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About DH and his female friends

(32 Posts)
CuddlyCat23 Tue 02-Aug-16 21:51:50

I've NC'd for this.

Over the last couple of years DH has made friends with a small group of women, which came about through his previous job.

I have since discovered that he has recently lied to me about going to an event with a group of them (said he was going to meet someone else) and also that he has lied when one of them was texting him on a couple of occasions, when I had merely asked who it was.

DH thinks I'm U and cannot see why I have a problem about having these female friends. He says that sometimes he tells little white lies about it because he knows I will get the ump.

He does have some another group of female friends from the past, but they are all off getting married themselves now and, having seen their interactions with him, I know they were and are purely platonic.

I think I know he hasn't 'done' anything as such, but feel that most women would be rightly uncomfortable about this situation (?)

This is all after a recent bust up when I found out he'd been watching a lot of porn and lying about it, which really hurt me because I was (and still am) having self-esteem issues.

Not sure if I'm just going crazy?!

YelloDraw Tue 02-Aug-16 21:56:24

I don't like the lying. YANBU

RJnomore1 Tue 02-Aug-16 21:58:04

It's the lying would get me too. My dh has lots of female friends and I wouldn't be concerned about him going anywhere with them but if he lied about it - huge red flag.

Why do you think he lied?

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 22:01:06

lying waves a huge red flag to me, what's with the porn is that recent ? how's your love life have things changed at all ?

WorraLiberty Tue 02-Aug-16 22:06:27

I hate lies.

I also hated to be put in situations by my jealous ex-husband, where I was fucked if I did tell him I was going for a drink/texting a male friend, and I was fucked if I didn't.

Either way, he got the raving hump about it.

But that's one of the many reasons he's an ex.

Junosmum Tue 02-Aug-16 22:12:28

My husband has lots of female friends. He's open and honest about all of them and I have no issues with them, and any I do or have had we've discussed and DH has unfriended one when necessary.

The lying would absolutely be a massive issue! I suspect something else is going on.

dangermouseisace Tue 02-Aug-16 22:13:01

YANBU for the lying/porn

YABU about the female friends. I've got a mainly female group of friends, the men are in the minority. Been doing that for years, purely platonic. Also text/message them as they are friends regardless of gender. I have male friends that I have made recently but they are just that- friends. So the relationships could be platonic.

I'd say he had to be honest about what he was doing otherwise you will suspect the worst.

John4703 Tue 02-Aug-16 22:16:34

If I can make a comment as a married man.
My wife and I use the same code to log into our phones so it is not at all unusual for her to pick up my phone and read a text that I've received. I like that as it is all open. All communication should be open.
I can think of no reason for a husband not to tell his wife everything.
My DW had a mastectomy three years ago and looks totally different to when we got married. I'd hate to look at porn as it degrades women. My wife is still as beautiful as the day we met (I wish I could get her to believe that but with loss of a breast, loss of all her hair, loss of memory etc she does not believe me)
I have met female friends from where I used to work as a group and I told my DW exactly where I was going and who I was meeting. Lying is not good and in my opinion needs checked out.

CuddlyCat23 Tue 02-Aug-16 22:20:27

It doesn't help that I know lots of women find him attractive. It tends to eat away at you after a while.

Some of these women are single, including the person he lied about texting.

My mind's going on overdrive.

maddy68 Tue 02-Aug-16 22:21:09

Both my husband and I have a circle of friends of the opposite sex. Close friends too! That I would have absolutely no issue with but lying is a totally different issue. That would certainly bother me.
In his defence are you very argumentative regarding these friends? Perhaps he is lying for a "quiet life".?

CuddlyCat23 Tue 02-Aug-16 22:22:46

Thank you for sharing that John, you sound lovely smile

Discobabe Tue 02-Aug-16 22:23:51

Why would you get the hump? Presumably if there were no issues with his previous female friends he'd have no reason to assume that and therefore no reason to lie to you.

You are not going crazy, your instincts are kicking in telling you something is wrong, which is not surprising when he's lying.

CuddlyCat23 Tue 02-Aug-16 22:24:59

Marry, yes, he says he wants to avoid the inevitable (apparently) arguments.

pearlylum Tue 02-Aug-16 22:41:06

Trust your instincts. Listen to you inner voice. I have a long term relationship with a man and I thought I was paranoid and jealous. He convinced me I had a problem. But the alarms going off in my mind knew better than me.
If it smells fishy, it is fishy.

myownprivateidaho Tue 02-Aug-16 22:55:22

It's really hard to know. Lying is really bad yes. BUT the thing you say about porn leaps out to me -- unless he was actually losing hours a day over it, I'm failing to see why his private sexual habits he owes you an explanation over. And if you say you were connecting your self-esteem with his pornography consumption, and the fact that he is good-looking and people are attractive to him is a "problem" to you... it sounds like you might be putting quite a lot of pressure on him. I wouldn't be cool with my DP interrogating me on my porn consumption or male friends, or with him finding the fact that others might fancy me a problem. In those circs I might lie for a quiet life too. Sorry, not what you want to hear.

trafalgargal Tue 02-Aug-16 23:10:32

He's lying because he has something to hide which case he's history


He's lying because you don't trust him, check up on him , get humpy about him having friends ....and he really doesn't want the grief.

If you can't/don't trust him you shouldn't be with him no matter how goodlooking he is ( you clearly don't have a very high opinion of other women as you think they'd all come throwing themselves at him just because he slips the leash for one night though)

WorraLiberty Tue 02-Aug-16 23:20:40

Marry, yes, he says he wants to avoid the inevitable (apparently) arguments.

Do you get the hump when he sees his female friends though?

Do you ever argue about them?

Sparklesilverglitter Tue 02-Aug-16 23:21:31

My DH has many female friends some he has known years and some are newer friends he's met over work, it's never been a issue for me because he treats them as he would any friend.

Can I ask, why does your DH say he tells white lies to stop you getting the hump? Do you get the hump over him having female friends? Has it caused problems in the past for example?

Him being good looking shouldn't really have an Impact on if you trust him or not. At the end of the day your good looking wouldn't be somebody else's and vice verse

Eatthecake Tue 02-Aug-16 23:31:34

Do you get the hump when he talks to female friends? If so tbh if my DH was like that in regards to my male friends I would probably tell white lies just to avoid the hassle.

Your opinion of other women is very low, just because you think he is attractive it does not mean every woman he sees when out wants to get him in bed. Every woman has a different idea of attractive you know.

CuddlyCat23 Tue 02-Aug-16 23:33:03

I saw some messages he had sent some time ago to same texter person, purely accidental when I borrowed his iPad.They were a bit flirty for my liking. This is when I think I first started to feel uncomfortable, and it's gone from there.

CuddlyCat23 Tue 02-Aug-16 23:38:15

I don't just assume others are going to throw themselves at him, I guess it just makes me feel uneasy sometimes and I had to tell him earlier because it has been bugging me.

When I'm lied to it makes me feel unimportant.

Maybe I just need to work harder on my self-esteem issues.

WorraLiberty Tue 02-Aug-16 23:43:40

'A bit flirty for your liking' how?

You haven't said whether you've got the hump in the past about him seeing his female friends, or whether you've argued about it?

If you have low self-esteem then yes, of course you need to work on that. Your DH should also be helping with that too, although there is only so much one person can do for another when it comes to these issues.

McBassyPants Tue 02-Aug-16 23:46:15

I'm also a married man. I have MANY female friends, my closest friends are women. I'm a nurse which is female dominated at the best of times and the area I work in even more so.

I am comfortable around women and happy chatting to them. My wife accepts this and has no issue with me going out with them (usually the only male), or even staying over at their houses etc. AS LONG AS I'M OPEN AND HONEST ABOUT IT

If I lied or hid something (or evenue behaved differently around my girl friends when she was/wasn't there) then I expect she would be concerned.

I don't think it's the female friends bit you have an issue with, it's the secrecy and the lying. And that imo is NOT unreasonable.

Hope that helps :-)

OrchidsAndLace Wed 03-Aug-16 00:00:58

Of course lying isn't good but if you've had previous rows about his female friends I can see why he would lie to avoid further arguments. It does sound like you might have some self esteem issues. Might it help alleviate your insecurity if you remind yourself that he has chosen to be with you? If he wanted to be with one of his female friends then he probably could be, but he wants YOU not them.

I have male friends, some very close ones too. But it's DH I want to come home to. Granted, I don't lie about it, but then I don't need to worry about having a row if I say "oh I'm going out with X, Y & Z tonight".

WorraLiberty Wed 03-Aug-16 00:53:05

I don't think it's the female friends bit you have an issue with, it's the secrecy and the lying. And that imo is NOT unreasonable.

Right yes but...

What some of us are trying to get to the bottom of is why the OP's DH feels he has to lie because otherwise she'll "get the hump" or a row is inevitable.

I'm in no way saying that telling lies is acceptable, but what I'm trying (and failing) to do, is get an answer from the OP about whether telling the truth would also cause a shit load of problems.

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