to feel annoyed with 14yo DD- I feel like a I'm running a B&B/ cashpoint

[NoonarAgain]

DD is 14 and moving schools, as a result I realise that she is going over board to cement friendships with local people she knows at both her old and new schools. I totally get that she doesn't want to do loads of family stuff, but this week, i have been in the same room as her for about half an hour a day, tops. She has been out with friends and at sleepovers (2) since Sunday.

I have eaten a meal with her once and cooked for her friends twice. The last 48 hours i haven't seen her at all without a friend being present, beyond 15 minutes over breakfast as she is arranging early starts with her friends.

I have given her £40 in lunch money and fares and provided food for her friends.

then yesterday i i told her about a meal i had planned and asked her friend if it was something that she would eat. I suggested that i then drive them (20 mins each way) to the friend's house where dd was sleeping over. dd just glanced up from her phone and said "fine" then returned to her texting! i just saw a red mist and apologised to the friend but said to dd " i'm sorry dd, but I'm going to have to pull you up on your manners, you need to say thank you and make eye contact when i'm talking to you". dd was obv cross and it was awkward in from of friend, but i cannot bear rudeness just because a friend is present!

then as they were leaving the house, dd said that she planned to go to the beach the next day with the friend. i said that if she was doing that then she needed to take some of her savings to fund any expenses e.g. lunch out as i had given her enough already. she was annoyed about this.

she also was annoyed that i said she would need to take her key as potentially she might have to get a bus back. now, we do have shocking public transport where we are and i would happily pre arrange a pick up but didn't want to be relied upon for a lift at any time of day, without a prior arrangement.

I just feel like dd's attitude has tipped into the taking us for granted/ slightly entitled /presumptious. this is unlike her but she has just totally tuned out of family life this week.

AIBU to have reacted as i did/ feel as i do? i honestly don't mind her being so busy, but she needs to engage with us politely and properly when she is around, not just grunt at us as she is so exhausted from her social life!

[Summerblaze100]

It's hard. My DD has just moved schools (she's 12) back to her old friends from primary. She is also going overboard on the inviting them to places/sleep. Sometimes she's a little showy off and I do pull her up over it although after the friend has left.

I don't want to jeopardise her friendships at this crucial time.

[NoonarAgain]

summer, the thing is, i haven't had any time without a friend in the house! it was sooo rude of her, if i had i let it pass i would've felt like a complete doormat.

[SteviebunsBottrittrundle]

I don't think Yabu OP. I don't think it's helpful to become a doormat. She's still quite young and maybe still working out boundaries to a point. Rudeness and ungratefulness are not attractive qualities in anyone. It sounds like she was being a little rude and ungrateful and I don't think from what you've described in your OP that you overreacted or belittled her or anything so I think something needed to be said, possible in private rather than in front of her friend though.

That said I don't think it's unusual for a 14yo to spend a lot of the holidays with friends though, so that's a little harder. I think my parents used to have a rule about Sunday lunch. Maybe you could have a meal a week that's strictly for family only?

[NoonarAgain]

Stevie, i really am honestly happy for her to spend the time with friends. it's just the deteriorating attitude that has upset me.

i would have preferred to talk to her without her friend present but i knew i wouldn't see dd for the next 24 hours. and tbh, dd embarrassed me as she showed me a real lack of respect. should i have called her out of the room, maybe? would that have been any better? it would still have been obvious why.

[SteviebunsBottrittrundle]

I guess you could have asked to speak to her in private but that probably would have been no less embarrassing for her, possibly worse so I completely understand why you spoke to her in front of her friend. I just meant that in an ideal world maybe in private, but as I said I really don't think YABU. She was rude and you pulled her up on it, exactly as you should have done. I also think yanbu re spending money. I think it's easy when you're a teenager to forget that your parents' money isn't limitless. My little sister was awful for using our parents' money despite having tonnes of savings. She's not grown out of it yet and she's a grown woman!

[NapQueen]

Agree with above. At 14 her priorities are probably time with friends.

Weekly fund. When it's gone it's gone.
If lifts then at an agreed time and place. Anything outside of this is sorted by her.
One dinner a week just the two of you. One lunch a week just the two of you. One breakfast a week just the two of you.

[NoonarAgain]

Euphemia, i agree with everything you have said. this is new territory as we haven't had a long school holiday since she has been at this 'stage'.

i totally agree with the principle but what should i have done when she was so rude in front of her friend, given that she was going away tip the following evening...just back out of the room meekly like a total doormat? (Genuine question!)

[NapQueen]

Maybe just a "errr are you forgetting something?"

Tbh at 14 she probably thinks that you offered she didn't ask. As an adult yes I accept that the offer should be thanked but she's a hormonal teen.

[NoonarAgain]

thanks stevie.

nap, very good advice and i will be doing that from now on!

shall i say to dd when she get home " I'm really sorry that i embarrass you in front of X but actually, you embarrassed me too. please talk to me with the same respect in front of your friends as you would like me to show you. that way, you can have friends round often as it won't be uncomfortable for me"
how does that sound?

[NoonarAgain]

nap, the offer was only made though to fit in with their/ the mother's wishes as it was clear they needed transport and clear they needed to be fed first.

you're right,that would've been a lighter way to deal with it. its just that i got the red mist!

[Mooingcow]

I think it goes with the territory really.

At 14, your friends are your world and the days of wanting to have time alone with your mum an embarrassing distant memory (sadly, not for us).

I always tried to remember that it was a wonderful thing that they had the talent to make and maintain friendships and how awful it would be if they had none and were forced to just stay in all alone.

The mechanics (food, transport, money) are pretty irrelevant to most 14-year olds.

I remember mine apologising but being a little mystified when they were reminded about them.

They're ancient now and delightful, thoughtful, generous people. It does pass.

[ArmfulOfRoses]

Just me that wouldn't apologise for pulling up a rude teen then?

[Rockmegently]

Yes nip this in the bud, she might by sulky but she will think about how she talks to you next time

[happypoobum]

YANBU. I wouldn't worry about telling her off in front of the friend either - she will think twice about doing it again!

It is "normal" for them to spend lots of time with friends at this age. I had one DC who did exactly the same and it was very annoying not knowing when they would be back/what meals they would be home for/who was sleeping over etc etc. I also had the flip side of a teen DC who did not see any friends during the holidays and sat around moping miserable, lonely and bored. I am sure you can see where I am going with this.............

Embrace the fact she is getting out there and having fun, but yes, strict finances agreed, she takes a key every time she goes out so you are not beholden to any changes of arrangements she makes, and lifts only when it absolutely suits you.

DD was like this for about six years

[SteviebunsBottrittrundle]

No armful, I'm with you really! I don't honestly think an apology is necessary from what you described OP, but as I wasn't there I don't really know. If you feel bad about it and feel it's necessary, then what you've written sounds fine.

[scaryteacher]

I wouldn't apologise for pulling up a rude teen; it goes with the job of being a parent. Ds is now 20, and I still tell him off if I think he's being rude.

[gamerchick]

Welcome to the teens. How hard they are depends on how many battles you want to fight tbh.

Why are you giving her so much money? Half what you give her and make her earn the rest, just because she's out doesn't mean he opts out of helping run the house.

You were right to pull her up on rudeness, don't apologise to her man the mates thing is standard and will be more or less like that for a few more years yet.

[NoonarAgain]

thanks everyone, good to have a general consensus on the main points.

happy, funnily enough, my just turned 12yo dd2 is more in the other category and im hoping things will improve as she gets older, and she too is changing schools. however, she's certainly not the social butterfly that dd1 seems to be. it's strange how different they are, and I do sometimes worry for dd2 but that another thread...

[Mooingcow]

I would apologise for embarrassing her, yes. I found that whenever I said sorry, so did the children and it led to a more constructive debate than a one-sided bollocking.

for you OP, it's a bloody minefield!

[Heidibb]

Sounds like she's just being a normal 14 year old

[NoonarAgain]

Gamer, the money was for 4-5 days lunch and travel. she would normally have £10 pocket money in the hols, but that was before she got so 'independent'!

I sometimes struggle with the chore thing as I don't think she should be paid for doing household tasks. but she is doing v little to help. I think maybe I need to separate the two. ie these are your holiday chores, and this is your holiday allowance. but that is not the same as being paid to do chores, iyswim.

she hasn't been around the house enough to do chores, but she did tidy her room thoroughly before leaving yesterday morning (on my request).

[ChipsandGuac]

We have a strict "everyone has to be at Sunday dinner and no, your friends can't come" policy that seems to work. With 4 kids, the rest of the week is so busy with them all going off here, there and everywhere and our home is often filled with random teens. Sunday evenings are my favourite part of the week!

[happypoobum]

Noonar Don't worry, my DD who was/is very self contained is still someone (19 now) who has 1 very good friend and a couple of peripheral mates she goes out with sometimes.

I realised I was unconsciously comparing her to her very gregarious sibling, who regularly has ten mates calling round for them and is socially adept and naturally charming. I also realised it was me who was the problem. She was actually perfectly happy pottering around at home, doing family stuff, reading etc. It was me going on about it that made her feel bad and made her feel inadequate

Now I see her as an incredibly self sufficient and resilient young woman who is off to uni soon, and you know what, I don't have one single worry about her. She will be absolutely fine because she doesn't need other people in the way I do some people do. She will make a friend or two and that will be fine for her. Her sibling will always be very popular, but also quite dependent emotionally on that IYSWIM?