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to think breastfeeding outweighs dinner on the table? who's right - me or DH?

(148 Posts)
Pendu Thu 04-Aug-16 14:05:49

I'm sooooo peeved right now.

In a nutshell I just learned I don't get childcare help for uni (after two years of studying very hard for my diploma and passing with a maximum distinction star ). So, basically I "lost" 200-300 a week .

I just told DH and he said he can't afford childcare (fair enough ) but he will pay for a lady he knows to stay with us and she will cook and clean and look after the baby (due in November). He will pay her the same as the nursery fees.

My point is, if he can pay for her why can't he pay the nursery which is on campus and will allow me to feed and spend time with the baby ?? This lady can't drive so I'm still doing all the school runs and now paying for the breakfast clubs to ensure I'm on time for uni (so her being here isn't even saving the morning and after school club money) so she is literally only replacing the nursery, but home is 20+ minute drive so I can't keep popping back if the baby is at home .

My DH says he doesn't want to suffer as he knows dinner and housework was hit and miss when I was at college (he's very old fashioned plus does long hours and sometimes double shifts all week so doesn't want to take on anything extra) and she will cook his food all the time, anytime.

I'm really pissed - I do my best and have never not cooked his dinner though it's not always on the table as I have three dc to cook for ( they won't eat the same) and sort as soon as I'm through the door otherwise they are up late if I'm stuck in the kitchen before they're sorted.

So, who's right? Leave the baby with expressed/formula (I find expressing very hard) and someone do the cooking and housework or just suck it up for maybe 2 years (3rd year is placement and I'll pay childcare from my wage that suits me and dc who likely won't be as needy then with feeding etc )with regards to food and a messy house but be able to have the baby nearby (5min walk) on campus ?

FruitCider Thu 04-Aug-16 14:07:32

Tell your husband to pull his weight and pay for proper childcare!

LewisAndClark Thu 04-Aug-16 14:08:21

He is BU.

Who the fuck is this 'woman' who'll be a low paid live in housekeeper/nanny? Sounds well dodgy to me.

LewisAndClark Thu 04-Aug-16 14:09:49

Also, I'm a SAHM and dh works long hours and I never have dinner on the table when he walks in. Quite often I get him to cook it. Why can't he cook?

OreosAreTasty Thu 04-Aug-16 14:10:59


Pendu Thu 04-Aug-16 14:12:20

She will be quite well paid - she's a family friend but abit hapless . DH I think wants to help her out but just doesn't see the massive importance of not being away from a tiny child. I was only pushing on with uni because I thought the baby would be 5 mins away and especially if I have larger breaks, I will just go and be with the baby but if baby is at home then it's too far - I'll be maybe 12 hours out of the house some days.

expatinscotland Thu 04-Aug-16 14:12:28

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

annandale Thu 04-Aug-16 14:13:01


Nice to feel an emphatic YANBU.

Tbh wouldn't he be able to use childcare vouchers for the nursery, which he wouldn't for the housekeeper type unless she's Ofsted registered?

If you want to compromise, maybe suggest reviewing the situation once you're no longer feeding?

I can imagine anyone having a brief fantasy about a Mrs Goggins making dinner for them, as long as they came back to reality pretty quickly.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Thu 04-Aug-16 14:13:14

So your DH wants to hire a maid for him, who coincidentally will do a bit of baby-minding. After all, he needs to have his dinner on the table, what with being so busy and important.


FiveFullFathoms Thu 04-Aug-16 14:13:15

This 'lady' coming in to cook and clean and look after your baby sounds dodgy as fuck. Has she worked as a nanny before? Been DBS checked? Does she have insurance? First aid qualifications? Will you be paying her NI contributions? No way would I agree to this.

Your DH, quite frankly, sounds like a twat. All this stuff about wanting dinner on the table sounds medieval. You're both having a baby, so he needs to pull his weight as well.

Pendu Thu 04-Aug-16 14:16:36

Hehe expat.

In his defence he leaves sometimes 5-6am and returns maybe 8pm to leave again maybe 10pm to arrive home in the early hours and then up at 5am again etc. He has and does cook but it's just not feasible with the amount he works , especially as the night shifts are labour intensive and outdoors.

BUT I think we can manage with pre prepared meals in the deep freeze and abit of flexibility

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 04-Aug-16 14:16:45

Is old fashioned code for twat?

My grandad was old fashioned he was born over 100 years ago, he would say your partner is a twat amd not old fashioned at all

annandale Thu 04-Aug-16 14:16:49

X post - I love the sound of a 'hapless' family friend looking after a tiny baby. Makes it especially tricky when things go wrong, as they will. Wtaf? Perhaps she could get a job in the nursery? Oh, they turned her down did they? Wonder why.

I'll be the odd one out as I can see where he's coming from.

He works long hours, sometimes double shifts all week (as you say).

You want him to use the money he earns from over-working to pay 200-300 a week for nursery to go to uni, not bringing money in and probably building up a nice big debt due to student loans?

When you are out of the house studying things change a bit.

You can be out for up to 12 hours.

He works long, often double, shifts.

It's not unreasonable for him to think of hiring an 'all in one' to care for the baby, do housework and cook. It's a busy household!

And, sorry, but from his point of view, he's the only one financially providing despite you being out and needing expensive childcare.

So I don't think he's being unreasonable at all

toptoe Thu 04-Aug-16 14:19:06

His money is surely your money as you're married? That's your problem. He's not allowing you access to family money and therefore he gets to choose what suits him over you and baby.

milpool Thu 04-Aug-16 14:19:42

What the fuck. Why is this up to him? Why isn't his money your money? If you've got a home and children then it should be a shared pot.

You shouldn't have to pander to these ridiculous requests.

And also, why would you EVER want to leave your baby with someone "hapless" when there's registered childcare available that will cost the same?

Pendu Thu 04-Aug-16 14:20:13

I'm not sure about childcare vouchers ? He is self employed and we already hire other staff (contractors) so she will be paid properly (don't ask me the ins and out - the accountant deals with all the NI and stuff).

The lady is really nice - I know her, I have nothing against her and would enjoy having her here, just I think for the same cost I can have the baby nearby especially in the early days but DH sees in that amount of money he gets the whole lot (but I have to be far away)

toptoe Thu 04-Aug-16 14:21:26

his hours sound horrendous - is it safe for him to do those hours?

Pendu Thu 04-Aug-16 14:22:31

When j said hapless I mean she is a very sweet innocent type lady, she's had a tough time which I think makes DH want to help her out. She isn't hapless as in clumsy etc blush

Boogers Thu 04-Aug-16 14:23:55

dinner and housework were hit and miss when I was at college

Fuck the fuck off, and when you're there fuck off some more to fucksville! Twat!

Your husband needs to get a grip and pull his weight. He might work long hours, but you're not exactly sat on your arse watching Judge Judy and eating Coco Pops from the bag. You're studying hard for a qualification that will better you as a person, your job prospects and your earning potential. And I'm betting you don't stop studying when you get home as you'll still have hours and hours of reading and research to do.

Your husband sounds like he's being an arse who, from what you've said, expects his little woman to have his dinner on the table when he gets home, the house immaculately tidy and the children freshly scrubbed and ready for bed. Sod that for a game of cards.

If he is willing to pay for a home help with your DC then he can also pay for childcare at your place of study. He's being very controlling about it and you need to be firm in your reasons why you want your DC to go to the nursery at your place of study, and if he wants a housekeeper he can pay for one of those as well, or he can pull on a pair of rubber gloves and get acquainted with a Domestos and Pledge.

Do you feel up to fighting your corner Pendu?

toptoe Thu 04-Aug-16 14:24:49

She'll need crb checking (child protection). Is she really going to be able to baby stuff and housework and cooking? With a newborn?

MrsRyanGosling15 Thu 04-Aug-16 14:25:13

Why would you have more children with this man? Seriously he has no respect for you at all. My husband works hours like that sometimes. If there is a dinner for him ok. Most times there isn't but as an adult he can fed himself. How would he eat if he was single? And why do you need to ask him to pay for anything? It's his child too. Just tell him it's the nursery as it works better. End of story. You set your own standards in this life. You need to stand up for yourself more.

CaroleService Thu 04-Aug-16 14:27:14

So is he intending to put her wages 'through the books'? As an employee of his company? That would be v dodgy

Pendu Thu 04-Aug-16 14:27:18

His hours doesn't even bare thinking about. Sometimes he doesn't come home as he spends the time sleeping in the car to get an extra few hours but it's the way his work is. By law he can't work more than a certain amount but he still has to be there (so naps in this time) so is pretty f*cked by the time he gets home. Some days are fine - no nights and home at a good time and an easy day but then he's knocked for six from the previous shifts which is why I don't begrudge him leaving most cooking etc up to me, but I was managing at college so I can manage again , but he just can't see my point that housework isn't as important as not leaving the baby for whole days for no saving .

Kenduskeag Thu 04-Aug-16 14:27:27

Hang on, he wants to pay some random 'hapless', sweet, innocent' woman he knows to come and cook his dinners, look after his baby and clean up? So, a traditional 'wife' he always wanted (and was quick to remind you you aren't as good as, because your cooking is 'hit and miss')?

If he wants to live with his sweet, hapless ladyfriend he's welcome to for free, because you'll be out the door and reclaiming your life from this tool.

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