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When other Mums chip in and tell your child not to do something

(79 Posts)
Blossom4538 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:36:11

Not keen when Mum friends tell my DD not to do something. Usually something small, not particularly naughty at all. Or if something I mention to DD, they'll be really harsh and back me up I guess but just feels a little unnecessary. I guess it's because I never do this to my friends kids. Obv if the Mum wasn't there and I was looking after them with my DD then they're my responsibility, but I never really chip in when they are dealing with a small issue and I will praise them but not really tell them not to do something, not my place really. Leave it to the Mum! I'm far from perfect but I've had two Mums do this recently and it gets my back up.

It may just be me and prob more of an issue as my child is diagnosed with anxiety and other struggles, so can be nervous around people. The other Mums are aware.

AIBU?

purplefizz26 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:38:41

Yanbu I hate this!

As long as the parent is on the ball and keeps an eye on what their kid is doing and deals with any misbehaving appropriately, every one else should butt out!

Cutecat78 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:39:45

Depends if it is affecting them or their property ...

CanadaMoose Wed 03-Aug-16 19:40:07

If multiple friends are doing this, you're likely being too soft. It sounds like you're not parenting, so your friends feel they need to step in before it gets out of hand.

finova Wed 03-Aug-16 19:40:17

I hate this too.

Twowrongsdontmakearight Wed 03-Aug-16 19:42:45

It entirely depends on the situation. If your DD is annoying my child and my DC is too non-confrontational to say anything, I would give you chance to say something but if you don't I will.

If your DD is only annoying you, then it's your call!

SlightlyperturbedOwl Wed 03-Aug-16 19:44:52

I would hate this but would hope it's not necessary when I'm there as I would deal with the problem. I have however had to firmly tell another child 'we don't do that in this house' when they were continually walking along the top of our armchairs and sofa and crushing the fixed back cushions. Their mum had ignored it for at least 5 minutes by that point and I was getting annoyed. So I guess it depends smile

Discobabe Wed 03-Aug-16 19:46:03

No need to butt in if the parent is dealing with it. I would butt in if the parent wasn't dealing with it (ignoring it/no where to be seen) and it was affecting my dc/property though.

OhMrBadger Wed 03-Aug-16 19:46:12

It depends - if I'm not in room, then (and if it's necessary) then ok. But what drives me stark, staring bonkers is when SIL and BIL leap in to 'parent' when me and DH are right there and fully engaged in parenting. There's just no need.

Ellybellyboo Wed 03-Aug-16 19:49:03

MiL used to do this. I'd be right there dealing with it and MiL would chip in with stuff like "yes DD, that's really naughty" or she would interfere and take DD off to one side and tell her off.

Or DD would do something like drop a fork at dinner. Not really naughty, just an accident and she'd jump right in with "oh, DD that's naughty, you should be more careful"

DH had words with her several times and she stopped eventually but I really hated it at the time.

Thefitfatty Wed 03-Aug-16 19:50:18

I've one friend who does this. We've decided not to go to their home again and avoid them where possible,

Cutecat78 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:50:22

badger my DSISajd BIL used to do this before they had their own kids angry

Amelie10 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:50:57

Well it depends if you are impacting me or not. If you are wet parenting and your child is still being naughty and it affects me I will say something.

CaptainCrunch Wed 03-Aug-16 19:54:16

If it's happening frequently with a variety of different people you might need to take on board that your DD is behaving badly and you're not addressing it. I've never encountered this problem but I have sat quietly seething whilst a child has behaved appallingly and their parent blithely ignored it.

VimFuego101 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:54:59

What exactly is the child doing that they are telling him off for?

Imaginosity Wed 03-Aug-16 19:55:54

I hate this too.

My sister often tells my children they can't do some minor thing which i permit them to do, something which bothers no one and does no harm. Or if they actually do something that does need disciplining and I go to intervene immediately then she will try to get there first. It's like she likes laying down the law.

Choceeclair123 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:55:58

I would usually leave it to the parent but recently I've stepped in a few times after my DD being hit and near throttled by her "friend"! She obviously isn't listening to her mother and I'm not having it.

KatharinaRosalie Wed 03-Aug-16 19:56:02

I don't mind if other people are telling my DC not to do something they should not be doing. And 'parent dealing with it' can mean shrugging and saying 'oh dear'..

Becky546 Wed 03-Aug-16 20:01:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhMrBadger Wed 03-Aug-16 20:03:34

Cutecat it's infuriating isn't it?? My SIL & BIL don't want kids so they'll never be in the reverse situation. SIL is a teacher so I think she's always in teacher mode and BIL simply doesn't like kids!

ArcheryAnnie Wed 03-Aug-16 20:04:48

If your kid is doing something that has an impact on other people, and you are not dealing with it, then YABU.

"Leave it to mum (or dad)" only applies when mum or dad is actually doing something to sort out the issue.

If you are sorting it out effectively, then fair enough, YANBU.

PinkBallerina Wed 03-Aug-16 20:05:21

I HATE this. I have found over the years that the people who do this are people who themselves are insecure and take some small pleasure at an opportunity to berate a small child because it gives them cheap authority and because they are actually trying to place a little power over you and make you feel more insecure so you can, in their minds, become just as insecure as them.

So congratulate yourself, you don't do it to other peoples kids because you don't need an easy kick to improve your esteem and don't feel so out of control that you need to assert some power to whichever weak person you can find.

Blossom4538 Wed 03-Aug-16 20:05:45

It's always something small, not necessary for them to comment. Never affecting their child, other children or their property! No naughty behaviour really and she will not be mean to other children. We're not perfect by any means, it just grates!!

I'd understand if it were something huge, naughty, affecting them, their little ones or property.

HarryPottersMagicWand Wed 03-Aug-16 20:07:04

I hate this a lot. My nan does it and will often jump in before I've even had chance to say something or it will be something I don't deem worthy of a telling off (today she was telling them to be quiet because their granddad and my cousin was playing with them and there were being normal children and laughing and playing along). Before, my 3 year old got excited when MIL turned up at the door to visit new baby and she hadn't even put her foot in the door before she was telling him off (he wasn't doing anything wrong at all) and told him off again when he climbed on my footstool in my house, something I had no issue with at all. As the present parent or being in my own home, it is up to me to decide what is and is not acceptable behaviour not other people.

I am definitely no soft parent at all and tell them off more than I'd like to myself so I certainly don't need other people jumping in and telling them. If they are doing something they shouldn't (climbing on other people's furniture, destroying stuff in others houses - neither are things they do anyway, then I'd always tell them). YADNBU.

LoreleiGilmoreIsMyBFF Wed 03-Aug-16 20:07:20

It depends on the situation. A few months ago, I caught my neighbour's daughter, aged seven, trying to put a bloody carrier bag over my four year old son's head. I did snap, in my panic, and said 'for god's sake, X, don't be so stupid' - got a death-stare from her mum and the next few minutes were distinctly frosty. My personal rule would be that if they are just being naughty, leave the parents to discipline, but if they are putting themselves or other children at risk, then by all means, wade in.

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