WIBU to make him stay in wet pants?

[Poppyred85]

Partly posting here for traffic, potty training thread seems quiet...
Ds is 3.5y. We have been potty training since end October 2016. We did it by taking him to the loo often and gradually left it longer between trips. He can hold wee for hours and will tell us he needs a wee if he's doing something he's not interested in e.g when out food shopping. Until about 6w ago we would ask him if needed the loo and if it had been a few hours we would take him even if he said no. We then started doing a reward chart to encourage him to tell us. He gets a sticker every time he tells us/nursery/whoever that he needs the loo and when he's got 10 he gets a toy. This seemed to improve things a bit but not much. Most of the time I ask him, if he says no I then remind him about the sticker and he will often then come back about 5 mins later to say he needs a wee. Over the last week we seem to have gone backwards again. Yesterday he held on for about 4 or 5 hours before finally telling me he needed to go after repeated prompts from me. He then went on to do one at the table in the middle of tea. This morning despite regular asking he pooed in his pants. This afternoon he did a wee all over the kitchen floor again after repeatedly saying he didn't need one. I don't know what to do anymore. I have always been patient and said "try and tell mummy next time" but today I got cross and told him off and left him in wet pants for 5 minutes. He's starting pre-school in September, other children at nursery have called him poopy-pants(which he thinks is funny) and I don't know how to move forwards. He was 10 weeks prem but no ongoing issues and is very bright. WIBU to leave him in wet things for 5 or 10 minutes to show him it's better to go in the toilet?

[MsJamieFraser]

Yabu, keep it positive, ignore bad behaviour and praise the positive, he's 3.5 he's still very little

[crazymammy]

YABU
my daughter has struggled with toilet training (she's 5) because of medical issues and no matter what I wouldn't leave her in wet things as a punishment!
Find out why it's happening, and then go from there. Leaving him in wet things as a punishment is a bit mean IMO.

[wheresthel1ght]

Yabu he is 3 ffs. Would you sit in wet pants???

All you are teaching him is to hide it from you if he does have an accident.

[JinkxMonsoon]

You'll probably get flamed but I would.

It won't do any harm but he'll (hopefully) realise that it's unpleasant and he'd be better off using the toilet next time.

I too had a very VERY resistant toilet trainer. I tried off and on for an entire year (although I gave up for months during a difficult pregnancy with SPD) and she would hold it in all day long. Would never wet or soil herself, but would be screaming in pain at the end of the day with a full bladder. At 3.10, at the start of the summer holidays, I tried again with the same result. It was bedtime and I got angry. I said she was going to sit on that toilet until she did a wee... and she did. Cracked it after that.

I tried softly softly got SO LONG and got nowhere. So in my limited experience, sometimes you do have to get a little bit harsh.

[RichardBucket]

YABU. "It won't do any harm" - except it might.

[crazymammy]

Sorry, I meant to add.
I know how frustrating it can be. But have faith that he'll get there in the end

[JinkxMonsoon]

How will being left in wet pants for five or ten minutes cause harm, Richard?

[Excited101]

Do you get him to clean himself up when he has an accident? If not then that needs to be a priority. Make sure everything is accessible and he can get on with it. Often they find that if it's a big hassle afterwards then they will be better at self motivating to go in the first place.

I would also try and prompt him to say the words that he needs to use the toilet, so 'we're going out, where is it a good idea to go before we go out'? Rather than 'we're going out so you need to use the toilet before we go' that means he gets more in the habit of actually saying the words and practises him using the initiative to go. When he then 'says it' he can be massively praised for it as if it was his idea- 'what a brilliant idea DS! It's always a good idea to use the toilet before we go out, well done you for asking to go!!' Along those lines anyway.

Perhaps the threat of nappies might also work?

[Elbekind]

I know this won't be a popular opinion but I don't think you were overly unreasonable. I don't think you should have told him off, however I do think that sometimes having to stay in wet pants for 5 minutes is all it takes to show them that wetting their pants is an unpleasant experience once the wee turns cold and they should try and avoid doing it.
When I was younger I wet my pants out of sheer laziness until I was 5! I had total control at nursery, when out and about and when at family/friends but when I was at home if I was busy playing with my sister or doing something I enjoyed I would choose not to go. I can even remember considering the options I had of whether to stop watching scooby doo or get up and use the toilet!!

[RadiatorBlues]

Sounds very mean to me. I'm not saying I wouldn't be frustrated but seems a very cruel punishment. 3.5 is very young. You'll get there. Don't worry. You've got all summer.

[liz70]

Yes, YWBU. You don't deliberately and knowingly leave a child in wet or soiled clothes. Some children take a bit longer to become dry. My DD2 at three would happily sit in dirty pants if I'd let her, despite my reminding her frequently. And my DD3 was still having the odd wetting accident at four. Both - now sixteen and six - are fine now. They got there in their own time, and so will your DS. Just clean up and keep reminding him, sitting him on potty or toilet frequently, all the usual stuff.

[Fairylea]

Some children do take longer to get it. You can't punish him for having wet himself. You'll cause all kinds of issues. My son is 4 and has asd and other needs and is still in nappies full time and will be for a good while yet. He's never had any negative comments at nursery - the nursery are very good at dealing with his needs and they don't make an issue of it and would challenge any child that said anything. If other children are being mean to your ds about him needing help with toileting they need a firm talking to from whoever is in charge.

Keep encouraging him, keep being positive and eventually it will click. In the meantime if, despite your best efforts, he ends up starting pre school in nappies or needing extra help it won't be the end of the world and he definitely won't be the only one. (See the Eric continence website for information on schools legal responsibilities to change pupils with continence needs).

[Normandy144]

I get you - am also in the midst of it! I think if you are at home, then you should change him but I don't think there is anything wrong with showing him what a chore it is when he has an accident - and you can do this without being mean. When I'm out and about I take several spare pairs of pants/leggings but I do make it clear that once they have been used then I will have none left - so earlier this week DD had to ride home in wet clothes.

[Paddingtonthebear]

I wouldn't leave him in wet pants as he will probably get sore.

But to be honest, ten months seems a very long time to still be "training". Can you try and find out from him why he is doing this? If he's 3.5 and bright he hopefully can communicate why he doesn't want to go to go/wetting himself instead. What do nursery say? Have they given any supportive advice on how to deal with this?

There's some NHS stuff online about withholding, maybe that could help?

If there's no underlying medical or development/ emotional issue then is he bribable?

[maddiemookins16mum]

I wouldn't, it won't change the fact he's wet/pooed himself and you still have to change/clean him up. I would just take him again and again until he got so fed up of it he'd tell you. You need to go back a step almost to the "taking him to the loo often" to re-establish the rules so to speak.
Pick your battles with toilet training or the war gets worse.

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

He might get a bit sore in wet pants but I think he does need to learn there is a consequence to wetting himself.
Get him to help you with the boring chore of putting his dirty clothes in the washing, remind him there won't be time for that jigsaw/game you were going to play or that there won't be much time in the park because we have to mop the floor, that sort of thing.

Try not to panic about him doing it when he starts school. You have a few weeks yet and can always provide him with a spare set of pants and trousers in his bag. Reception teachers are used to the odd accident.

[ASAS]

Showing solidarity sister, the regression is hell. But, yes, yabu. Maybe coming here to rant will help???

[AppleAndBlackberry]

If you've trained him by taking him at regular intervals then he may not have fully recognised the need to go yet. I'd stop taking him entirely and he should get the hang of it by himself. My DD took 2 weeks from being able to produce a wee on demand to being able to recognise she needed to go and get there on time. Chocolate buttons helped.

[CheeseandGherkins]

Yabu. It's horrible to do that to a tiny child. 3 and a half is nothing. Why on earth would anyone think it's ok to leave a child in wet pants?! Humiliation isn't the way to go and I would think very frowned upon by the likes of ss. Yes they have better things to do before someone whines about that.

[SeriousCreativeBlock]

I knew ywbu as soon as you said he's 3.5. DD is the slightly older and regressions are tough but you have to persevere. Even with being OTT positive and encouraging. It gets easier.

[BeckyMcDonald]

If you've been potty training since October then clearly your child is not ready to use the potty. I know you think he 'should' be, and you want him to be, but he's obviously not.

I don't know why anyone would put themselves and their child through the nightmare of trying to potty train for nearly a year. Why don't you just wait. It's not like he's 9 and being defiant. He's just 3.

[CheeseandGherkins]

Oh and I'd be speaking to the nursery about the behaviour of the children being allowed to call him names rather than punitively punishing him. So what if he takes longer than some other children? They all grow and develop differently. Mine have all been different.

[ParadiseCity]

IMO it depends.

'You naughty boy you have done a wee and now you will wear wet pants as punishment' - completely awful.

'Well DS I asked you if you needed a wee and you should have listened. You can go and clean yourself up but I am in the middle of cooking so you will have to start off by yourself before I can help you' - completely fine.

[SaucyJack]

Could you send him off to change his own pants?

Maybe when he realises that he has to go and sort himself out himself anyway he'll realise it's easier to just go to the loo.

It depends why he's doing it I guess. If you're sure he's not anxious and it's just laziness, then I don't see the harm in getting him to do some of the work himself.

I wouldn't tell him off tho. Just a matter-of-fact "Go and put dry pants on then" is fine.

[Dutchcourage]

Or you could rub his nose in it - that will teach him

My 3.5 dd2 was always fab from the get go with potty training but the last few weeks have been a real regression to the point were getting a new carpet outside the bathroom as that was were she mostly wet. We're getting back on track though.

It's bloody awful to leave a child in soiled clothes. How would you feel if his nursary did it to teach him a lesson? They would be closed down.