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To ask why they thought it was ok to do this to me

(34 Posts)
Sillyjelly Wed 03-Aug-16 23:43:46

A few years ago I was in a long term relationship. This ended largely due to DP having a fairly serious affair (3 months +) with a friend of mine. I had encouraged their friendship whilst I had to go away, thinking this might help solve loneliness on both their parts.

Upon finding out about this affair, I was so shocked and disgusted I couldn't react. I maintained a fairly civil relationship with DP (ex by this point of course) but had little to do with exfriend. I had a pretty terrible time, told no-one, and came very close to suicide.

I am now a more assertive person, less afraid of confrontation, and I have a growing desire to contact exfriend and ask why it seemed acceptable to do this to me. I strongly regret not having this out at the time.

Would that be mad? The main thing holding me back is that exfriend may contact exDP to consult on how to reply, which would be awful. I don't know if they maintain any contact. ExDP now has a new serious cohabiting gf.

I now have a new DP and it is not due to regret that the relationship ended. I am much better off in all ways now.

It is just such a deep hurt and I never received any answers. To say it haunts me is too strong, but it's always in me. The mystery of why two people who I cared about, and treated well, thought this was an OK thing to do.

WorraLiberty Wed 03-Aug-16 23:50:17

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but I think I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

The reason being, that it's just not an acceptable thing to do, so no matter what 'reason' she gives, it's never going to bring you any peace.

All she'll be able to give is crap excuses and personally, that would anger me even more.

The important thing to remember is, that what happened was all about them and what crap people they are.

It was never about you.

EveOnline2016 Wed 03-Aug-16 23:57:44

What do you envision the answer will be and what if you don't hear what you want to hear.

Both ex and friend done this because neither of them had any respect or loyalty to you.

Dumbled Thu 04-Aug-16 00:00:03

What a horrible thing to have lived through sad
Agree with Worral its about them, not you,it really is

MammaTJ Thu 04-Aug-16 00:04:24

I think part of almost expects partners/husbands to cheat, but we expect better from friends and are more hurt by it. YANBU to want to ask, but I doubt you would benefit. I think you would only be hurt, either by the answer, or refusal to answer!

ginplease83 Thu 04-Aug-16 00:08:53

I agree, don't follow this through. It's about them being dicks not you being unworthy or undeserving of them being nice people to you. They did something unacceptable and horrible so let them take it to their graves. You don't have to relive this again

Lilacpink40 Thu 04-Aug-16 00:10:48

She was a bitch to you, is she likely to admit it. Will she say I'm selfish and wanted fun?

She's more likely to blame him, or worse blame you. You hold the moral high ground and can walk away with your head held high.

DoJo Thu 04-Aug-16 00:13:15

Is there anything that they could say that would make you feel better? If they had a 'reason' or they could point to something that you said or did that made them genuinely think it was ok? Is there anything that you would say 'ok, well, fair enough' to or are you hoping that she will throw herself at your feet and apologise profusely in the way that you deserve?

I think you need to think about what the best case scenario is here and how likely it is to actually happen.

TangfasticFanatic Thu 04-Aug-16 00:13:37

I agree, leave things as they are. You have moved on and as you say are better off in all ways.
As others have said she will try and make excuses as to why she did it/it happened and might make you feel worse.

Sillyjelly Thu 04-Aug-16 00:20:02

I expect you're all correct.

It's not that I'm looking for apologies or excuses though.

It kind of feels as though they found a hole in my safety to hurt me through. Like she knows what that hole is and I don't.

I know it's highly unrealistic for her to say "I felt no loyalty or respect for you for X, Y and Z reasons" which I could then fix.

But I still want to know what they are, so that I can. It's ridiculous. But I want to know and be safer.

GDarling Thu 04-Aug-16 00:20:34

Some people have a need for closure.
I don't believe this will help you understand how they could do this to you.
It still hurts, it always will. Put it away in a box, don't let it drain your energy, move on and enjoy the future coz sometimes the past weighs you down and sometimes there is no rhyme nor reason for things that have happened.
She'll only make excuses anyway.
By the way I'm so glad that they have split up😂😂

EverySongbirdSays Thu 04-Aug-16 00:22:30

There is no answer to this question that will help you OP.

Any answer you get will just lead to another BUT....WHY?

The simple reason is selfishness and they didn't value you enough. Any answer she gives will be upsetting to hear and one you could write the script of.

I was at a big birthday years ago. Lots of old uni people. One girl that I didn't really know at uni was behind me talking to someone I knew but hadn't stayed in touch with so it wasn't my conversation though I heard it. The first was drunk and telling the other "You don't understand....I love him so's so hard for me" she was talking about her uni best friends DH. The girl she was talking to was trying to be nice with a look of abject horror on her face.

You never know what secrets your friends are keeping.

Lilacpink40 Thu 04-Aug-16 00:28:02

I wanted my STBXH to explain how he could have lived a double-life with OW. My friends and counsellor made me realise that he couldn't face the truth (guilt) so wouldn't be able to explain. They were right. He would only have lied and I need to keep living.

Don't let it eat away at you. She was a bitch, he was a bastard. You're now better off without either of them.

TealLove Thu 04-Aug-16 00:34:18

I'm going to tell you something.

I contacted and kept in contact with someone who hurt me profoundly to the point where I was suicidal for the same reasons- I wanted to know why.
You know what I got? More pain more hurt and more questions.
Don't look back honestly I speak from experience. X

ThumbWitchesAbroad Thu 04-Aug-16 00:34:53

Totally understand your need for closure, but you won't get it this way.

Slightly different but my ex-fiancé went off with someone at work - who I didn't know - and I asked him why so many times. What had I done wrong, why had he done this - sometimes he just couldn't answer, other times he blamed me but it changed each time. It took a counsellor (for me) to point out the blindingly obvious - he just didn't love me enough.

Your ex-BF didn't love you enough to stay faithful, and your ex-friend didn't care about you enough to stay out of his bed. That's the only answer - anything else they might think of is just so much flannel, the base answer is that they just didn't care enough about you.

So no - don't contact her, because you'll either get a lot of drivel off her, or you'll find out what I've just told you. But maybe do consider some counselling to get it out of your system and let it go. x

TattyCat Thu 04-Aug-16 00:37:59

I genuinely don't think it will help you to feel any better about it. The only thing that will help is to know, absolutely, that it was not about you. It wasn't anything you did or didn't do, I promise you.

Just know that you are a better person than either of them and I've just realised that this is exactly what worra just said (apologies I skimmed the replies and have just gone back)! But she's right. And asking them why they thought it was ok won't help you because you won't get the answer you need. The answer you need is within you, not them. They are not worth your head space.

WorraLiberty Thu 04-Aug-16 00:39:32

It kind of feels as though they found a hole in my safety to hurt me through. Like she knows what that hole is and I don't.

Some people really aren't that deep though.

I doubt either of them saw past their own selfish desires, to even think about safety and hole etc.

Personally I think you hold the power here by keeping your dignity in tact.

Which is more than can be said for either of them.

AnnaMarlowe Thu 04-Aug-16 00:45:49

Sweetheart, the lack is not in you. There is no hole.

The lack is solely in them.

Pity them for a minute or two and then out them out of your mind. They don't deserve your head space.

Seren85 Thu 04-Aug-16 00:55:35

My ex cheated with a mutual friend. I'd encouraged the friendship as we had all recently moved to a new town, she was living with someone anyway. They're married now, with a baby. He offered to "explain" what happened if I wanted some closure. No. Nothing, no words, no explanation, nothing can justify or explain treating people like that and so it won't ever help. There's nothing wrong with you, no "flaw" that was exploited that you can fix. They behaved terribly. THEM. Please don't give it any further headspace.

Smurfit Thu 04-Aug-16 06:01:35

Agree with previous posters - it was most definitely all them. Whilst you may not have been perfect, the decent thing to do is to end the relationship before beginning the new one. The simple answer - is that their actions were shitty and thoughtless, not that you did anything wrong or need to fix anything.

If you're anything like me you'll likely feel like a big failure because it didn't work but eventually I realised that his cheating was all him. If he was that unhappy, he could have left me but instead he emotionally used and abused me. I didn't deserve it, it wasn't me fault and neither is it in your case.

CoolCarrie Thu 04-Aug-16 06:26:20

Please don't contact either of them. It wont make you feel any better, believe me.
My exh went off with someone from our circle of friends. She was married with a very small child when they got together. I was so hurt, her dh was devastated. I asked exh one day when I met him by chance and never got a reasonable answer. They married and had two dc together. But now I feel they did me a favour, I am lucky enough to have a brilliant dh & family, the kind of life I would never have had with him. Dont give them any more of your headspace, they are not worth it in any shape or form.

DonaldTrumpTriggersSJWlol Thu 04-Aug-16 06:29:04

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winkywinkola Thu 04-Aug-16 06:33:23

The reason they did it, the reason they thought it was okay to do what they did is because they are a pair of utter bastards. Horrible horrible people.

That is the only reason.

Your friend might have got some twisted pleasure from thinking your ex preferred her to you. As if that's some sort of victory for her.

Keep your dignity. There is nothing she can say to make you feel better. Just know that she has behaved like pondscum.

You haven't. You win. Your life is infinitely better because you are the better person. And I think you should really enjoy that fact and never give her any of your time again.

UptheAnty Thu 04-Aug-16 06:37:00




DonaldTrumpTriggersSJWlol Thu 04-Aug-16 06:39:07

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