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to expect teen DD to come out with us occasionally?

(71 Posts)
Tinklewinkle Fri 05-Aug-16 11:21:21

DH and I couldn't get much time off work together this summer so a family holiday was out of the question, so we're having lots of family days out instead.

DD1(14) never wants to do anything with us.

We've got plans for local days out, and a few big days out (Thorpe Park, London). I've asked both kids for ideas and suggestions as to what they want to do

She sees her friends a couple of times a week which is fine, but today for example, she has no plans, she wants some make up bits, DD2 needs some bits so I suggested lunch out and a mooch round the shops.

DD2 (11) is up for it, but DD1 doesn't want to, but can I get her make up for her.

We were all going on an adventure day tomorrow - mountain boarding, paddle boarding, that sort of thing, but despite initially being enthusiastic she's now refusing to come.

She's fine at home, but I just feel mean leaving her alone.

We have a budget to spend on activities this summer and I want to spend it fairly across the board and spend some time together, so I'm tying myself up in knots trying to find stuff she wants to do, but getting shot down with a flat out "no" every time.

Is it really that unreasonable to expect her to make a bit of an effort?

Lunch and a bit of shopping may not be the most exciting activity in the world, but it won't kill her

Pearlman Fri 05-Aug-16 11:37:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StarryIllusion Fri 05-Aug-16 11:44:59

I wouldn't make her come but I wouldn't buy her make up for her either. Tomorrow's activity would be non negotiable. She said she wanted to go, she committed to it, she's going.

Snowberry86 Fri 05-Aug-16 11:54:06

What reason is and giving for wanting to stay at home?

If she is still seeing friends I wouldn't worry too much but if she stops doing that too I would maybe chat to your GP as not wanting to leave the house could be a sign of a mental health issue.

She might just be being a normal teenager and wanting to spend the day in bed on her phone to friends/boyfriend.

Willow2016 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:02:18

My ds (14) is like this. He would never leave the house if it was up to him!

Some things I will let go and he stays at home, others are non negotiable and he has to come. Like visiting our nearest realative, he can stay home maybe 2 times then he has to come next time.

Thing is once we are out doing something he is fine and enjoys himself but the fuss before hand...dear god give me strength! He could argue for britain!

Oh and yes if she doesnt go no make up, you arent her skivvy. Thats what I tell my ds, if he wants something special then he has to come get it. (Other times I will maybe buy him stuff anyway like his dc/marvel comics just cos I want to treat him.)

And as the family day is booked and she agreed then she goes, end of.

NeedACleverNN Fri 05-Aug-16 12:04:36

Agree with others

If she doesn't want to go to town fine. But you don't buy her the makeup. She has to come with you that

Tomorrow is non negotiable. You had agreed and planned it

Tinklewinkle Fri 05-Aug-16 12:09:00

She's just in her room, on her phone.

She does go out with her friends, and when we can convince her to come out with is, she's fine being out and about

I just feel mean leaving her behind all the time. I know it's entirely her look out, but I feel bad for her.

I don't insist she comes, and there's no point in insisting she comes tomorrow. She'll have a tummy ache (or feel sick), refuse to take part, moan a lot and despite trying to ignore it and jolly it all along, it spoils a day out - it's frustrating, and embarrassing.

I've told her that if she wants her make up today, DD2 and I are leaving in 30 and she needs to come with us. She's begrudgingly getting ready, but she'll just bite everyone's head off and just generally act like a dick

Tinklewinkle Fri 05-Aug-16 12:12:35

I'm just a bit disappointed I guess.

We saved up some money so we could treat them as we weren't going on holiday, and thought we could all have some fun.

I know she wants to see her own mates so I'm not making loads of demands on her time, but it would have been nice to spend some time together

Ragwort Fri 05-Aug-16 12:13:43

Don't feel mean about leaving her at home, she has asked to stay at home so clearly that's what she wants to do.

I can remember loathing having to go on family days/holidays out with my parents and younger siblings when I was that age ............ in fact I don't think I ever did. Now I am nearly 60 & my parents are in their 80s and we enjoy each other's company grin.

I also have a teenage son and I understand that he doesn't want to be seen in public with his parents - we've joined the same gym but he is adamant that we don't go at the same time.

I think it's just part of growing up - and I don't feel at all guilty about leaving him at home, but I certainly wouldn't be buying him any treats.

hazeimcgee Fri 05-Aug-16 12:17:23

Have you asked her why she desn't want to come out? Why she wants to stay in all day?

Could you suggest something for the two of you?

Babyzoo Fri 05-Aug-16 12:18:18

I don't have teens yet but I think I'd make her go and perhaps she would enjoy it once she's out.

You sound like a lovely mum by the way, when I was a teen I craved a mum that would go shopping for make up and clothes and take me for lunch, my mum could never be bothered.

Zucker Fri 05-Aug-16 12:21:33

Then why insist she come at all today if she's going to be a cow about it. Fine if she doesn't want to go, you go have fun and report back on the great day. Please don't do the bribery thing, no one wins in that situation. She'll change back at about 18 if that's any help grin

Tinklewinkle Fri 05-Aug-16 12:21:44


I've suggested so many things, as a family and just me and her that I now sound like I'm begging.

She just doesn't want to go out, nothing sinister I don't think

Tinklewinkle Fri 05-Aug-16 12:25:16

With the make up, she really does need to come with me.

She's a bit spotty and wants something with a bit more coverage so she really needs to be with me - I'm happy to buy her something a bit more expensive, but she needs to be there to make sure it's the right colour, etc.

rollonthesummer Fri 05-Aug-16 12:29:28

I would make it crystal clear that if she is a pain this afternoon and is rude or unpleasant to anyone, she doesn't get anything bought for her or it gets taken away if she's rude after it's been paid for!

I totally understand wanting to be with your mates, but there is no excuse for being rude.

I do really sympathise though-I have one teen who would be very much like that given half a chance!!

Tinklewinkle Fri 05-Aug-16 12:32:59

Well, she's ready, and is being pleasant.

Wish me luck grin

Zucker Fri 05-Aug-16 12:35:02

Re the makeup, if she wants the makeup she gets off her backside to go get it. Sorry I thought this was a day out planned not a shopping trip.

As previous poster said if she carrys on with the bad attitude - no makeup, hard luck! Yes I do have a teenager and yes they are difficult. wine

BigSandyBalls2015 Fri 05-Aug-16 12:46:25

One of my 15 year olds is like this. She'll come out with me occasionally if we're miles away from home and there is no chance of bumping into anyone she knows.

If I didn't have another 15 year old DD who loves coming out with me I'd think I was really embarrassing to be seen with grin.

I'm gradually accepting that she is just more of a 'home bird' and is happy being left to her own devices.

Memoires Fri 05-Aug-16 12:48:17

Yay! Have a good time with your 2 dds, glad she's decided to come. Bear in mind she's 14 and is therefore in training to become Extremely Unreasonable Teen, it's her duty to stretch your patience......

VenusOfWillendorf Fri 05-Aug-16 14:33:22

When my brother was 13, my parents came to visit me for a week and they obviously brought him along (they came from Ireland; I'm in Switzerland). He NEVER wanted to leave the appartment, his only interest was watching DVDs on the sofa. Said he'd no interest in looking at mountains, cable-cars, boat trips etc. So I suggested everyone had a day where they choose what everyone did. I was a bit worried he'd have us all watching Blackadder DVDs, but he did a bit of research and came up with visiting a theme park. It was actually good fun.
Maybe she'd be more engaged if the suggestion came from her? Ask her to plan one of the family days herself?

Tinklewinkle Fri 05-Aug-16 15:49:32

Well, we made it round town, had lunch, did some shopping and made it home all in one piece.

Has gone straight back upstairs to her room, but we did have a nice couple of hours.

I have asked her to plan stuff, what she wants to do, give me ideas, etc, but it's like getting blood out of a stone.

HeddaGarbled Fri 05-Aug-16 15:54:22

I think it's probably not wanting to be seen in public by anyone from school out with her with mum and younger sibling.

MrsJayy Fri 05-Aug-16 16:05:25

Dd1 was like this she was a pain in the arse she once ducked into superdrug because some kids from school were walking towards us she then waited till i was ahead and then she spoke to them she was like this till she was 16/17 we used to leave her at home but usually big days out like a theme park she would come. Dont feel guilty about it suggest she comes 1 or 2 places but dont beg her, ime 14yrolds are just odd

alibongo5 Fri 05-Aug-16 16:09:01

I didn't go out much with any of my kids when they were that sort of age. I don't think there's any point forcing them - all you can do is offer, and you're doing that in bucket-loads! My eldest son once walked straight passed me without acknowledging me outside his school! My middle son was the one I did least with - now he's 23, we've just come back from Disneyland Paris, we're going on holiday together in October and we regularly go out for drinks and meals with him and his girlfriend.

It's just that at 14 they don't really want to admit they have parents! Don't you realise how embarrassing you are?!! Your daughter will get through it!

Tinklewinkle Fri 05-Aug-16 16:13:38

ime 14yrolds are just odd


She completely refuses to come into McDonald's with us in case she bumps into anyone she knows. Her friends all know me, they sleep over in our house. We get her a takeaway to take home with us, they must wonder wtf she doesn't just come with us

We had a parents evening at school a few months ago and as it was for her GCSE options we made her come with us. Oh my god, she acted like an utter tool, it was embarrassing. I was embarrassing her by just being there apparently hmm

She's posting photos of her spoils on Instagram so I must have got something right <polishes medal>

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