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To support BIL?

(16 Posts)
CanWeNot Thu 04-Aug-16 00:03:27

My Dsis and BIL have been together 8 years, married for 2. Out of nowhere 3 weeks ago my Dsis left my BIL and moved into a flat owned by our parents and took their kids. Just days before she was telling me how lucky she was to have him and now it's like he never existed. She says there was no cheating, no fights, she just didn't want to be there anymore. It was initially temporary but she's been looking into divorce.

I've always gotten on really well with BIL and they've always seemed like a great couple but DSis has a habit of getting "bored" with things. BIL has taken the split really hard while DSis has already been showing me her matches on OLD sites.

I absolutely believe she has done the right thing if she isn't happy and no one should guilt her into staying in an unhappy marriage but she has requested no one stay in contact with him. He's been in our family for years and is the father of her three young children. I find it really hard not to offer him words of support.

He just updated his Twitter to say how much he is struggling at the moment and wants his old life back. WIBU to just send him a text to say we're thinking of him and hoping he can find a way through this? Our parents and other siblings have said they want to be able to say this to BIL but don't want to risk upsetting DSis.

Cutecat78 Thu 04-Aug-16 00:05:58

She can't dictate to you who you communicate with ...?

Okkitokkiunga Thu 04-Aug-16 00:08:51

Does that mean she is going to try and deny him co tact with the children too?

You don't need to tell her you have contacted him. Poor man. I would let you sister know that you support her decision of that is right for her but equally she doesn't get to say how you treat other people. He deserves courtesy and an acknowledgment of your history at the very least.

WorraLiberty Thu 04-Aug-16 00:09:25


Unless another reason comes to light and if it does, you can react how you see fit at the time.

HeddaGarbled Thu 04-Aug-16 00:16:14

I would be wary of someone who puts something so personal on such an open forum as Twitter.

CanWeNot Thu 04-Aug-16 00:16:31

She has been reasonable with the kids as far as I'm aware and he has seen them quite a bit. I'm also wondering if more will come to light to explain this behaviour.

Thank you all for your opinions though, glad to know I'm not BU for wanting to show him a bit of kindness!

WhereYouLeftIt Thu 04-Aug-16 00:33:06

"she has requested no one stay in contact with him"
That's not her call to make. She doesn't want to stay in a relationship with him, but the rest of the family also have relationships with him, built over time, and she cannot simply declare him persona non grata! He is the father of three of your family, and therefore family to you - regardless of the marriage breakdown. Had there been DV or infidelity or some such on his part you might not have wanted to have anything to do with him and that would have been fine also, but if that isn't the case here (and your sister has told you it isn't) then you are free to decide for yourself the level of relationship you maintain with him.

In fact, I'd suggest you and your parents and other siblings may well need to step up to ensure that the relationship between BIL and his three children is not damaged by your sister. Just because she doesn't want him around doesn't mean her children don't. They have a right to a relationship with their father - her boredom doesn't trump that. Nor should it be trumped by a desire to not upset your sister. A desire that personally think is a little misplaced in this situation. It sort of suggested to me that your parents/siblings/you usually dance to her tune. Is this the case?

EverySongbirdSays Thu 04-Aug-16 00:50:16

I have a friend who left her DH after years of praising him to the skies in a very similar way to that you describe. Several of her relatives have openly stayed in touch with him and been very hmm with her. It makes her fume, but when she started saying very nasty things about him it came completely out of left field and people simply didn't believe it. They both have new partners now but the animosity between them is huge, as he was blindsided and reacted so strongly to her leaving and did some very stupid things. The fact that even with those things her family do support him still does give one food for thought.

But :

It could be that the "Wonderful Husband, Facebook Family Holiday Snaps Perfection" was a front, as my friend now claims hers was.

Grilledaubergines Thu 04-Aug-16 00:57:12

I would be wary of someone who puts something so personal on such an open forum as Twitter


HeddaGarbled Thu 04-Aug-16 01:05:19

Smacks of PR. Someone who is genuinely devastated would talk to people privately, wouldn't they?

lalalalyra Thu 04-Aug-16 01:09:19

Smacks of PR. Someone who is genuinely devastated would talk to people privately, wouldn't they?

Only if they have people to talk too. If his ex-wife has requested her family don't speak to him then perhaps she has done the same with friends.

Grilledaubergines Thu 04-Aug-16 01:09:49

POssibly but not everyone has close friends and family around to confide in or feels comfortable going to someone directly to offload. Social media may just feel more comfortable to him. He can get it all out but without heavy questioning . Wouldn't be my thing but we're all different!

Missgraeme Thu 04-Aug-16 07:28:27

He hasn't treated her badly. He needs support - Contact him.

Pearlman Thu 04-Aug-16 07:34:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pearlman Thu 04-Aug-16 07:36:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnionKnight Thu 04-Aug-16 08:52:59

YANBU OP, I'd do the same if I was ever in that situation. Because It's come out of nowhere, is she mentally okay? I'm not saying that she must be mentally ill but it's very rash behaviour.

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