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If he doesn't want a baby, you shouldn't seek CSA

(880 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

NeedACleverNN Tue 02-Aug-16 19:33:18

Why the hell is this line still trotted out?

I've even seen it on here. Woman falls pregnant, boyfriend doesn't want it and wants an abortion. She doesn't. People advise her to keep the baby and let him go. Don't bother seeking child maintenance because he didn't want the baby in the first place.

No!! If he didn't want a baby he should take his own precautions to preventing pregnancy. You don't like condoms? You don't have sex!

DuvetToMyself Tue 02-Aug-16 19:34:59

I'm amazed whenever I see that. Total madness.

Men know where babies come from.

OreosAreTasty Tue 02-Aug-16 19:36:02

Hear hear. Another one is
"I don't want to pay as my ex can't prove it goes on the child/always gets her nails done etc etc etc" no you're just a feckless fucking tosspot.
It's quite scary that it's been suggested by some that we should
Make mothers receiving Csa account for every penny with receipts. Would she be allowed to
Pay part or all of the rent with it? Or
The utilities etc? Some would be in poverty worse than they already are if they spent all of the maintanence on shoes and clothes for the kid. No kids need £200 of clothes bought monthly but all kids need shelter, food to eat etc etc...

RichardBucket Tue 02-Aug-16 19:37:17

Oreos or even worse, when women on here resent their 'D' partners sending money to their exes because she has nice hair and nails. hmm

passmethewineplease Tue 02-Aug-16 19:38:10

I don't know why but it fucks me off.

Load of bollocks.

NeedACleverNN Tue 02-Aug-16 19:39:46

Oh yes.
My ex just wasted on her haircut so she obviously doesn't need money

No numbnuts! The money went on the rent to which house your children. Or it paid for the food which feed them. Or the electricity and gas to keep them warm.

Your ex paid for her hair out of her own money

Lelloteddy Tue 02-Aug-16 19:39:48

If I got maintenance I'd spend it on gin and shoes.
Just to wind OW up gringrin

TaliZorahVasNormandy Tue 02-Aug-16 19:40:53

I agree. I dont need my exes money, but he made DD too, so he can pick up some of the tab too.

Arfarfanarf Tue 02-Aug-16 19:41:45

Oh yes. Or "she doesnt need it"

hmm you really should pay 50% of what it costs to raise the child you are 50% responsible for creating. Paying a fiver here and there doesnt make you a fucking hero.

Until people start seeing not providing for the child you create as totally unacceptable things will neverchange

It should not be optional. People ought to be disgusted when a parent doesnt put so much as a bite of food in their child's mouth. Instead they queue up to excuse it.


OreosAreTasty Tue 02-Aug-16 19:42:31

That too Richard.
It's very bloody annoying.
It's child support not ex support.
If the kids are being neglected (ie holes in clothes/too small etc) while
Mum is in Gucci and Prada then yes there's an issue but more often than not that isn't the case O.o
Support your kids ughhhh. I haven't got kids but as another poster pointed out on another thread if I did and I decided one day I'd stop
Paying for them at all, so by proxy wouldn't feed them or allow them to use gas or electric, buy them clothes etc social services would be up my arse screaming neglect but if a NRP does it it's fine and you shouldn't withhold contact over it because it's only money (errr no it's neglect unless parent has a valid pre agreed reason such as a very temporary measure/payment issue) nor are non payers ever sent to jail.
It's fucked.

RedHareWithBlondeHair Tue 02-Aug-16 19:46:43

This is one of many reasons I've considered just going it alone. No expectations = no disappointments.

c3pu Tue 02-Aug-16 19:47:03

Women are much the same in my experience, my boys Mum came up with every excuse in the book not to pay maintenance for our two kids when they lived with me full time, until I set the CMS on her.

AppleJac Tue 02-Aug-16 19:47:19

I dont agree that it should just be solely the womans choice whether to keep the baby.

Its very unfair to force someone to be a parent then expect them to contribute to something they did not want.

No contraception is 100%.

I do think its right that if a woman becomes pregnant when contraception was used properly then maintenance should not be forced if she chooses to continue with the pregnancy.

There should be a legal document that is signed that makes you exempt from the parental responsibilities if the woman continues with the pregnancy against your wishes. Its wrong that women have a choice regarding being a parent but men dont.

NeedACleverNN Tue 02-Aug-16 19:48:01

Ah yes. Sorry c3pu I should have said. Some women are guilty of this too but it's mostly a male thing

CatsAndCocktails Tue 02-Aug-16 19:48:25

I worked at the CSA years ago and some of the reasons some of the NRPs came out with as to why they shouldn't pay were ridiculous. However, every so often you would get someone completely different - I remember one man pleading for more money to be taken so it could go to his stepchildren (who lived with their mother, his exwife) because he no longer got to see them very often but loved them like his own and wanted them to benefit from extra treats as well as his own children.

Sparkyduchess Tue 02-Aug-16 19:49:18

But men DO have a choice...don't have sex unless you accept it may make you a father!

lalalalyra Tue 02-Aug-16 19:49:27

What about "Her new husband has a good job, why should mine pay X when they can afford holidays?"

I also laugh at the "she has good clothes and the kids are in Primark" one - well yeah, I have good quality clothes and my kids mostly live in cheaper clothes, but I've had the same "good" clothes for 5/6/7/10 years since I've mastered climbing trees without wrecking the knees of my trousers, oh and I've stopped taking growth spurts every ten minutes!

passmethewineplease Tue 02-Aug-16 19:49:35

How can it not be the woman's choice? It's her body, it's her that will be taking the risks.

NeedACleverNN Tue 02-Aug-16 19:49:36

When you have sex, protection or not, you accept that a child could possibly be created.
You don't want a baby, you don't have sex

CatsAndCocktails Tue 02-Aug-16 19:49:50

Oreos non payers definitely have been sent to jail (it was the department that I worked in) but the vast majority were self employed.

MiaowJario Tue 02-Aug-16 19:50:08

Men do have a choice Applejac. As it is common knowledge that no contraception is 100%, if a man is truly not prepared to take responsibility for a baby, then he can choose to never have sex.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Tue 02-Aug-16 19:50:46

There should be a legal document that is signed that makes you exempt from the parental responsibilities if the woman continues with the pregnancy against your wishes

Why should the state/everyone else have to pay to raise this child if its actual parent is around to contribute for it?

OreosAreTasty Tue 02-Aug-16 19:51:54

Sorry, yes sometimes they are. My bad. I know. However it's not very well known or publicised and it
Seems more get away with it than not.

VeryBitchyRestingFace Tue 02-Aug-16 19:53:29

You don't want a baby, you don't have sex

I'm uncomfortable with that argument because anti-abortionists could (and do) just as easily apply it to women.

KickAssAngel Tue 02-Aug-16 19:53:45

AppleJac - if any consenting adult does NOT want to have children - then they don't have sex. Simple.

If they have sex, even using contraception, they are possibly going to end up a parent. IT's basic biological fact.

Only in cases of lack of consent should a parent be able to side-step their responsibility.

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