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To expect my mum to treat grandchildren equally

(13 Posts)
Ghanagirl Thu 04-Aug-16 16:51:25

Okay, had really awful childhood my parents focused on thier own dysfunctional relationship.
me and my siblings only children of colour at our school in really racist area of north London.
My mum has always complained about my older sisters husband as he's very controlling they have only child a boy who is 19 and started university last year, I have 5 year old twins who were prem and girl was really unwell till about age 4, she's fine now as is DS but my mum doesn't help at all and she's always helped my sister as she thinks she's more "fragile".
Last week she phoned to let me know she won't be seeing twins over summer as Nephew home from uni and my sisters husband thinks he should be her priority.
Just feel really sad as my two going into year one and they both really love her?and my my nephew (thier cousin) plus I'm juggling work over summer whilst my sister is able to work full time as her son is self sufficient!
Also I always helped out with my Nephew when he was little even though my sisters husband was really horrible to both me and my mum at this time.
My Mums justification is that I'm "stronger" (I'm not) plus sisters (white) husband is controlling and my Nephew is mixed race so they need her support!
Just to clarify I have two other siblings who have no contact with my mum at all.
I speak to youngest sibling who is child free but doesn't communicate with my mum or older sis and we have no contact with our dad.
Sorry rambling text but I'm really upset!
My DH says I should just forget about my mum and older sister but it's not that easy...

tofutti Thu 04-Aug-16 19:02:31

Why does your mum allow your sister's husband to dictate to her about who she should see over the summer? Is he controlling towards your mum too?

What is your mum expected to do with your nephew? Take him out?

Shizzlestix Thu 04-Aug-16 19:09:58

I think she'll find that a 19 year old lad is not going to a) be at home much b) want to hang with his nana!

Ghanagirl Thu 04-Aug-16 19:53:08

My Mum was controlled by dad who was physically violent at times, my sisters husband hasn't been physically abusive (as far as I know)
But he's very manipulative and stopped my mum and myself from having contact with Nephew when he was around 3, he became really awful when I had twins as he wanted my mum to put my nephew first!
To be honest
My Nephew's a really nice boy but he doesn't really know the extent of his dad's bullying😐

Missgraeme Thu 04-Aug-16 19:54:22

She doesn't sound like the sort of grandma I would want around my kids anyway!

Ghanagirl Thu 04-Aug-16 20:24:04

Your probably right but she was really good for first two years of twins life and at that point I thought she was going to be a better grandmother than actual mum😕

RubbleBubble00 Thu 04-Aug-16 20:39:43

Honestly it sounds like your mum has fallen into the trap of being controlled by her son in law. He sounds like an abusive personality and from your mums history with your dad she would be more than susceptible to his controlling influences.

There's nothing you can do but grit your teeth and except her choices and do your own thing

TheBouquets Thu 04-Aug-16 21:24:01

Perhaps you mum is so used to be told what to do next that she feels she needs to be told rather than to chose for herself. If she had a DGC of 19 she will have had years of being put under the thumb. You don't mention a dad/granddad, perhaps he is no longer around for one reason or another. She may have transferred from being under your dad's thumb to under the SIL thumb.
I feel sorry for her, she should be able to make her own choices.

Ghanagirl Thu 04-Aug-16 22:20:33

Yes she has been doing exactly what my BIL wants since nephew was born, brief period when I had late pregnancy loss then had twins she was supportive and was "allowed" to bring my Nephew to visit.
since they started school she's gone back to prioritising nephew to the point that my younger sister who doesn't have children commented and now after pressure from older sister and BIL my mum's not speaking to her!
My DH is sympathetic up to a point but thinks I should just forget about my mum if she's not interested but as I know she was abused by my dad find it hard to just dismiss her😔

TheBouquets Thu 04-Aug-16 22:54:45

Ghanagirl - I wonder if your mum is in need of your support. I don't think you should walk away unless you feel you are in danger. When a person is as controlling as this dictating who can talk to whom the last thing you must do is fit into their demands. SIL is trying to divide and conquer routine. If you stop seeing your mum he will have succeeded in getting rid of all his wife's sisters and get the mum to themselves. I don't know if there are more brothers and sisters. If there are brothers how does he treat them. How is when your DH is around? Or is your DH just quiet? This is abuse of your mum, please support her to overcome the controlling features in her life.
It is hard, I wont kid you on, but the only way to free all your family is to stick together.
Thinking of you and good luck

rollonthesummer Thu 04-Aug-16 22:58:45

Last week she phoned to let me know she won't be seeing twins over summer as Nephew home from uni and my sisters husband thinks he should be her priority.

Now much time out of a 6+ week holiday does a 19 year old need to spend with his nan?

This is bizarre!

ZippyNeedsFeeding Thu 04-Aug-16 23:19:06

Are you sure this is really coming from your BIL and your mother isn't just using him as an excuse? It isn't uncommon, especially for older women, to use a husband or other male as an excuse for things they just don't want to do.

Ghanagirl Fri 05-Aug-16 09:00:34

I had considered this and thier might be some truth in it as she def seems to be withdrawing from me and kids, but she still spends time at sisters place and then telephones to tell me what they've bought recently and how they've treated her to things.

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