Trying again with the ex

(27 Posts)
Einna88 Tue 02-Aug-16 20:44:11

TL;DR at the bottom for those in a hurry.

Long story short - things were going great for a couple of years with only normal and minor hiccups. One or two bigger things - he's pro schools I'm pro homeschooling, he's aethiest I'm religious, and we can never agree on money - but nothing we couldn't manage. So after 2 years together and 1 year living together, we decided to try for a baby. Then six months later my DS from a previous relationship, then 6, started having medical problems and I suffered a decline in my mental health, his dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and we decided to stop trying for a baby. What we didn't know is that we were already pregnant.

Over then next 16 months, which covered my pregnancy and the first few years of DD's life, our relationship continued to disintegrate. My son got worse and worse and eventually had to go and live with his grandparents, DH's dad died, the baby was born. He withdrew into himself and became severely depressed, and whilst I sympathize with his situation he did end up becoming a real jerk for several months - he never hit me, but it was things like, whilst before he'd been an aethiest now he was really aggressively against all religion and would insult me for my beliefs, and tell me that he was alright with me teaching DD about religion "once she's old enough to know it's all bull****". He told me if I try to homeschool her he will leave me and send CPS after me, he's told me it's my fault that I was abused as a kid 'cause good kids don't get treated that way, it's my fault that I was raped by a friend as an adult because a healthy person would have known he was a danger, and eventually in the last couple of months we were fighting constantly about money because he didn't want to have to pay for the house because it's "my" house and "my" bills (it was my place originally before he moved in a year into the relationship, and he's lived there since).

The final straws were in April, when he started telling me that I wasn't allowed to disagree with him, that I was the problem in our relationship, and that we would work out so long as I changed the way I behaved and I changed the way I spoke to him. Since we broke up we've had daily contact for DD's benefit, but we still argue a lot - he's been reluctant to pay child support, he's consistently disrespectful to my home and leaves mess every time he visits, and twice now has accused me of abandoning DD because I've been unavailable during his contact time with her, leaving her alone with him. There's loads of other long term issues but this is long enough already.

Now he's telling me he misses me, that he's willing to try counselling, and he wants to change and fix the mess that our relationship was. I've agreed because I feel like with professional help we have a chance, slim though it may be. Also because we're fighting constantly anyway so being split up hasn't really helped us get space from each other, and also because if I don't try this now that he's willing to try counselling, I'll always worry that it could have worked and I didn't give it the chance to. At least if it tries and fails, I'll know for sure and we can move on.

However, because of his behaviour previously I feel like I'm taking a lot of fear and resentment into the relationship, and like he needs to make it up to me. I can't help feeling this way but also feel like I'm being unfair to him.

TL;DR: what would you do if your ex wanted to try again with a messed up relationship? Do you think couples counselling will actually help at all? And AIBU to agree to try again but be taking so much anger and anxiety into the relationship going forwards?

OreosAreTasty Tue 02-Aug-16 20:47:00

Leave him where he is

amusedbush Tue 02-Aug-16 20:48:52

Run like the wind and never look back. He sounds like an utter dick.

Sqooobado453 Tue 02-Aug-16 20:49:19

This is madness. The only contact you should be having with him is regarding arrangements for your DD.

Find your anger. He is AWFUL.

I don't think it will work. Your ex (from your description) doesn't allow you to have an opnion AND his comments on you being abused/raped are just beyond vile

44PumpLane Tue 02-Aug-16 20:49:39

I think some problems are fixable, I'm not sure yours sound fixable.

The things you disagree on seem to be pretty huge.

SquinkiesRule Tue 02-Aug-16 20:51:34

And you think this time will be different how?
Once there is stress, illness, differing opinions it will all the same.

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 20:51:41

blimey with all that history, what would you advise a friend to do in your situation ?? head for the hills and don't look back, tbh he sounds like a controlling knob, move on and meet someone who deserves the great person you are.

littlejeopardy Tue 02-Aug-16 20:54:29

Wow, you have been through an awful lot! I can't begin to imagine how tough this has all been.

From what you have written it doesn't sound like you have much to gain from a relationship with this man. I mean do you even like him anymore? Even if he resolved every one of these major issues would you enjoy his company? It doesn't sound like you would.

But, as he is your DD's dad, I think some sort of family counselling could be useful. You don't want him to treat her the way he had treated you so I think he should take all the professional help he can get.

Champagneformyrealfriends Tue 02-Aug-16 20:56:32

He sounds like a massive arsehole. Why would you even consider going back to him?

happythankyoumoreplease Tue 02-Aug-16 20:56:34

Ugh sounds like a disaster waiting to happen (again).

He disrespects you, insults your beliefs, is a total cocklodger - won't pay his own way, won't support his family, violates your space with his mess - again more disrespect, tells you you can't disagree with him - he tells you loud and clear that he has such little respect for you that you are not entitled to your own opinions FGS.

Don't teach your daughter that this is all she deserves from a relationship. Come on woman, give yourself a shake and remind yourself that you deserve so much more from a relationship - a partner who respects and supports you, who has your back. This isn't him.

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 20:58:02

meant to add it seems that you have been ground down by this person, that is common in abusive relationships, i would be working on your low self esteem and speak to your gp about counselling or support through 'time to talk', speak to a solictor re; contact for dd and do it through a contact centre if need be so he has no reason to come to your home. get restraining order if need be.
i've walked in your shoes with an alkie, it's bloody hard but you are apart already don't go back. i only escaped when he drank himself to death, how i celebrated that one.

memyselfandaye Tue 02-Aug-16 20:58:58

I am genuinely shocked you have to ask.

You deserved to be raped? He deserves to have his dick removed and shoved up his arse.

He does'nt deserve to live amongst civilised people, he's an utter creep.

Creampastry Tue 02-Aug-16 20:59:21

You should be fighting to have your son at home rather than thinking about your twatty ex.

Einna88 Tue 02-Aug-16 21:38:48

Cracks knuckles and gets responding

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon - awesome username, haha

I think some problems are fixable, I'm not sure yours sound fixable. The things you disagree on seem to be pretty huge.

This is the thing - they used to not be. For the first couple of years we were willing to negotiate on religion, homeschool, etc. But then he became very totalitarian. If we can find some way to get back to how it was and stay there I don't see them being big problems indefinitely.

From what you have written it doesn't sound like you have much to gain from a relationship with this man. I mean do you even like him anymore? Even if he resolved every one of these major issues would you enjoy his company? It doesn't sound like you would.

Honestly I think this is probably more to do with my biased portrayal of our relationship. In the first couple of years, yeah, we had a lot of good things going and even now we have a lot of good days. He says, and I agree, that there are four people in our relationship - me when I'm relaxed and him when I'm relaxed, him when he's upset and me when I feel I'm under attack. I turn into a bitch too, I know I do, but when we're good together, yeah, things are genuinely really great.

Don't teach your daughter that this is all she deserves from a relationship. Come on woman, give yourself a shake and remind yourself that you deserve so much more from a relationship - a partner who respects and supports you, who has your back. This isn't him.

This is the thing - it used to be. I figure right now DD is just 1 and we have the chance to try and sort things, and if it doesn't work out at least I can tell her when she's older that I tried. I'm not going to stay with him indefinitely if these behaviours continue.

...it seems that you have been ground down by this person, that is common in abusive relationships, i would be working on your low self esteem and speak to your gp about counselling

I'm actually in counselling at the moment, and have run it past the therapist. She's reserved and skeptical but she agrees that if I feel it's something I need to try and do with couples counselling then I should give it a shot, and if things still don't work then I need to walk away permanently. Honestly I think she expects it to fail, I know I do, but I also know, and she agrees, then I will beat myself up over it if he shows a willingness to try and change and I don't give him and us that chance.

You deserved to be raped? He deserves to have his dick removed and shoved up his arse.

Agree with you on that, heh. For what it's worth he did apologize after that one.

You should be fighting to have your son at home rather than thinking about your twatty ex.

There's a fight going on? That's news to me. My son lives with his grandparents because he has autism and ADHD and is currently being evaluated for psychosis and psychopathy after repeatedly torturing animals and trying to kill things. Before things went bad with the ex, just so we're clear - he's always been that way. I sent him to his grandparents because he kept threatening to kill the baby while we were asleep and tried to do it once. Until his mental health is sorted and CPS are happy for him to have contact with DD, I'm not going to be fighting to have him moved anywhere tyvm.

SharonfromEON Tue 02-Aug-16 21:50:01

You sound very defensive..

This man has shown his true colours..

An abusive man never starts with treating you badly..You are drawn in and then it goes down hill..

How is contact working for now ?

amusedbush Tue 02-Aug-16 22:00:41

For what it's worth he did apologize after that one

I'd fucking hope so too. He shouldn't have needed to apologise for that though because he shouldn't have dared think it, never mind say it.

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 22:09:26

i think she'll stay with him, we can see stuff she can't because she is undermined and he will have her where he wants her sad as that is, you need to make your own choices op, you asked mn and we've given you our take but at the end of the day it's your life, good luck because i seriously think you are going to need it.

Einna88 Tue 02-Aug-16 22:16:15

SharonFromEON I know, I've done the abusive relationship thing before :-/ an awesome 10 months and by the end of our three years together he was...yeah, no. Not fun. I've been seeing a counselor since and I have run the relationship with the current ex past her, as mentioned above, and she's supportive if reserved hence me proceeding with it. If she was more concerned I would be too.

As for contact right now - he can't have DD at his current accommodations (land lady's orders) so he comes around every night after work and takes her out on the weekends. For the most part we get along better now than we did when we were living together, I think living apart and no longer sharing finances has helped a lot, but obviously one of my big concerns is that if we go back into another relationship then we will end up with the same problems when/if we live together again.

Amusedbush agreed. I wasn't impressed with that one myself :-/

MrsFuzzy I'll give it a few weeks, a few rounds with the counselors. I think I owe us that much. I'll keep an update going though if it'll help ;) thank you for the well wishes either way. I'm already determined I won't end up back in an abusive relationship, either he will change or we will be broken up again in the next couple of months.

BlueFolly Tue 02-Aug-16 22:29:54

if all he's wanting is for you to go to couples counselling together, then so long as you get a good one (and you hear about some horror stories on the relationships board) then there's no harm. Probably.

It sounds like you're seeing a lot of him. If that's for your child's sake then I think you need to remember that you have to put your own life jacket on first. You owe him nothing. The fact that is was good at first means nothing. All relationships are good at first.

Einna88 Tue 02-Aug-16 23:57:43

BlueFolly Yeah, you're telling me :-/ I've always advocated taking care your yourself first, when it's other people at least, heh. Thanks.

I've not heard any horror stories about bad counselors - definitely don't think I'll be googling it haha.

BlueFolly Wed 03-Aug-16 00:39:07

On the relationships board people always say that counselling isn't reccomended when one of the parties is abusive. You tend to let your guard down in (good) counselling, and the abusive partner can use those insights against you.

Einna88 Wed 03-Aug-16 00:51:24

BlueFolly ah, okay, I hear you. I can see how that would be a concern except I've already been as open and honest with him as I can be, I don't think there's anything new that's gonna come out in counselling, heh. He's already said every hurtful thing there is to say, the worst this could do is give him confirmation of which bits have worked in the past, but TBH I'm not that worried about it, he's pretty good at hurting me already. I mean, he's good at being awesome too, just...yeah. He's already got insights.

Rainbow Wed 03-Aug-16 01:24:30

This isn't an easy one. I was in an abusive marriage. So many people told me to get out, leave him, but, like you, I had to try. I couldn't stay away until I had tried everything to make it work. Unfortunately, he didn't change despite help and our marriage died. My only regret is I didn't walk away sooner.

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Wed 03-Aug-16 01:37:31

My personal feeling, is that if you want to give it a try then that's what you should do, but take it REALLY slowly. Don't go rushing back into living together. Your DD is still tiny and she isn't going to benefit either way, even if it works out. Go to counselling, both together and seperatlely. Let him court you again. I know that I was good at first, and that you obviously care for him, but that doesn't mean that it will work. Make sure that you have people you can talk to, if you feel things are moving too fast, but not actually working out. In the future as well. You need to decide whether the schooling is a deal breaker. He needs to respect your faith. You need to respect his faith (and atheism is a faith as well). I wish you luck OP.

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