AIBU to wonder what the hell he was up to?? Very upset(42 Posts)
Woke up this morning fairly early, and must have taken my husband my surprise when I turned around because he was already awake and looking at his phone - he immediately pulled his phone to his chest and looked at me wide eyed like a rabbit in the headlights. I said said something about him looking very guilty and asked him what he was doing and he said 'it's just porn! I'm just looking at a bit of porn' so I said 'OK show me then' and he immediately sat up with his back to me and his phone in his hand said 'I can't now I've just deleted it' and chucked his phone on the bed!!!?? A huge row ensued and I got very upset. I don't really care if he looks at porn - I look at it, and we occasionally watch it together. To explain - I am in the early weeks of pregnancy and we're not having sex until 12 weeks due to a history of miscarriages. If he WAS looking at porn I am a bit hurt he chose to do it laying next to me but wouldn't be that bothered - but to be honest I don't think he was... From the glimpse I got of it, it didn't look like porn - particularly the specific site he said he was looking at, which has a black background - this was white with words and a photo I think.
The fact he immediately deleted whatever it was is what has upset me most. If it was porn why not just show me??
I'm torturing myself here with all sorts of thoughts of what it could have been. I'm so upset - we've only been married a short time and tried for this baby after previous miscarriages. I've stopped exercising (due to previous miscarriages again) when I'm usually a bit of a gym bunny and I feel absolutely rubbish about myself lately. I asked what the porn was and he said it was 'just a young blonde girl' funnily enough this did not make me feel better lol.
I'm just so upset - I really thought we were in a good place since getting married but he has lied in the past about things (strippers at the stag do) and in our early relationship he met a female friend and lied (for weeks) about it before finally admitting he'd seen her... Now I feel like I don't trust him again and I thought we were over all this
Been sobbing my heart out all morning and also worried I've done the baby some damage. Why did he have to do this to me now???? (
I would be pretty suspicious too- the deletion is weird. Trust is so difficult to rebuild 😞 But he might be trying to over protect you because of the pregnancy? So in his mind, porn is now not ok, because you aren't having sex together currently? My DH lost his libido entirely when I was pregnant, made me feel shit, but I kept thinking if it were the other way around I'd expect him to respect my feelings, so I didn't pressurise him. So he might be feeling guilty that he stills wants sex and that he shouldn't be prioritising it at the moment? And try not to worry about baby- they are pretty tough, mine endured a few emotional melt downs that I felt guilty about but he has arrived the most tranquil little thing..id take myself out to a nice cafe for a solo breakfast so you can think and get some space and then retackle the conversation later.
First off, you won't have damaged the baby by crying.
Now - without trust you have NO relationship. That is something you need to think carefully about. You don't need to be with a man who makes you feel like this when your hormones are going to be all over the place due to pregnancy.
How long have you been together? It sounds like he has form for this kind of behaviour. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life constantly second guessing?
What do you fear it could be op? Looking at a young blonde girl in porn while lying next to me would not be acceptable to me as it was. 'Just porn!' How disrespectful especially as you are pregnant and not having sex.
What could be worse?
Assume you think he is in contact with a woman?
Do you think it was some sort of dating app/webcam thing? If he's being so cagey it's obviously something more than "just porn" if he knows you have no problem with porn per se.
You won't have damaged the baby by being upset
We've been together for five years almost. He's a good man, not a player type (quiet, etc) but he's still a man! But he HAS always been very secretive and in my opinion a bit sneaky and it's caused rows in the past. To my knowledge he has never cheated on me, but he has been caught out 'fibbing' a few times (the strippers and the female friend, which was a number of years ago I add).
The porn - like I said I don't really care if he looks at porn, and as we're not having sex I wouldn't expect him to go without any relief for three months! But yeah if that is what he was doing he could have gone in the bathroom and not laid next to me doing it.
I don't know what I think he was doing... I really didn't think he would message another woman, no! But he looked so caught out, and from the glimpse I saw it didn't look like porn. So now I just don't know!!! I hate him for doing this now
What does he mean he deleted it? If it was online can't he go back to the page to show you? Very shifty.
From the brief relationship history you've given, you'll never be able to trust him sorry.
His reaction is suspicious as hell.
Why would he immediately 'delete' it (sure) and then throw the phone down in a strop, unless he was up to no good?
You wont have damaged the baby OP. It's OK
Try to put the issue of looking at porn next to you to one side for a moment because you clearly don't believe it was 'just' porn.
You have trust issues with this man. ''Almost 5 years'' isn't that long. The lies you mention will have happened within that time so not that long ago in my book. To put it in a nut shell i think you need to know what he was doing and have it out with him calmly, and importantly with a plan of what you're going to say if he wont play ball. Tell him how you feel with regards to his past and the present. Be honest. He should want to reasure you!
Ps looking at your post again - nup, wouldn't believe him.
If it was porn, and you've looked at porn together before, why the panic to erase whatever was on the screen?
Sorry, I smell bs.
if dh did this, I would roll my eyes and then go back to sleep.
But I trust dh as much as anyone can.
You clearly don't trust him, that's the issue. And I can see why.
He's a good man, not a player type (quiet, etc) but he's still a man!
Not all men see strippers and lie to their partners about meeting women. I hate this attitude that you it's impossible to trust a man. You don't trust him because he is a liar, not because he is a man.
I agree with what koala said. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that you can works things out. Good luck with your pregnancy
If you suspect he was messaging a woman say so. ''I think you were messaging another woman''. See what he says. Trust your instincts. If you think he's not being honest with you make noises about the relationship being in trouble and one of you sleeping elsewhere tonight. Let him do the work.
How would he react if he thought you were up to something? I bet he'd be straight in there with the accusations and it would be up to you to prove your innocence and you'd be falling over yourself to allay his fears.
We've been together for five years almost. He's a good man, not a player type (quiet, etc) but he's still a man!
I don't understand but he's still a man line??? Is no man capable of respect for their partner? Had he asked you how your coping without sex for 12 weeks? It is that not important or relevant? And if the best case scenario for you is that he was lying next to you in bed , watching porn and presumably masturbating, whilst both of you are taking extra safety precautions by not having sex for the first 12 weeks of your pregnancy, then God help you if it turns out a worse case scenario!
As for refusing to show what he was on, look at his phone browsing history, if you really want to know!
Disrespectful to do it next to you, and suspicious to overreact and throw the phone down like that. I would suspect he was talking to a person and not just looking at pictures too.
I think your parameters of how men behave are a bit skewed..
Anyway, have a few hours to yourself to calm down then get together and tell him you already have trust issues and he needs to be completely open with you for you to move on.
'What were you looking at on your phone, it can't have been porn you know I'm ok with that'
What if it was a present for you?
By he's still a man I meant - the wanting to look at attractive females, having sexual feelings etc. I wasn't suggesting all men can't be trusted.
And I do trust him - I don't think he would cheat on me, he's always been very vocally against (to me) people we know what have been married and cheated on their partners or had affairs with married men etc. So no I really didn't think he would have done that to me.
He is saying he panicked and knew looking at porn next to me in bed was wrong / wasn't a nice thing to do and that's why he deleted it in a rush like that. To answer whoever said he should be trying to reassure me - he is, begging me to believe him / forgive him almost in fact.
I would say five years is a fairly long time to know someone, but yes we have had our issues in that time. The strippers were organised by the best man and he had no idea it was going to happen apparently. I found out about them because I eventually got him to admit to it after suspecting they'd had strippers (I know what his friends are like).
It probably sounds like I am now defending him but I suppose I am just trying to paint a clearer image of him as a person. He has always been very secretive (he would say private) and I have asked him to be more open in the past which he has promised to do. I probably have trust issues due to a previous relationship with a compulsive liar.
Like I say he is a good person and looks after me generally very well, and has been very worried about this pregnancy going well etc. But he totally fucked it all up this morning
What a shit start to the weekend!! Thanks for all your advice anyway xx
I also think you have too low expectations of what a man should be. Not all men are led by their dicks and unable to resist temptation should it present.
It does sound like you have major trust issues which imo are not unfounded.
Are you sure this is the type of man you want to build a family with? At the very least you need to make changes so that he respects you enough not to lie to you or hide what he is doing in bed right next to you.
Cross posted with you post so maybe what I said doesn't stand but at the very least he owes you an explanation and an apology.
So sorry you're going through this, I'd be bothered by it too.
If you're that way inclined, the page will still be on his browsing history won't it? I mean, he's only deleted it off his phone, not deleted it off the internet. That is, unless he's already wiped his browsing history? In which case, you'd have a clearer picture anyway.
Hope your day gets better, and good luck with the pregnancy
If he wants to show you that he's deleted his web browsing history, with an iPhone at least, you can still look at all deleted history by going through the advanced safari settings, you can never fully delete it but the list you get is in alphabetical order and no way of knowing when each site was visited
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