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To think that this was not his fault and that she was BU?

(55 Posts)
FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 06-Aug-16 10:06:25

Dfriend's niece's birthday party was held recently, big do, all day kind of affair.

Dfriend was due to attend said birthday party with his DS but had to work in the day and would only be able to attend in the evening, around 7pm but was still happy to take DS when he finished work.

His ex said that in that case she would take their DS to the party in the daytime and then leave before Dfriend got there as they had a dentist appointment to take DS to anyway in the afternoon. So it was agreed, in advance, that she would take DS to the party and home again and that Dfriend would come afterwards. All good.

Unfortunately, Dfriend got the day of the party wrong and didn't end up going. Having been asked to stay late at work that day, he gets an angry phone call from his ex asking why he hadn't brought DS home?! She has decided that, because DS wanted to stay later at the party, that Dfriend could just bring him home. Only she didn't mention this to anyone, or contact Dfriend and ask if this was ok, she just assumed it would be. She was then very irate at Dfriend, calling him irresponsible etc.

Aibu or is she? If she had contacted Dfriend and asked him to take DS home, fair enough, but she didn't bother to contact him! Aibu to think this is her fault and actually she was irresponsible for leaving him there just assuming that Dfriend would take him home without arranging it in advance with anyone?

Arfarfanarf Sat 06-Aug-16 10:13:42

He got the day of the party wrong.

That's his fault.

She was wrong to assume anything. When it comes to arrangements regarding handover of children assumptions should never be made.

But the assumption she made - was it so bad? That he would attend the party he'd said he would attend?

She isnt responsible for reminding him about dates and ensuring he knows when the party is. He is a fully functioning adult male and he should be on top of that.
She is responsible for letting him know she'd like to leave their child with family on the assumption he will take over when he gets there.

So he's an idiot for getting dates wrong and she's wrong for assuming he would be where he said he'd be and not making sure her idea was ok.

wheresthel1ght Sat 06-Aug-16 10:15:52

How old is their DS? Although that doesn't make a huge difference. She was utterly unreasonable, they had made a plan, she altered it without consultation. She only has herself to blame

HeddaGarbled Sat 06-Aug-16 10:16:16

It would be irrelevant whether she'd checked he was OK to take him home as he wouldn't have turned up anyway because he got the wrong day. He said he was going and then didn't. He's a bit useless really isn't he.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 06-Aug-16 10:24:05

Well, no not really Hedda. If she'd phoned and asked him ahead of time he would have said no to staying on at work, remembered that the party was that day instead of the day he thought it was, and turned up.

Bit harsh to say that he is useless since you know literally nothing else about him, everyone makes mistakes.

Yes, he did get the date wrong, which was stupid of him and definitely his fault. It's not wrong to assume he would have been there but it was wrong to assume she could change the plan without telling him and he would be ok with it, especially when changing the plan meant that he was then responsible for taking DS home when he wasn't before.

In the original plan he wasn't even going to see DS let alone bring him home. And what happened to the dentist appointment he was supposed to be attending? Dfriend thought the would be going to that so there was no reason for him to think he might be there when he turned up and therefore have to drop him home.

Also, Dfriend only has a 2 seater car. So if he had anyone else in the car with him then he wouldn't have been able to take DS home anyway.

I would not leave my child somewhere without checking that the other person knew what they were expected to do and were happy to do it!

BertrandRussell Sat 06-Aug-16 10:27:34

So the child missed his dentist appointment?

XiCi Sat 06-Aug-16 10:33:14

Your friends fault, and yes he was being irresponsible. He was supposed to be at his nieces party by 7 so it would be safe to assume he would be there to take his son home. Sounds like he decided to do some overtime and not bother going to the party.

XiCi Sat 06-Aug-16 10:37:59

I take it dfriend is your boyfriend as you are so defensive. I would stay out of it, for all you know his ex texted him the change of plan, hence the bollicking when her son didn't arrive home. And yes he does sound a bit useless tbh

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Sat 06-Aug-16 10:40:00

Why are you so preoccupied with other people's affairs? unless by friend you mean your boyfriend and you are unhappy with his ex....

Whatthefreakinwhatnow Sat 06-Aug-16 10:40:20

x post *Xi?

AlpacaPicnic Sat 06-Aug-16 10:41:30

NOT his fault. Anything could have happened on the day to make him need to change his plans - car trouble, traffic problems, sudden illness - and his ex was totally irresponsible to just leave her son at a party without making sure that he was going to be looked after and taken home again.

Gazelda Sat 06-Aug-16 10:46:01

Dfriend seems unreliable.
His ex shouldn't have made assumptions about how DS would get home without checking with Dfriend.
Both were in the wrong.

MariposaUno Sat 06-Aug-16 10:46:12

It's a communication issue, all this could have been avoided with a a simple tXT.

I get he was working and thought the party was on another day?
Both are at fault doesn't matter who is more.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 06-Aug-16 10:48:01

I think it depends on the age of the child and the type of party. I'd be happy to leave my 2 year old at a family party with his dad to collect him later, as long as there were people I trusted willing to look after him in the meantime. Friend should take some responsibility for forgetting and failing to prioritise his son.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 06-Aug-16 10:49:39

If there was car trouble, traffic etc, father should have contacted mother to seek to agree a different plan.

Joshuajosephspork Sat 06-Aug-16 10:55:21

Not his fault. He wasn't even supposed to be seeing his son at the party. Nothing to do with his ex in that case whether or not he goes to somebody else's party. Completely irresponsible of her to just assume - he could have changed his plans, been ill or been disinvited for all she knew.

Having said that rude and flaky of him not to turn up to something that he had said he would attend - though still nothing to do with his ex (and mistakes happen)

diddl Sat 06-Aug-16 10:59:52

I don't think that what the ex did was that bad tbh.

She left her son at a kid's party with relatives, thinking that his father was due there at 7-as he had told the people holding the party that he would be.

It also sounds as if he was supposed to take his son in the day but didn't & the mum did instead.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 06-Aug-16 11:01:51

DS is 7, nearly 8, not that it makes a difference really.

Testing, he didn't forget about his son, his son wasn't supposed to be there when he was supposed to be there, they weren't even going to see each other in the original plan!

Yes he did Bertrand.

No, he isn't my boyfriend I just think it is unfair that she is blaming him for her mistake. As I said, it was his fault for not going in the first place but if she had stuck to her end of the plan it wouldn't have made a difference if Dfriend was there or not as he was supposed to have gone home by then.

He showed me the txt messages she sent and no, she didn't tell him anything until after. She has form for changing plans at the last minute and expecting him to change things last minute, as well as blaming him for everything even if it's nothing to do with him (eg, getting childcare for her other child that she had with someone else after she left him!).

I'm not suggesting, by the way, that he is completely void of blame. He did forget about the party. That is his fault. It isn't his fault that she changed the plan and didn't bother to tell him until afterwards.

Discobabe Sat 06-Aug-16 11:03:47

She shouldn't have assumed your dfriend would take him home without checking. As he was meant to take ds in the first place it wouldn't have been that unreasonable to assume he had space in his car to bring him home though.

It's a good job your df wasn't taking his ds to the party if he forgot about it though as poor ds would have missed out completely.

I find it hard to believe she left her ds at the party without saying anything to anyone though hmm

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 06-Aug-16 11:05:45

No, diddl, as the party was in the daytime on a weekday it was always going to be the case that Dfriend couldn't take DS in the day. He offered to take him in the evening right from the start, it's just that his ex said she would take him in the day so he got longer at the party. He's only recently started his job so he couldn't take annual leave or anything to take him.

HunterHearstHelmsley Sat 06-Aug-16 11:06:29

She was totally unreasonable and irresponsible. Anything could have happened meaning he wouldn't be there. Yes, it's his mistake that he got the dates mixed up but the rest is on her.

lemontrees Sat 06-Aug-16 11:07:44

Hang on! Fedup's friend's ex was due to attend the party with their DS and then take him to his dentist appointment before her friend even arrived! There WAS no childcare arrangement here. It is none of the ex's business whether he attended it or not and it certainly doesn't make him a feckless or irresponsible parent that he didn't. She should have confirmed the change in arrangements with him before deciding to leave their DS at the party. He wasn't due to have any contact with their DS that day and was attending the party on his own not with DS. Sure, he mixed the dates up but I'm pretty sure that if he knew his DS was still going to be at the party and that he was meant to take him home, he wouldn't have done so. The party was just a social occasion NOT a contact arrangement with ex and DS. Ex was totally BU by assuming that fedup's friend would do what he had said he would in his own time, which was wrong of her as it is really none of her business if arrangements for DS are not involved, and as far as his dad was aware, they weren't. Your friend INBU, OP - but ex was.

FedupofbeingtoldIcantusemyname Sat 06-Aug-16 11:11:41

Yes, exactly, lemon trees. There was no contact arrangement in place. If he had been responsible for taking DS to the party he would have remembered, he is normally very very responsible. Never misses a contact, never misses a maintainance payment, etc, this was very much a one off.

diddl Sat 06-Aug-16 11:14:28

"Dfriend was due to attend said birthday party with his DS but had to work in the day "

OK! That bit confused me.

I read it as he was going to take him in the day but then had to work.

It would obvs have been much better if the ex had cleared it with him, but I guess she thought that he wouldn't let his niece & others down by not turning up.

diddl Sat 06-Aug-16 11:17:05

And of course she shpuldn't have been angry with him when she phoned about it.

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