About family member being called a 'part time parent'?

[HavenforHaggis]

My cousin had her DS when she was 21. She's now 22 and has went back to finish her degree which is great! Her mum and dad are very supportive and give her as much help as possible, this help includes taking DS on a Saturday afternoon until Sunday afternoon on a weekly basis so that my cousin can do training related to her degree, recharge, study, have some time with her partner. My cousin's parents are happy to do this and love having their grandchild.

The problem is she doesn't have a good relationship with her partner's mother. She doesn't trust her partner's mother to babysit DS for various reasons i.e partner's mother doesn't respect her, belittled her, has widely different views on parenting/life (believes the woman in the relationship shouldn't have a social life as a mother, that a mother should never feel frustrated with her child, that a man should not lift a hand to help, believes in spanking while cousin doesn't), she won't listen to cousin in any aspect of parenting because of her age. There's a lot more to this but I don't want to add too much detail. It's gotten to the point where partner's mother has taken to calling her a 'part time parent' because of her parents having DS. It would have been easy for my cousin to brush off but this is constant. She's posted on Facebook about my cousin and always has a go at her. It's really getting her down and I suspect she feels insecure because she is a young mother. She feels pressured now to let her partner's mother babysit DS because of all this. Who is BU here? Is she able to salvage the relationship?

[junebirthdaygirl]

Her partners mother is totally out of order. She needs to cut off all Facebook contact with her as sounds like a horrible woman. Even the most mature experienced parents are glad to have support from family with a small child. Is she with the father still? He needs to tell his mother to back off as she will destroy all hope of a relationship with the child. No way would l let that child stay with a woman who is so horrible. I am a grandma and l see how the mother must be totally respected.

[TheGruffaloMother]

Partner's mother is well out of line! Has her DP told his mother to shut her mouth? Because he needs to really. I have similar help from my parents as your cousin does and if anyone called me a part time parent, they'd leave that encounter feeling around an inch tall and very apologetic. Especially if they did it as publicly as of Facebook.

[blondieblondie]

The very last thing I'd be doing would be feeling pressured to let her babysit. Not someone I'd want influencing my kids. And shame on her partner if he's not intervening.

[PickAChew]

I'd be taking things a step further and blocking her on Facebook.

What's that, MIL, you criticising my life choices? Wow! I trust you so much more, for that!

Said no one.

[HavenforHaggis]

I think she's hoping that if she pushes enough my cousin will break. I'm hoping that she will stand up to her partner's mother as if I could have the kind of help she gets I'd jump at the chance! Her DP is very much a mummy's boy.

[TheGruffaloMother]

He can be a mummy's boy without letting his mum openly criticise and be offensive towards his partner. It's children who feel like they have to put up with everything their parents do or say, not mummy's boys.

[Nanny0gg]

Oh dear.

Again, she has a 'D'P problem not a MiL problem.

However, she does need to unfriend the MiL on all social media.

Then she needs to have a long chat with her partner before she goes NC with the MiL.

[flumpybear]

Wow!! She's building a future for herself and her family and she gets this crap!!!
She needs to stand ip for herself, but her other half needs to step up too in my opinion and tell his mum to butt out!! Cheeky butch!!!

[HavenforHaggis]

Her partner is on the fence apparently since cousin won't let MIL babysit. He knows how she treats his partner is wrong but thinks it isn't fair how his mother can't babysit. Cousin and I have chatted and she's agreed to block MIL. Progress !

[BapsOfSteel]

Is other half a part time parent?

Mil sounds like a total dick. I'd be nc entirely

[HavenforHaggis]

Rosie, From what my cousin's told me her partner's mother thinks that she shouldn't have time to herself (go out with friends, sleep in!) and that GP's have an automatic right to babysit so that says a lot about mindset. It's hard for her because she's young and juggling everything along with being judged simply because she's young. I think it has a lot to do with partner's mother judging her on her age. Though her son is allowed to go out with friends and sleep in because he works.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Partner's mother is a vicious cowbag. Partner is a spineless prick. He needs to grow the fuck up and stop sitting on that fence. And your cousin needs to learn that she doesn't have to accept his fence-sitting.

[bloodyteenagers]

I would be really, really tempted to post on the mil's next dig..

What a fantastic role model you are for younger generations. Constantly having digs about people much younger than you. Any wonder why I won't let my child be alone with you. I want people who are loving, caring and compassionate in his life. When you learn these skills then come and talk to me. Until then... So long, enjoy your life, as we will without having to listen to your nonsense.

[bloodyteenagers]

And the wimp of a partner. He needs to be told to stop being such a spineless twat and stick up for the mother of his child.. How the fuck would he feel if the cousins parents starting treating him the exact same way? He would be constantly bitching to the cousin to sort it out probably or running back to mummy every twenty seconds.

[HavenforHaggis]

Rosie, I know how capable and wonderful she is. She is more like a sister than cousin to me so Please don't think for one second that when I refer to her age I'm undermining her. I'm posting on her behalf not because I don't think she can but because she's asked me to(currently beside me watching responses). My point for saying how young she is is because that is how MIL sees her. A child having a child as it were. Or so MIL thinks. I've had DS on numerous occasions but I can't talk about it infront of her partner incase he runs back to his mother.

Bloody, I know how much it hurts her that he's on the fence about almost everything in this situation. She doesn't feel like she can force him to pick between his mother and herself.

She says that her only reason for salvaging the relationship with MIL is DS and DP. That she won't break up a family and be the blame.

[HavenforHaggis]

Sorry for the lax replies! Especially to you, Rosie. You've been so brilliant and your advice was defiantly needed. We've had a bit of a talk and came to a few conclusions.

1# Her DP does still very much think of himself as a DS and not DF. He still expects to be picked up after, still a bit of a slob in terms of house hold work and lax in his responsibilities. This is something she feels needs to change.

2# He doesn't like conflict, especially with his family. And only reacts to them when pushed.

3# She has spoken to DP before about positives and negatives in his son's life. But he doesn't believe that his mother would be capable of such things. There's always a reason.

We feel that MIL could change but that DP also must. It has been bothering DCousin to the point where she feels like a child stamping her feet when asking him to do dishes and constantly reminding him isn't working. The same can be said with situations with MIL.

[PoppyFleur]

OP - if your cousin was a member of my family I would be incredibly proud of her for finishing her degree. What a fantastic example she is setting for her child by showing that with hard work and determination anything can be achieved.

Sadly, your cousin's DP has been raised to believe that men should be looked after (waited on) by the women in their lives. Reversing this viewpoint will not be easy, I would suggest some open discussions about how they see their relationship working going forward. For example, is your cousin planning to work post degree? Currently, what is the division of childcare and domestic chores between them and how will this work going forward?

Good luck to your cousin.

[HavenforHaggis]

Poppy, I'm incredibly proud of her! And she hates me saying this but she does the lion's share. Her DP works full time but She works part time and does her degree. She drops their DS at nursery when she works then picks him up and is 99.9 percent responsible for his care and then has training on Saturdays where her parents take him.