Or is ExP?

(15 Posts)
HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 03-Aug-16 19:30:17

Me and ex split up roughly 2.5 years ago. We have managed to maintain a good relationship, friendly and caring since we split up. There have been a few instances were exP has blown his lid over something, has a go for a day, ignores me for a few more and then goes back to his normal self. There have properly been 4 or 5 instances of this over the time we have been separated. That was just for info.

I moved 12 months ago and my next door neighbour happens to be an old friend of my ex and his wife and their DS.

I've made really good friends with my next door neighbour, lets call her Sally. Her husband is also really lovely (lets call him Dave) but my friendship is primarily with Sally.

Last weekend Sally text and said she had come back early from a wedding reception and did I fancy a drink next door. I said yes. She then text and said that Dave had called and invited us to join him at his sister's house where an afternoon bbq was still lively. I said yes sure.

I got there and a few friends of exP (people I had met whilst with exP) were at the party and we ended up chatting. No problem.

ExP dropped our DS off this evening and we were chatting about things, as we usually did. I mentioned the party, mainly due to one of the people setting a petrol can on fire accidently and the party being divided into people flapping and people laughing.

Anyway, he blew his lid. Yelled that it was put of order I was socialising with his friends. I reiterated I was invited to a party by my neighbours, it had nothing to do with the people who were there and the fact they knew my ex. He carried on getting worked up and even insinuated that I had slept with/been seeing one of his friends! I was shock as I haven't seen this person since before I had our DS, who is now 3. This party was the first time I had seen him.

Anyway, several nasty and insulting messages later and I think his tantrum is because he thinks I am going to slag him off to all his friends. Which I have told him I won't do. Coincidentally, I don't think half the people at the party even realised he was my ex as it was never mentioned. I was merely introduced as a friend of my neighbours.

So, I have two AIBUs.

1) Was I unreasonable in the first instance of making friends with my neighbour and subsequently attending a party with a lot of his friends.

2) AIBU to carry on my friendship and accept any future invites offered to me, regardless if this means mingling with people my ex knows.

I am quite confused at the whole situation as I don't see how I have acted badly. I am in no way badmouthing him to people he knows. If anything, I sing his praises as he is a good dad and we have managed a good co-parenting relationship so far.

QuiteLikely5 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:33:02

Thank goodness you left this abusive man.

He cannot tell you what to do any longer.

Your life is your own.

You've had a lucky escape

HandsomeGroomGiveHerRoom Wed 03-Aug-16 19:33:24

YANBU. My ex also has some strange ideas though. You're not alone.

molyholy Wed 03-Aug-16 19:37:02

Yanbu. He sounds like an arsehole. Well done ypu for getting away from him. His ego is probably hurt that he had not been mentioned and nobody cared a jot that you were his ex. They may have whispered about it, but he obviously never came upnin conversation.

ChrissieS79 Wed 03-Aug-16 19:42:42

Got sod all to do with him, your lives are independent of one another now.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 03-Aug-16 19:42:47

What is really weird is he was never controlling when we were together! He has displayed far more controlling tendancies since we split up. This is the first time he has out and out told me he doesn't want me socialising with someone.

He also said that he finds it weird and uncomfortable that I have a good relationship with his mum and sister, let alone his friends. I am hmm about this. I'm his childs mother. I'm sure most guys would prefer their ex to have a good relationship with their family so they aren't constantly playing referee.

Lovewineandchocs Wed 03-Aug-16 19:47:28

He is a dick. What other things has he blown his lid over. I'll bet he is nice, friendly and chatty until you "step out of line" as he sees it!

WannaBe Wed 03-Aug-16 19:49:15

I don't think you've done anything wrong. But TBH there are regularly threads on here from people who find it uncomfortable that their ex's socialise with their friends or family, and often the consensus is that it's unreasonable as an ex shouldn't be allowed to maintain a relationship with previous ILs.

I don't agree FWIW, but I do think that if your ex had been socialising with your friends/family and you were posting here your responses may well have been different.

As for your ex, I would just tell him to do one, and that you'll socialise with who you like. And if he doesn't like it, tough.

brummiesue Wed 03-Aug-16 19:49:29

He obviously has no right to dictate who you can and cannot be friends with, plus its great you get on with his family well... However I must admit I would not like it if my ex was socialising with all my friends behind his back, it would seem odd and a bit uncessecary. To be honest I think you should carry on your friendship with your neighbour but maybe avoid events which are packed full of your ex's mates

Arkhamasylum Wed 03-Aug-16 19:55:05

You're not with him anymore. You can do what you like. If he doesn't like it, that's his problem.

It's a shame he doesn't appreciate the fact that you're still friendly with his mum and sister. I would have thought that a much better situation for your child than everyone being at loggerheads.

43percentburnt Wed 03-Aug-16 19:55:24

Just be glad you are not his new wife. Her DH is getting upset about who his ex has or has not been sleeping with and who she is socialising with - I couldn't give a fig what my ex is doing or saying!

I would stop sharing any information with this man that isn't 100% related to the welfare of your child. Also keep the abusive messages. (You can show them to his mates at the next party you go to grin.

I wonder if he is worried they may share/let slip any information about him?

paddlenorapaddle Wed 03-Aug-16 19:56:37

Carry on regardless it's more likely to be some evidence of him being a dick towards you that may come out in conversation etc. He can't control the narrative if they know and like you.

Also he probably still thinks of you as his and thought of you having a bit with one of his friends is to much for his tiny mind

Well done on ditching him though and next time he starts remind him that that's why he is an ex

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 03-Aug-16 20:00:04

I do appreciate the responses from others who would feel uncomfortable in this scenario. I thought about how I would feel and to be honest, I don't think it would bother me. Unless he started trying it on with all my friends, as I know what he is like and it's the reason we broke up.

I do think that as it was his actions that caused us to break up, he may be worried I will tell them. And if he has told them something different then it will cause gossip. But generally, I don't go into detail with people I don't know. Just say we didn't work out.

MumsKnitter Wed 03-Aug-16 20:02:34

I'm sure you're right and he's worried that you may mention instances of bad behaviour on his part from the past to his friends. My ex is like this. Nice to my face, but does his best to ensure I'm excluded from any events where joint friends might be. He likes to think that everything wrong in our relationship was 100% my fault.

Struggler83 Wed 03-Aug-16 20:02:45

Urgh, no YANBU. My ex did this to me (still does). I was actually really close with many of his friends while we were together and then after we split (after he cheated and lied and dumped me unceremoniously) he absolutely lost his shit every time I saw "his" friends.

He knew he'd been an arsehole and he was worried I'd be badmouthing him to them all. Of course, I didn't have to because they all knew what he was like and had figured it out for themselves...!

Your ex has absolutely no right to dictate who you can and can't spend time with, especially as we're talking about your next-door neighbor, Ffs. He sounds like a dick.

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