

OH got sent away for work. He is totally out of the picture right now.

DSDs (9 and 11) still massively excited about coming. Which was great. Was actually really looking forward to having a week with them.

I went to see them a few weeks ago (ex wife and I were v friendly) and was worried about living arrangements (ex wife renting massive house and has 4 lodgers, 3 male no DBS checks - everyone getting drunk), lots of other concerns.

I drove away v worried so messaged her best friend who said she had been messaging ex wife mum and suggested I did the same.

So I did saying please can you keep an eye as am very worried I don't want to say anything and offend ESP as we have this holiday booked and she (ex wife) has form for threatening no access.

Her mum did nothing other than tell her I had messaged and what I said.

Predictably she has said I can no longer have a relationship with the kids and she "has asked" them if they want to come away and they don't (apparently).

I have said if they change their minds that's fine please let me know.

Holiday is next week and am pretty sure am going to hear nothing and they won't have "changed their minds" just feel absolutely shit that they are going to miss their (only ever) holiday that they were so excited about.

Do I risk a last ditch attempt?

I know she is struggling with money and was relying on me for childcare for that week.


Shizzlestix Sat 06-Aug-16 10:29:38

Go and speak to her. You've started a chain of Chinese whispers. I don't see why you didn't just talk to her in the first place. You've clearly pissed her off: time for some grovelling (sorry, you deserve to grovel) and see if you can resuscitate the relationship for the whole family's sake.

LunaLoveg00d Sat 06-Aug-16 10:30:22

If you're really concerned, you need to be contacting social services rather than third parties. Also your husband needs to be dealing with his ex, and her mother.

Lolimax Sat 06-Aug-16 10:31:12

Can't DH ask? Even if he isn't going they're still his DC's. Or you go to the house again and say you only messaged her mum because you care and you would really like to take the SC on holidays and it's not too late. Sounds like she feels backed into a corner.

cansu Sat 06-Aug-16 10:31:19

I think this is a lesson in keeping your nose out. If anyone was going to raise concerns it should have been the children's father. It isn't really that surprising that she doesn't want you to take the children away. You have gone behind her back, raised concerns about her parenting with her mother! Imagine that this was you. Your ex partners wife does the same to you. how would you feel?

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:32:01

I didn't speak to her because when I or OH have mentioned things in the past she has threatened access to the kids.

I can't go round and see her as is a 2.5 hour drive away.

Her best friend has been messaging me and OH for the past 2 years with concerns.

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:34:22

OH is not available or contactable.

I did not contact SS as work within that realm and was not sure it was "bad enough".

Thought (as advised by her best friend) it would be better for her mum to offer extra support.

Cheby Sat 06-Aug-16 10:36:08

I think you did the right thing OP. I'm surprised peol are saying 'keep your nose out' when you have a genuine concern for a child's welfare. And I see why you wouldn't want to speak directly to their mum. That situation does sound worrying to me.

Also lots of situations where people away from work are completely inaccessible so may not have been possible for your DP to speak to her.

What I would do now though, is get in touch with her directly, apologise for upsetting her, say you would like to make amends and the kids are still very welcome on the holiday.

Lelloteddy Sat 06-Aug-16 10:36:37

2 years of concerns and not one adult has stepped in to address them?
A holiday is the least of those kids worries.

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:37:39

I did that a month ago and have heard nothing confused

I KNOW they were really excited about coming whoever is right or wrong it's them I feel terrible for.

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:38:06

We have tried to step in.

Cheby Sat 06-Aug-16 10:38:28

And is no one else worried about that living situation? 2 pre teen girls with 4 unrelated, unchecked lodgers and lots of alcohol? Id be pretty worried I think.

Cheby Sat 06-Aug-16 10:39:38

I think the only thing you an do is try to keep lines of communication open. Text, maybe write a letter.

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:40:25

I know - but if I contacted SS I alienate myself further and she has said when he gets back he's going to have to go to court for access and he can't uphold a contact order due to his job.

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:41:41

Hmm yeah maybe a letter.

DSD1 had a phone but I think it's been cut off.

Am really worried they think I don't want to see them/don't care.

A11TheSmallTh1ngs Sat 06-Aug-16 10:45:23

Drive up and put them in the car.

Call SS when you get back from the holiday.

Lelloteddy Sat 06-Aug-16 10:48:32

Exactly what is the point of you posting OP?
You are suggesting that these children are at risk of neglect and harm, you have been told to contact SS but you aren't going to do that. I'm not sure what else you want to hear?

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:51:13

SS won't "do" anything as the situation isn't bad enough.

By making a referral to SS I will just make the whole situation worse.

eddielizzard Sat 06-Aug-16 10:52:35

phone her?

failing which i think the only other option is to drive up. i think you need to see those kids tbh.

ImperialBlether Sat 06-Aug-16 10:54:51

She can't just drive up and put the kids in her car - that's kidnap, ffs!

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Sat 06-Aug-16 10:55:04

I get that you are afraid of further alienation (and also really feel DH should be dealing with this, and not you) but if SS did get involved, they would be looking at the support network this woman has, and of which you and DH are very much a part of, therefore there may be no need to fear complete exclusion. The situation is very worrying, and even if they did come on holiday, they would still be returning to this very odd set-up.

SuburbanRhonda Sat 06-Aug-16 10:57:12

How do you know social services won't do anything unless you contact them?

If you work in that field you should know you can phone and ask for advice. It doesn't have to be a referral unless the children are at immediate risk of significant harm.

You really must phone for advice, they are the experts. If you're still determined not to, phone the NSPCC for advice.

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 10:57:51

DH will deal when he's back but he's not contactable ATM.

I have no legal rights at all. I had a friendship which allowed me access to the kids.

I have now "overstepped" the mark and have been blocked out.

I have never said anything before because of my precarious situation but this time felt I had to - and am now paying the price but more importantly the kids are too.

Lelloteddy Sat 06-Aug-16 10:59:11

How do you know what SS will or will not do?

Cutecat78 Sat 06-Aug-16 11:00:28

Because I work in SS.

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