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Am I crazy !

(77 Posts)
Herobump Fri 05-Aug-16 11:48:18

I'm going through some weird stuff & I could only ask here for some help and opinions.

DH & I know each other for 6 years, married for 3,& now expecting DC in mar '17.

Off late, he is often very sulky and depressed during late evenings and early mornings. When I pressed on what the matter was, he explained that he feels his youth is being wasted and he's not doing enough to get the best out of life.
To give you a bit of a context, we have travelled extensively as a couple, DH & I both have successful careers, and are away from our families geographically, have a good and enjoyable dance in the bed, plus we were into all sorts of activities... Hiking, meeting people, etc. We have quite similar in our tastes and thoughts, and like to have a simple life with enriching experiences.

So for the first few weeks, I ignored it hoping and thinking it to be a passing phase. This depression and moaning would started and was on and off till about two months ago.

We just got back from two weeks of vacationing overseas, & it was pretty much hell for me for most parts, with day long morning sickness and exaggerated jet lag. But throughout the trip, DH kept whining about being depressed & sulked. Once home, when I confronted and finally got to the bottom of the matter, turns out he feels he has missed out on having sex with other women in his 20s as back then he was thoroughly focused into career/work. Plus he was a shy boy. Then we met, got married, and other than one girl he dated before he hasn't been with anyone else ...other than me.

To be fair & honest, he hasn't cheated on me, and he is very openly discussing the prospects of a short-term one-sided open marriage for the lack of a better term. He has a very charming personality and easily win people over with his smile. He's not at all a Casanova, but genuinely a very nice & caring person.

I have absolutely no interest in being with any other man romantically or sexually. And I have made it very clear to him that he would have to choose either that lifestyle or a life with me. & to that he kept saying that only I am his one true love etc... And the other bits would be just be a short 'experience' for him.

But am I being crazy or controlling ? I feel horrible to see him lose his easy smile around the house, & tbh I don't want to be with someone who is unhappy coz he can't stick it into someone else. Am I being stupid in hoping this to be a passing phase ? I can't really talk about this with any family or friends...

Sorry for the long post, pregnancy hormones aren't helping in reigning in my emotions.

SuperBoppy Fri 05-Aug-16 11:52:58

YANBU What a pathetic excuse of a man - poor him, what a deprived life. He's got so much to be thankful for and he's behaving like a spoiled brat. I can't believe he's being like this around you, especially when pregnant. Congrats by the way, you would have though the imminent arrival of a child might wake him up. He needs a good kick up the backside in my opinion. I'm totally outraged on your behalf.

Keely93 Fri 05-Aug-16 11:55:47

YANBU... At all! He sounds a bit pathetic if I'm honest! Congratulations by the way!

Whataboutwhathuh Fri 05-Aug-16 11:57:51

He's not reacting well to the impending change to his life, is he? Poor boy, he really has missed out. Having a wonderful life with you, lots of experiences and lucky enough to have a child on the way.

It is a big thing having a child, it does make you question a lot. I'd stamp out any ideas of an open marriage pretty quick and check he hasn't started investigated how he'd go about things. Maybe try relate or someone so he can talk through how he is feeling with someone impartial?

HunterHearstHelmsley Fri 05-Aug-16 11:57:55

YANBU but I don't think he's pathetic. I think he needs to see a doctor.

Herobump Fri 05-Aug-16 11:58:17

Thank you. I am excited for the bump and baby, & he is too. Which makes it even more confusing for me. You are right in saying he's behaving like a spoilt child.
I just want to get over this & hope it's nothing more than a 'phase'. I did give him a kick on his backside quite literally, when my rage turned me into a Godzilla...--& it felt good-- . But I really don't want to go there again, don't want my baby to be born all angry and fiesty.

MasterOfTheDIYBookcase Fri 05-Aug-16 12:01:19

So he wants the loving and supportive marriage that he has with you and to be able to sleep around? And you are worried that you saying no was unreasonable? hmm

hazeimcgee Fri 05-Aug-16 12:02:47

YANBU. Open marriages surely only work if you're both into them not if you feel guilty cos he couldn't get many girls into bed before you!

Agree with suggestions around relate etc. Things are unlikely to get better in the bedroom for you guys ince DC gets here.

It could just be the thought of inpedning fatherhood and grown up life, it could be more general depression.

If you are still having an active sex life, is there any scope for maybe some roleplay which you're both comfortable with if there's any specific type of woman he thinks he's missed out on?

SuperBoppy Fri 05-Aug-16 12:03:33

Nothing wrong with a feisty baby! ;)

Agree with PP, you need to knock any discussion of open marriage on the head right now. He is concerned about how his life will change, it's a major thing in anyone's life, but we all have to grow up some time - he's going to be a Dad.

Good luck with everything!! flowers

davos Fri 05-Aug-16 12:06:06

In all honesty I have several 'oh shit' moments. After I got married and when I got pregnant. Similar things.

I reminded myself why I got married and why I wanted kids. Chilled out and picked myself up.

What I didn't do is suggest I be allowed to shag other people while dh sat at home being all happy for me.

Because that would make me a twat

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Fri 05-Aug-16 12:09:10

But am I being crazy or controlling ? I feel horrible to see him lose his easy smile around the house

He'd be losing more than his smile if I was carrying our baby and he came out with this suggestion. Don't know about charming he has buckets of poor sense of timing and selfishness.

MidnightVelvettheSixth Fri 05-Aug-16 12:11:19

If you are due in Match 17, congratulations smile then it can't have been that long surely since you discovered the pregnancy, the timing seems a bit co-incidental to me. As if he's having some kind of crisis or psychological reaction to being a father. Added to that all the comments that men tend to make to other men in this position along the lines of 'your life's over now' & about not being young & free to do this or that etc it sounds to me as though he's trying to do 2 things at once - keep the relationship going with you as he wants to stay with you and be a father, but also a last ditch desperate knee jerk to do the things that young free men (in his perception) do before they become fathers.

I agree with the PP that perhaps a doctors visit would be helpful.

Choceeclair123 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:12:34

I'm with Donkeys on this one. If that was my husband he'd be straight out the window and I wouldn't bother stopping to open it. Cheeky fucker

LapinR0se Fri 05-Aug-16 12:16:14

You kicked your husband? That is really not good.

He is being an absolute tosspot.

MidnightVelvettheSixth Fri 05-Aug-16 12:16:22

But I really don't want to go there again, don't want my baby to be born all angry and fiesty.

Crikey that's some woman blaming shit right there, why on earth would a baby's temperament be affected by the mother's emotional mood during pregnancy?! Its not as though an unhappy baby is caused by emotions passing through the placenta any more than a surly 12 year old can be blamed on the mother for not being happy enough during pregnancy. Although I'm sure its been blamed on women before!

Rest assured OP that no matter how angry you get, it will not have an effect on your baby's emotional development in the uterus.

Amelie10 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:16:25

I'm actually surprised you are indulging this ridiculousness. What a shame as soon as you're pregnant he starts feeling this way. Your reaction and questioning whether you are the UR one, shows he's already working on you.

Slowtrain2dawn Fri 05-Aug-16 12:17:17

He wants to have his cake and eat it. I would be reconsidering my future with him. I would tell him this. Make it very clear you need to rethink whether he is the one for you, given his recent revelations.
I don't mean that you should play games, but he needs to realise marriage and fatherhood isn't a pic n mix.
Sorry for all confectionary based metaphors, but he is acting like a child so maybe fitting!

potoftea Fri 05-Aug-16 12:21:42

Oddly I think the issue here is that he has had such a good life that this is his only regret.
Most of us have regrets about the stuff we didn't do when we were young and free, but we can usually comfort ourselves that we'll do it at a later stage...we'll travel when we retire or the kids are grown up, we'll go to college as a mature student, we'll buy the sports car/interesting house when our family is older. And that's a comfort even though we'll probably not do the thing, we know we could. But sleeping with more people is different, he knows he'll never be free to do it because he wants to be with you forever, so is trapped but by love for you. (Yes I am aware how soppy that sounds, sorry.)
I would either wait it out or encourage him to go talk to a counselor.

Valentine2 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:26:21

WTAF! I wanted a break from mumsnet commenting but your post has made me angry enough to write on here.
Who does that? Just as you two start the baby making time of a relationship, for which people invest years together by the way without success sometimes, he is thinking of having a dick dip on the side and not having it will make him depressed? What the fuck. Tell him to sort himself out. He wants to do this before the first baby. Once baby starts teething, he will start asking for escorts to relax him? By the second baby? What an arsehole.

Herobump Fri 05-Aug-16 12:27:15

Thanks guys for the support and suggestions. I will try to get him to have an open conversation about this either with a friend or with a doctor...

You guys might be right in pointing out the timing & the baby responsibility issue... And it might be the case deep in his mind, because on top he seems genuinely interested and keeps planning how he's going to spend time with our baby, play and take care of him etc... then Suddenly a switch will go off, & he will go to a very dark place and start his nonsense chatter.

My worry is if he simply bottles his 'needs' (his words, not mine) and simply thinks he's doing this massive sacrifice for me, sooner or later he might give in. It might be one drunken night or it might be some chick who finds him irresistible...Idk. I know it's not helpful to speculate, & so I think my best bet would be to get some counselling and conversations Now.

That and some serious arse-kicking as I def don't deserve this from the man who says he loves me.

BalloonSlayer Fri 05-Aug-16 12:29:14

Jeez what a revolting man.

Waits till his wife is pregnant then sulks and says he wants to shag around.

Did you point out that you are supposed to think all about what it means to never sleep with anyone else BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED? Because, you know, that's the whole point of marriage . . . ?

In this instance I think I'd want to say "Yes you can sleep with someone else. There's the door - walk through it, find yourself someone, good luck, you'll be hearing from my solicitor, you'll be paying for this baby and the house for the next 18 years, as soon as I can I will find a new husband to be faithful to me and your child will probably end up calling him Daddy. Cheerio!"l

Herobump Fri 05-Aug-16 12:31:00

I heartily agree with potoftea ! Too much of a good thing is bad, & once we have ticked of our checklists the mind starts wandering and doesn't want to be content with all the happiness/achievements gathered. Such a shame to not be grateful for what we already have, and enjoy that rather than run after something which can ruin everything else.

Now if only I could make him see this point easily. Sigh!

butterfliesandzebras Fri 05-Aug-16 12:31:55

I'm hoping for your sake he's just having a pre-baby panic that's temporarily making him act like a prat.

He wishes he had experienced more women before meeting you, and has concocted a nice fantasy that it's going to be possible for him to go do this and come back to family life with you.

You need to make it clear that the reality is going to be nothing like that. If he sticks his cock in anyone else he loses everything, you won't be there, not as a sexual partner, not as a friend or person he can talk to, and you certainly won't be raising your child together.

LumpySpacedPrincess Fri 05-Aug-16 12:32:02

Tell him if he wants other women he can have them, show him the door. Seriously, what a selfish, sulky man, pathetic. There you are carrying his child and he is sulking because he can't fuck other women. Bloody hell.

PeppermintPasty Fri 05-Aug-16 12:32:45

Of course you're not crazy or unreasonable. He is a manchild, that's your problem here.

Plenty of people have wobbles going through massive life changes. My ex was one of them, a total dick who was a bit like this, failed to put his family first. Ergo he's my ex.

You can't control this, you can only decide how to react. Your boundaries are just that-yours. Don't shift them, you are not in the wrong. I'm afraid he sounds entitled and immature. I hope he doesn't hurt you, but I think he will.

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