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Trying for a baby when OH is still unsure

(29 Posts)
user1470326318 Thu 04-Aug-16 17:26:18

So as the title suggests, I'd like to know some opinions please. Myself and my partner have been together for 2 years now and have lived together (rented flat) for a year. Together we bring in a fairly decent income (£43k between us) and our relationship is very stable. OH is 32 and I am 23 and we have both spoken about and agreed that we see our future including marriage and children. OH often talks about what our children will be like, things we will do when we have children etc etc. Last night I decided to bring up the subject of trying for a baby and he didn't exactly say yes or no. He admitted to me that although he likes to fantasise about the idea, the reality of having children is slightly daunting for him and he also worries that we are still not earning enough to provide sufficiently for a child. We had a long discussion and OH explained that if I do really want a baby now, then he is willing to actively try, but, he would personally like to wait a couple more years. For me- a couple of years would feel like a lifetime. I have been extremely broody for the past year and not a day goes by when I don't think about starting a family with him. At the age of 23 I feel at the perfect age for my first child and I'm reluctant to wait any longer. I know OP would be extremely supportive if I did fall pregnant and part of me thinks that once the initial fear/shock is over, he too would be very pleased. So, AIBU in trying for a baby? Anyone with a similar experience on here?

ghostyslovesheep Thu 04-Aug-16 17:27:51

Without him knowing - fuck yes Yabu!

NavyandWhite Thu 04-Aug-16 17:28:49

Wait till you both want a baby.

LifeInJeneral Thu 04-Aug-16 17:31:11

If your DP isn't sure I'd say wait as this is a decision that affects you botha nd not just you. You are only 23 so you have plenty of time to start a family. Make the most of each other as you are now, go out for dinner and have cocktail nights with friends. In 6 months time have another talk and see how he feels. Now that he knows how you feel about starting to try he will be inclined to think about it more seriously.

NicknameUsed Thu 04-Aug-16 17:34:15

"For me- a couple of years would feel like a lifetime"

It isn't. It really isn't. You are only 23, and if your partner isn't fully on board it would be unfair to trick him into fatherhood before he is ready.

Live a little, travel, get further up the career ladder. Do all the the things that are easier to do without children.

So yes, YABVU.

Dutchcourage Thu 04-Aug-16 17:34:21

You need to pin him down and specifically say "would tou like to try for a baby now.

There is only two one word answers that are needed. If he starts rambling - he is not ready and you would be beyond foolish to go a head as it could come back and bite you in your bum.

My friend has just spent 11 years having the baby carrot dangled in front of her. shr is reaching 40. She is stuck between the choice of leaving her Dh and going it alone which has no gaurentees or sacking off the idea and just keeping the status quo

user1470326318 Thu 04-Aug-16 17:40:43

Sorry I think the end part of my post might be slightly misleading. I have no intention on tricking my partner into getting me pregnant without him knowing. What I meant was, he has agreed to try for a baby if that's what I want to do. I sense that he is reluctant, but what I was proposing to do was to tell him that yes, I really do want a baby and to try for one. As per your above posts, the last thing I would want is for him to feel I have tricked him in any way or for him to resent me. I suppose waiting is the only sensible idea sad

Missgraeme Thu 04-Aug-16 17:40:43

Maybe write a joint bucket list to get through before u ttc?

DragonsEggsAreAllMine Thu 04-Aug-16 17:47:15

No, he needs to be completely on board. At 23 in a dating relationship babies should be a very much in the future thing. Two years us not very long with a boyfriend and at 23 your career is definitely not established or stable enough.

Surely you want to do things together first, live a little.

NicknameUsed Thu 04-Aug-16 17:48:44

"What I meant was, he has agreed to try for a baby if that's what I want to do."

I used to know someone whose husband took the same view. Basically it was "you want a baby, you take all responsibility for it". And that is what happened. He wasn't a hands on father at all and never changed a nappy or fed the baby.

HeddaGarbled Thu 04-Aug-16 17:49:42

25 is just as good as 23 for trying for a first child. I'd wait if I were you. I'd also strongly recommend being married before you have children (for the legal and financial protection it gives you). If he's still avoiding the issue in 2 years time, you'll have plenty of time to move on to someone who feels the same way that you do about having children.

MephistoMarley Thu 04-Aug-16 17:53:26

I think you should wait and make sure you are secure on your career and have done all the studying/travelling you want to do for now. 23 is so young.

davos Thu 04-Aug-16 17:53:26

By ttc with someone who is doing 'for you', you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of shit.

I had my first child at 22, so not saying you are too young. But you have years of ahead of you when you can have a baby. It not like you are late 30s early 40s.

In my op it's best to wait until both are on board.

Dutchcourage Thu 04-Aug-16 17:58:17

Do you not want to get married first?

user1466690252 Thu 04-Aug-16 18:01:19

Wait, having a baby is way way way more than i imagined it would be and although i love mine like i didnt think possible. I wish i had done so much more before having them. And I had my first at 28! X

Dozer Thu 04-Aug-16 18:07:37


Unless you have lots of wealth of your own and/or plan to work full time after DC (and are confident your DP will do his fair share of childcare and domestics tomake that realistic) it'd be very risky to have DC before marriage.

AnotherEmma Thu 04-Aug-16 18:08:46

A few questions for you:

Do you and your partner want to buy your own place at some point? If you're in a position to get a mortgage and your own place, or if you will be in the next few years, it would be sensible to do that before having children.

Do you want to get married at some point?
Many women who want both marriage and children find that if they have children first, they get frustrated about not being married, especially if their partner puts it off or decides he doesn't want marriage after all.

And do you want your partner to be an equal co-parent, doing his share of the parenting and housework? If so you need to wait until he's fully on board.

You're still young - you have at least 12+ fertile years ahead of you - and you also haven't been in the relationship very long. Give it a few years.

AnchorDownDeepBreath Thu 04-Aug-16 18:10:22

At 23, I was pretty keen to have a child, and babysat as many days and nights that I could. I felt absolutely ready. At 25, I'm glad that I don't have children.

How much of the £43k is yours? How much will you earn through maternity leave? Will you want to go back?

Inshock73 Thu 04-Aug-16 18:13:05

Don't! Not until your DP is fully onboard. You may feel now is the right time but from a practical viewpoint you have lots of time ahead of you to have children. I have a 15 month old, work full time and have a career. I can't put in to words how hard it is to juggle a career and being a parent and my career is very well established. I've been with my DP for 8 years and a baby really does change your relationship and you can't prepare or understand how that will happen until you have a baby. They are really hard work and everything in your life will come second to looking after your baby. If I was in your shoes I would concentrate on your career, your relationship and just enjoying your life and life with your partner for a few more years.

FlyingElbows Thu 04-Aug-16 18:14:15

There is a chasm of difference between your fantasy family and the reality of being a parent. It's really not like you see on the pampers adverts! You're 23 and unmarried, it's not ideal. Do the things you really want to do while you still can. Get married because that legal security matters for you and your child. Fgs don't "accidentally" have a baby on some romantic whim, it's the quickest way to end up a single mother.

TheCrumpettyTree Thu 04-Aug-16 18:16:38

YABU. Wait until you're both on board. Youre 23, waiting until you're 25 is nothing. Spend time with your DP, have some fun. You'll rarely get time to yourselves once you have children.

He wants to wait and you have to respect that. You have to compromise, and it's no good hoping he'll be alright with it if you actually get pregnant. What if he isn't?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrumpettyTree Thu 04-Aug-16 18:21:22

You've only been together two years, what's the rush? Enjoy what you have. Having a baby can totally change your relationship and test it completely. As much as having children is wonderful, it's exhausting and not something I would want to put the other person through if they weren't totally on board yet.

AnotherEmma Thu 04-Aug-16 18:22:05

FWIW, I was 22 when I met DH, 23 when we moved in together, 27 when we got married, 28 when we bought a house together, and 30 when we started TTC. I was lucky to meet him young and have the luxury of time to enjoy the relationship, get my ducks in a row (with marriage and a house) and most importantly, feel sure he's the right person to have a family with.

AnotherEmma Thu 04-Aug-16 18:29:56

Also the average salary in the UK is £26.5k so a combined income of £43k is below average. Depending on where you live it might be a struggle to afford suitable housing for a family, especially if your income goes down during maternity leave and after. Don't forget childcare costs (if you go back to work) and all the other extra costs associated with having children.

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