My dad died this evening. He has been ill and in hospital for a while but took a rapid downturn in Tuesday, that afternoon we were given test results confirming he was terminal.
Dad has two siblings he doesn't get on with (plus another who is wonderful, and two who have passed away already). Relations with his brother A are ok if strained and infrequent but sister B has not spoken to him for about 4 years, after she and her daughter said some truly horrid things about Dad and Mum (mum died 2 years ago).
I called A yesterday to tell him the diagnosis and give him the chance to visit. I did not call B, I have no contact info as we are NC and assumed A would tell her.
Dad went very downhill overnight and the hospital called my sister and I in this morning, we have been there all day. Dad was very agitated and distressed and experiencing confusion, DS and I and our partners had to take turns with him as even all of us together was too much.
A&B turned up at lunchtime and Dad was very bad, we asked them not to go in as it would upset him. A became very belligerent, shouting at DS and accusing us of blocking them out of spite. Dads nurse came out and confirmed dad was not fit for visitors. We explained he had been written up for midozalam to reduce agitation and once administered he might be calmer and we would contact them if he was ok for visitors then.
He did settle and we contacted A and told him Dad could tolerate visitors. Several hours passed and sadly Dad couldn't hang on and passed away. They arrived at the hospital about 40 minutes after his death.
DS and I were in the room with Dads remains. Her DH was in the corridor, intercepted them and broke the news. A said he did not want to see Dads remains. B however came charging onto the ward with A's wife, burst into the room without knocking and proceeded to throw herself at DS to hug and kiss her -DS was on the phone informing family. She then came at me, I put my hand up and firmly said 'NO' as I did not want to be touched, stood up and walked her backwards out of the room.
Apparently B then returned to the corridor where she told A that I had 'pushed her' and was making quite a scene, DS's husband then asked them to leave.
This isn't normal, is it? You don't barge into rooms containing a dead man and his grieving children? You don't force affection on them when you haven't spoken to them for 4 years after quite vile behaviour to their very recently deceased dad? I'm not being precious by saying this is disgusting?
I am now steeling myself for more drama - these people are narcissistic and self absorbed and love playing the victim. I wish there was a way of keeping them from his funeral but I don't think I legally can.
How am I related to people who think this is an ok way to behave??
AIBU?
To think normal humans don't behave like this?
Welshmaenad · 05/08/2016 00:36
Sorry, has/had, doesn't/didn't....not really used to referring to him in the past tense yet 
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss!! 
This does not seem like "normal" behaviour. Out of respect for yourself and your family, they should of knocked and also been quieter.
You didn't push them. They invaided your personal space. You didn't want to be close to that person and they tried to get close to you. You did the right thing in moving that person away.
I hope they calm down and make things a bit easier for you. I can't imagine what you have been through and are going through now. XXXX
Oh god.
I'm so so sorry for your loss.
And no, they generally don't. Although people can be utter arseholes.
Normal behaviour is hard to define around death. I wouldn't judge them if they were normally lovely.
If they're normally awful then there's no big surprise
for your loss and dealing with the horror rellies :(
So sorry for your loss. Sincere condolences
Of course YANBU, what shockingly selfish behaviour at such a terrible time for you.
For some people, sadly, it is quite "normal" to be "narcissistic and self absorbed and love playing the victim". B in particular sounds vile; ignorant, emotionally obtuse and melodramatic.
Don't try to stop them coming to the funeral because if they have those character traits, it would give them ammunition against you. You will want to save your emotional energy for the important things - these people are far from that.
Try to rise above it and ignore them, now and forever more.
I'm so sorry for your loss
I think death brings out the best in some people and the worst in others. I wouldn't say that what your father's sibling did was 'normal' per se, but it may well have been 'normal' for her. That's not to say that it wasn't inexcusable, it certainly was.
Legally you can keep them away from the funeral. I've been to a funeral where a particular person was intercepted and escorted to their car. But you'd have to consider the consequences and decide whether it would be worth it. You may want to have someone 'keep an eye' on her if she does come with an eye to intervening if she starts getting out of line.
It's just shit to have to even think of something like this at this time. I'm so sorry.
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Sorry for your loss
No it's not normal. Dying and death in the family bring out both surprisingly good and bad traits in people. My dps dad died last month and I was surprised at how his coping mechanism was to not visit him in hospital, block all the what's app chats about caring for his dying dad and then finally go to see him, luckily a day before he died.
Firstly, sorry for your loss, losing a parent is hard
After my DM died, her brother, who hadn't spoken to her for years,only contacted me to ask if she had left any money. On being told she hadn't had a penny to her name, he left, and we haven't heard from him since.
Death brings out the worst in some people, just take care of yourself and your sister, try not to worry about people who don't care about you.
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So sorry for your loss OP
Do you think it might have been her clumsy way of trying to reach out to you, in the emotion of the moment, a kind of "come here, let's put the past behind us" type gesture?
I am so, so sorry for your loss. This all sounds incredibly stressful and traumatic at what must be the hardest time for you and your own family.
People do behave in really quite extreme ways around death and mourning. Grief will make people do really mad things. But that does not excuse behaviour that is hurtful, bullying and self-absorbed, particularly not to this extent. I also do not agree that the grief of a sibling is necessary of the same magnitude as the grief of a child losing a parent. It really depends on the family, but in many cases, the child will be the more affected party.
I would focus on yourself and your daughter (I think? Though you have written 'DS' in your post but referred to them are 'her'?) and ignore these individuals as much as you can. Try not to let the justified anger you feel at their behaviour take over the process of taking care of yourself at what is an extraordinarily rough time.
You probably can't keep them from the funeral, but you can reduce your contact with them to a minimum both at that event and after it. Your daughter's husband sounds like he could be really helpful - he had the presence of mind, as someone slightly less affected, to ask them to leave, so perhaps he can play a role in ensuring that the funeral isn't disrupted by their histrionics. I suspect funeral directors have a fair bit of experience of difficult families too, and they may also have advice.
Once again, I'm terribly sorry for your loss.
I'm very sorry ^Welshmaenad* it sounds like dreadful behaviour.
It also sounds like your DS and yourself supported and looked out for your Dad to the end, making sure he was settled and comfortable and with the people he loved. You should be proud of yourselves for supporting your Dad to have a good death.
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