Want to move , husband does not(270 Posts)
Dear all ,
I desparately need advice . My husband and I are both irish but have lived in lonon for nearly 20 years. I really want to move home to be near my folks and my husband's family . I miss ireland a lot and we are always there . I have always done so.
Part of the move for me is to have a slower life and a more rural small town life with family time. We have partied hard here and lived london to the full but i desparately want calm and quiet and rural views and most of all my folks and in laws nearby for my kids to have a family life.
Objectively , we have an amazing life here in London .
The kids (aged 7 and 5) are well settled here and very happy in a fabulous school and we have a wide range of friends (including irish from uni and childhood ). On paper , all looks good for london and very few understand why i want to move but I am terribly home sick and want a change of pace and direction. My husband has a fab job here and if we moved he would commute from ireland staying two nights away . I have tried to give up on this ireland thing but i just cant.
It is tearing our marriage apart as my husband does not understand my need to go home or why family is such a big thing (for me , my parents are aging and I want to spend time together before they die).
After years of arguing , we are on our knees about this. I finally persuaded him to put an offer on a house in ireland and we lost it today . I am heartbroken and angry with him for not making it happen (the offer was low and half hearted ). I am close to divorce. I know this is not just about "home" but about the state of our marriage and my unresolved need to be near my parents. However , I am so consumed by anger that I have had to persuade my husband for so long when it is obvious (since the birth our first child) that I desparately want to go back. I don't get why he can't see how much this means and why he has not until very recently been open to any discussion on this. I appreciate that he does not want to be separated from us and his careerbis successful and here. He loves london. is it wrong of me to want different things and expect to be listened to ? Why has it taken a year of constant arguing forhim.toagree to think about moving ? Feel like I am losing my mind . Advice please x
I don't think either of yabu tbh you both just want different things. But you are asking your h to commute 2 a week from Ireland to London, it's not something I would want to do.
I know this is something that happens to people quite acutely. And I do think it's reasonable.
However it's also reasonable to love London and not want to be on a plane every single week for the next however many years just to work. That's not a great life for him.
Also the move from London to rural is not fun unless its your dream. It's shit if it's someone else's dream. And it does seem like you would be moving back to your own home place. Where is he from? Would he literally be moving back just to stare at your parents for the rest of their lives?
So you want your husband to commute from Ireland to London.
To spend several nights a week away from his family
To leave all your friends
Take your children out of a fantastic school and away from their friends
And you can't understand why he doesn't want to?!
I can understand the change of pace/life style thing but you can get that by moving outside London - and that would not be an unreasonable expectation for your husband to agree to.
Can you not spend more time with your parents? Spend chunks of school holidays with them, ask them to come and stay with you? My parents live hundreds of miles from me. I miss them dreadfully and completely understand the desire to see them more often as they get older. I wouldn't dream of disrupting my whole family to do this though.
I think you need to look at your marriage carefully. Do you actually want to be with your husband, wherever you are? REALLY? This sounds like a fundamental decision you should have made as a couple a long time ago. Do you want to be in Ireland or do you want to be with him. I think you probably need to decide that before anything and are you expecting to take the children with you? Will you be working in Ireland?
I think there is no easy answer here, one of you has to do all the compromising. You want to move but equally he wants to stay, why do your needs come above his (genuine question not being snippy)? The job issue would be a huge concern for him I suspect, if he's happy & successful in London what would be his prospects in Ireland?
I can understand where you are coming from as I have always wanted to stay near to my own parents despite the fact we could have moved nearer to dh family in Wales.
I would also question this whole"spending time with them before they die" thing.
What does that look like in reality? Become their carer? See them every day?
Cos that may not be as much fun as you think. Take it from someone who did it. It may end up that you had a lot more freedom in London.
In other words if he has a great job, just hop on a Ryanair once a month.
It'd be far less than you would be demanding of him.
So sorry you're going through this Op as it sounds very hard for all of you.
I'm from Northern Ireland & what you describe is my dream too, but when we're much older (40 now & DCs same age as yours).
Would some form of counselling help to get to the bottom of why you feel such a strong desire / what's going on in your marriage to make you feel the way you do?
Is there a compromise to be found? Spending more holiday time in Ireland? Your parents visiting you more often? Buying a holiday house there - so not moving completely but almost a first step??
If your marriage is good & your DH a good dad & your DCs happy & only you feeling as you do, I can imagine how it's tearing you apart inside - just don't make it a self-fulfilling prophecy if you're not wanting to split up as it sounds like you might end up splitting up anyway & then you'll be a single parent in London or you take the kids away from their dad & if you're split, then undoubtedly they'll not see as much of each other (unless obviously you don't have primary care for them).
I appreciate it is so hard for you & sorry I can't offer more advice. Good luck.
If you do split up, it's quite possible he will seek a ruling to prevent you moving with the children to Ireland.
Can you investigate places outside London with a bearable commute that have something of the rural feel you want? Do you work?
Alternatively, can you spend more time in Ireland, on your own if necessary? Maybe get a childminder or babysitter Friday nights or your H to cover so you can fly that day, fly back Sunday night or Monday if h can do the school drop off.
Why do you need to be so near your parents when you have so much going for you where you are? I get it that you want to spend time with them as they get older, but for me I'm afraid that my children's welfare and stability would come first, and I would compromise by visiting often. There is no logical reason why it should have to be your husband who does all the travelling.
I don't think your feelings are unreasonable.
But I think Yabu to think he must do this for you.
Your kids will have to leave their friends, you both will leave all your friends, a new country, a long commute and several nights away for dh.
If dh wanted me to do this, I wouldn't. And if you do divorce him (many people divorce because they now want different things) I wouldn't bet on you being able to move to Ireland and take the kids with you.
You think it's unreasonable of your DH not to want to work and live in one country while his dcs live in another?! You say you have a great relationship with your parents, what sort of relationship will your dcs have with their parent as an adult if as children he was someone who lived in another country and just visited them?
What you are asking him to do is unreasonable, it's just not fair to ask him to go from living with his dcs to being a part time dad. Are you really prepared to be a single mother half the week? Do you think getting to spend time with grandparents is really more important for your dcs than spending time with their dad?
Move out of London, there are lots of more rural communities that are a reasonable daily commute to London. Spend the holidays in Ireland.
Unless your DH can also move to Ireland (that includes moving his job at a similar level), what you are asking is unreasonable and you will be tearing your family apart.
I'm surprised that some people don't understand the desire to be back in your own country, I have known it happen to lots of people who have left their country to work abroad and they reach a point where they want to go back. It is very hard if you have wanted this for years and it seems that he has had his way so when is it your turn? I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I do think he needs to be willing to discuss it with you. It isn't reasonable for him to just ignore your feelings.
I think that you need to do a lot more thinking and talking. I'm Irish too and of course I see where you are coming from but on paper the life you have now is as good as it gets.
I think expecting your DH to just move and do a weekly commute to London is off the wall, really that is as fair as you having a weekday job in Ireland and then popping back to the UK at the weekends.
I also think you might have romanticised views of Ireland too. Have you done a realistic budget and do you know what life would really be like.
The stuff you say about your parents also rings alarms bells with me (sorry). Maybe I am reading too much between the lines but, as you've written it, it's not an attractive proposition to any partner.
Moving to Ireland won't fix your marriage, divorcing might, but I wouldn't expect to be able to bring your children with you to Ireland if you separate.
There is so much unresolved in your post, but I think you are seeing answers where there are none.
Is it wrong for you to want different things? No. To expect to be listened to? No. To expect that listened means "obeyed"? Yes completely.
You say you have a great life in London. Yet you expect your husband to move abroad and commute internationally every week. When you finally push him into it, you're 'furious' that he isn't jumping for joy over it. And you have to ask if you're being unreasonable?
If you think it's reasonable for him to fly to London every week, it's not unreasonable for you to fly to Ireland once a month. That's more often than many adults see their parents when they live in the same country.
Think very carefully before pushing this so hard that your husband snaps. Otherwise your 'dream' of going back to Ireland may be a reality of you going back as a lonely divorcee - which I'm guessing isn't part of the dream.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
granny people do understand the desire but sometimes life gets more complicated and it isn't possible without a lot more planning.
* It is very hard if you have wanted this for years and it seems that he has had his way so when is it your turn?*
Where does op say she moved to London just for her husband, that she didn't want to go but did for him?
They have a good settled life. Just because she wants to move back, doesn't mean he should want to or feel obliged to do so.
Where does she say 'the plan was to live in London for a while then move back home' ?
How has he had 'his turn'?
I get wanting to move home, but that's doesn't mean it's the right thing to do.
Not discounting your feelings, but on paper what youre asking seems like madness - you are asking the three members of your immediate family to walk away from a happy life. Travelling Ireland to London for work is beyond a commute. If dh refused and left his job where would that leave you - do you need him to do it to finance this? Could a conversation be had about living more rurally in the commuter belt with the possibility of your parents moving across from Ireland?
She may not have already compromised. She may have gone to London to have a great young persons life, and changed her mind when the first baby arrived? She hasn't said, but she has said she ha a great life there.
Nobody is being unreasonable here - you are of course not unreasonable for wanting to move home to be near your family, but equally your husband is not unreasonable for wanting to stay put in London where your children have good schools, he has a good job and you have a good social circle.
Your options are:
1) you cope with London living until your children leave school with regular trips back to Ireland;
2) you move to Ireland and your husband has a very long expensive commute plus has to stay some nights away from home;
3) you separate. Your husband stays in London, you move to Ireland. Depending on court access rulings, you may have to live without your children for some parts of the week. They will have their extended family and rural life that you want at the cost of seeing their father every day.
I think this is a situation where nobody wins - one of you has to compromise. The last option is quite likely the worst outcome for your children. How much are you prepared to drive everyone's lives so that you get what you want?
KateInKorea, I think some people have been harsh, saying they would put their children first as if she is taking them to some third world country rather than taking them to live somewhere nice near family. Saying he would be away several nights a week when the OP clearly said two. Saying she is unreasonable in her desire that she has been living with for 7 years and until recently he wouldn't even discuss. How do you think they can plan this if he won't even discuss it?
*It is very hard if you have wanted this for years and it seems that he has had his way so when is it your turn? I don't think there is an easy answer to this but I do think he needs to be willing to discuss it with you. It isn't reasonable for him to just ignore your feelings.
I don't think it's fair to say the dh has ignored the op it sounds like it's been talked through lots of time with vastly different opinions.
There's nothing to suggests it was the dh's idea to move to London either, or that he's had his turn.
I wish I grew up in the UK and not southern ireland. Loads of great parks and playgrounds. Great opportunities in every college course you do ( not like here where a degree in forensics means virtually no job opportunities just a taxi to the airport )
I want to live in the same country as my adult kids and emigration to get jobs is a fact of life in the 'old sod '.
I would like my kids to grow up in a country where without g oi ng to college there is job opportunities and possibility to advance wit out it . London is a stratosphere from ROI . How will you feel when your kids may have to move to the UK for work ??
Your kids are happy . You have a fantastic life . Your parents are across the water not ideal but go home more. It's a huge upheaval for your dream and affects more than you. The uk is a thriving economy.
Don't have rose tinted glasses. Who is the priority here your own little family or your family in Ireland. Are they a bit skewed ???
I have a lover hate relationship with ireland. Yes it's nice to be near extended family but at the end of the day will just you be happier in irealnd ??
The bigger picture is breaking up your family over this is just insane. Could you talk it out with someone . I find therapy so helpful to see the wood from the trees.
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