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WWYD - dh in debt

(47 Posts)
Tweakie80 Tue 02-Aug-16 13:26:29

My dh is not great with money. I sort all finances out for the house. we both pay into a joint account for bills etc and leave ourselves the same amount of money for spends. He recently got a large pay rise but didn't increase what he transferred by that much. I am now dipping into savings as we have a lot of outgoings at the moment with childcare etc.

A couple of years ago I found a very large credit card bill in his name and was quite upset. For one because I dont like to be in debt, and secondly I didn't know anything about it. My dh said it was for his brother who was having money trouble at the time and his mum was helping him pay etc.

He's also in the past run up a large catalogue bill and had lots of late payment fines as he's so rubbish.

I just had an inclining that something was going on and I've done an online credit check and discovered he's around 10k in debt. I'm absolutely gutted. We are comfortabley off. I feel like we shouldn't be getting into debt with what we earn. I'm pissed off he hasn't told me about this. He's so generous with his money, he's just spent loads on my birthday but I'd rather he didn't if we can't afford it!

Sorry I'm just rambling on but I'm really upset. I guess I'm asking how you would approach it. Obviously it's not great that I've gone behind his back to find out but now I know I can't ignore it.

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 13:28:07

what is he spending all this money on - catalogue stuff ?

Tweakie80 Tue 02-Aug-16 13:29:45

I've no idea! The debt is split between 2 credit cards, a very large overdraft and around 500 on catalogue. He doesn't buy a lot of clothes or anything.

Tweakie80 Tue 02-Aug-16 13:30:37

I think one of the credit card debts might be the one i found a few years ago, which his mum/brother might be paying off (if that is even true!)

Fortitudine Tue 02-Aug-16 13:32:41

If there's nothing to show for this debt could it be a gambling addiction? So much is online now that people can run up massive debts.

YelloDraw Tue 02-Aug-16 13:34:35

Firstly, what the fuck is he spending it on? Can't be clothes or gadgets or holidays cos you would have noticed those!

Gambling? Drugs? Brothel?

Tohaveandtohold Tue 02-Aug-16 13:36:22

Basically, sit down on your own first, do an income and expenditure sheet so you know what you have as a family after the important purchases and how much you think you can afford to start bringing down the debts and then sit him down and have a chat. You will definitely need to be in charge of the finances and he has to be on board as well. If they are on credit cards and he's paying interests, you can take advantage of a balance transfer offer so that all you will be paying will be going towards reducing the actual debt figure, etc and you can speak to these free money advise services, etc for advise depending on where he owes these debts to.

Tweakie80 Tue 02-Aug-16 13:36:46

Actually I think thats my real worry fortitudine. I know he gambles online but he's really open about it and says he only gambles with £1 or £2 at a time. However i know it's in his family - his great grandfather lost everything gambling.

Tweakie80 Tue 02-Aug-16 13:40:26

yeah I guess I know what I need to do. I need him to be on board though. theres no point me sorting this debt out if he's just going to run up more. If its gambling I need to know and need to know he will stop it.

KittyKrap Tue 02-Aug-16 13:41:22

He SAYS it's only £1 or £2.
It won't be. I promise you that. If he's serious you can self ban yourself from online sites but make sure you see him do that. With all of them.

RattataPidgeyRattataPidgey Tue 02-Aug-16 13:42:56

Why the fuck are you dipping into savings to cover joint bills instead of getting him to pick up the slack?

LilacInn Tue 02-Aug-16 13:43:14

It's the gambling.

You not only need to cut off the credit cards, he needs to go cold turkey on online access, including his smartphone if any. And get into a program.

Good luck.

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 13:43:35

do not, repeat do not pay his debts for him, this just gives him the green light you're a mug and he'll carry on. you know you need to have the talk about this one, but do be prepared for flat denial.

BookATable Tue 02-Aug-16 13:44:11

Are your finances pooled together?

I would sit down and speak to him. I know it wasn't really nice going behind his back but it's even worse of him to hide it from you.

I would sit him down and get some honest answers from him. Tell him how serious this is- he probably is bury your head under types when it comes to finances so he might not even realise how much debt he's in. He might not think it's even 10k!

Get all the credit card statements and the catalogue and aim to make a plan to pay it off.

I would have joint finances for everything do I know exactly what is going and you can nip it in the bud of any spending goes out of control.

MiL went through something very similar with my FIL who was in 40k debt! It was a very hard time for her and everyone involved but all is well.

Hope you sort something out. flowers

OreosAreTasty Tue 02-Aug-16 13:45:54

Will it be difficult for you to truly pay off? And I don't mean minimum repayments (that'll take years!) I mean to clear it in a reasonable amount of time (under 2-3yrs?) to
Avoid such huge interest?
Will you be ok financially?
Find all the records and statements you can, try and see where the money is going what he bought on the catalogues etc, then confront him. Whether or not you do have an idea of what he's spending it on after searching through everything, confront him and ask about where it's gone and why he hasn't
Told you.
See if he's honest, give him the chance to be

BookATable Tue 02-Aug-16 13:46:03

Just seen the stuff about gambling after I posted so ignore my previous post!

Bearbehind Tue 02-Aug-16 13:52:13

Why did you do an online credit check on him rather than just asking him?

I'm pretty sure it's illegal to do that without his consent.

He is wrong to be in this situation without telling you but the way you've gone about getting to the bottom of isent right either.

Rainbow Tue 02-Aug-16 13:52:18

I would sit down and work out a plan to pay off these debts. His credit rating will be affected by the late payment fines etc and he won't get anymore credit. Talk to him honestly about where the money has gone and, if it is the gambling, he needs to stop. He needs to work with you to get on top of these debts x

DoinItFine Tue 02-Aug-16 13:53:12

1 Get him to increase the amount he pays for joint expenses

2 Let him pay off his debt out of his own money

3 Never join finances

4 Never accept responsibility for his debt or pay a penny for it

5 divorce him if he doesn't stop gambling

That's what I would do.

Tweakie80 Tue 02-Aug-16 13:54:24

Just to be clear I won't be paying his debt, I will just sit with him to work out incoming me and outgoings so we have a plan to clear the debt. I'm not 100% sure it's gambling. I have a feeling it's just a build up of debt over the years - over stretching himself by 100-200 a month, plus helping out his brother etc. I'm mainly upset he's hid it from me but he knows I stress about money so that will be why. I'm sure we can pay it down in 1-2 years if we put our minds to it but I need to know what it's been spent on. He thinks I'm a control freak with money but he's clearly the opposite!!

AddToBasket Tue 02-Aug-16 14:01:29

OP, he can't hide 10k worth of stuff - this is probably gambling.

If that is the case it seems possible that he has an addiction. If so, like all addicts, he will lie to you. He'll lie that he will stop, he'll lie that it isn't as bad as it looks etc.

Be prepared. Know what you want, whether that is separate finances etc, move the house into your name, take individual bills on not have joint account etc. It would be worth spending time thinking about which bills you would be best having control of and which you can trust to him.

mysticpizza Tue 02-Aug-16 14:04:19

I would confront him. If it's gambling you need to know because it can and will escalate. If you want to see the pattern of how and when the debt has built up Clearscore is a free unlimited credit check service which shows data held by Equifax one part of which includes historic debt levels.

mrsfuzzy Tue 02-Aug-16 14:08:53

bear hear what you are saying about the credit check behind his back but i think a lot of people would do the same under the circumstances i know i would, esp if it was affecting the household.

logosthecat Tue 02-Aug-16 14:13:21

I'm so sorry you've found this out.

First of all, the behaviour would REALLY worry me. There is likely to be some kind of compulsive habit here, whether that's just over-spending or something worse, like a gambling addiction. Point is, these things can spin out of control fast. And then it's not just a credit card bill - your house and your financial stability are on the line. Furthermore, at some point you presumably intend to have a lower level of income with this guy, for instance, when you retire. It's therefore really important he gets some financial discipline now, while times are good. Otherwise, how will you manage if anything goes wrong or when you have less of an income? I'm sorry if that sounds alarming, and i hope I am wrong.

Secondly, the deliberate deceit would hurt me. He has lied to you by concealing this, and that can't be right. It does suggest that he's ashamed of something behind this.

flowers for you.

EweAreHere Tue 02-Aug-16 14:14:03

He needs to stop 'helping' his brother out without prior agreement from you as it's having a direct impact on your future with your husband.

And he needs to come clean about all the debt, where it has come from and what he's going to do about it.

It does sound like there might be some gambling issues contributing to it. Even £1 and £2 bets add up quickly.

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