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To think you shouldn't start toilet training someone else's child?

(81 Posts)
FeelingStupid2015 Tue 02-Aug-16 11:19:50

DM was looking after DS (2) recently and took it upon herself to start potty training him with no prior instruction or consent from either me or DH.

We haven't started the process ourselves yet as we don't feel he is completely ready and with a new baby, we want to make sure he feels settled into the new family dynamic before we embark on it. We also want a clear run without any other engagements, so that we can fully devote ourselves to the process.

I'm aware that we need to choose our battles with DM, and it goes without saying that we are eternally grateful for her childcare help when we require it.

However, AIBU to think that she is wrong to start toilet training Ds without any prior discussion with us? I feel it's a decision that should be made by us as parents and no-one else.

RubbleBubble00 Tue 02-Aug-16 11:23:19

Bit odd. What's the extent of her training, though. If it's just running around without pants on and sticking on the potty let her crack on. You don't have to do it at home

TeaBelle Tue 02-Aug-16 11:23:47

I think it would depend what you mean by start potty training. If you mean she bought a potty/let him sit on it while he plays/plonks him on the loo just to get used to it, I wouldn't have a problem.

If she's not putting him in a nappy, putting him on the potty every 15 minutes, not doing everyday activities etc, yes I think that needs discussion

minipie Tue 02-Aug-16 11:34:31


unless she is going to be looking after him every day for several weeks and is willing to see the potty training through, not go out, clear up messes etc, until it's completely done. In that case I would love it if someone else potty trained my DC!

minipie Tue 02-Aug-16 11:34:46

^ Although even then she should have discussed with you.

Floggingmolly Tue 02-Aug-16 11:38:06

Without consent?? hmm. Draw her up a contract next time she looks after your child, and sue her for any breaches.

Buglife Tue 02-Aug-16 12:10:41

Well a bit of pre potty training is quite helpful, talking about it and letting them know what it's for and seeing if they grasp the idea. You don't have to do it all in a week one day when they are 3, it can be a longer process. I can't imagine she sees it as a big deal and it wouldn't bother me if my parents or in laws did this.

Buglife Tue 02-Aug-16 12:12:38

As pp say, there can be a lot of getting used to sitting, pulling up and down of pants and just saying 'when you are older you can wee on the potty, can you say when you are going to wee or poo?' And if she's just doing a bit like that it will actually be of help in the long run rather than ignore the existence of toilet training until you have a week off.

gingerboy1912 Tue 02-Aug-16 12:14:34

Yanbu she should of at least said I'm getting the old potty out of the attic is that okay? And had a chat with you about it first

WalrusGumboot Tue 02-Aug-16 12:16:14

Surprised by the responses you've had here.

I agree OP it should be your decision to make and yours alone. You are his parents!

PonyPals Tue 02-Aug-16 12:19:25

Your mother wants to help you and relieve some of the pressure in toilet training a child. There is nothing wrong with that and I don't think you needed to have a meeting about it.
How very odd some people are!

UnexpectedBaggage Tue 02-Aug-16 12:24:45

Prior consent? It wasn't an operation FFS.

Good grief, poor woman.

ExcuseMyEyebrows Tue 02-Aug-16 12:25:27

I think you are being a little unreasonable.

As long as your son is quite happy about it, let her crack on - it's one less job for you to do.

Your thread title suggested a complete stranger was doing the training - this is your DS's grandmother - sometimes childminders/nurseries do the training so I don't think it's a problem unless your mum has form for taking over from you?

OohMavis Tue 02-Aug-16 12:27:22

It really won't give him a complex or anything. It won't 'ruin' him, having her show him a potty or have him run around with a bare bum.

I'm not sure what the issue is.

WalrusGumboot Tue 02-Aug-16 12:30:43

The issue surely is that the child will be confused by different rules in different households and it could ultimately scupper the chances of potty training success when OP does decide to do it. Mum and Dad have to be ready too, not just the child.

Gileswithachainsaw Tue 02-Aug-16 12:31:16

Well of course she shouldn't be doing it. Aside from anything else it needs to be consistent and it's a waste of everyone's time unless you have set things up I order to be able to continue at home.

Does she have form for this kind of thing?

I'm curious as to what would make her do it though? Has your child expressed an interest /awareness ?

KittyVonCatsington Tue 02-Aug-16 12:34:41

Very surprised by lots of posts too-potty training is a big deal and done wrongly or too early can generate a huge heap of problems!!!
YANBU to have thought she might say something beforehand-if my MiL did that (don't have a DM), I'd be a bit surprised too!!

nolongersurprised Tue 02-Aug-16 12:35:16

DD who is now 8 went to a childminder 2 days/week when she was 2. The CM managed to toilet train her in two days. We were delighted. There was no prior consent or even discussion. DD can't have been confused as she's remained toilet trained ever since.

oneoldmare Tue 02-Aug-16 12:38:12

Maybe your DM thinks your DS is ready and you had shown no signs of doing it anytime soon so wanted to help you on your way a little?

Lweji Tue 02-Aug-16 12:39:46

What exactly has she done?

Do you have to give consent to try a new food? Or play with a new toy?
Did she have to ask permission before encouraging him to walk?

Toilet training can be a long process and quite frankly some people just take it too seriously.

Ringadingdingdong Tue 02-Aug-16 12:41:12

I'd be pissed off too. You'll do it when you're all ready. Having a new baby in the family is not great timing. I found potty training DS1 stressful and we had a couple of false starts. DC2 was about 4.5mths when we properly went for it, could not have managed it with a newborn around. This is the kind of thing my DM would do, not because she's trying to be helpful particularly, more because she's bossy, likes to get her own way and we were all potty trained by 2 hmm.

I would ask her to hold off for now thanks very much.

Gottagetmoving Tue 02-Aug-16 12:42:09

Depends on her intention. If she regularly interferes or you have asked her not to do it then YANBU but if she just thinks she may as well let him sit on a potty to see if he takes to it, then I can't see the harm.
Your DM is not an outsider, she is your child's grandparent.
I think it is acceptable for the wider family to be involved in these things

Potty training doesn't have to be something intensive where you put other engagements aside to devote your time to it. It can be done in a relaxed way over a long period.
Only you know if your mother is the type who is trying to take over. It may be her intention is to be as helpful as she can.

augustwashout Tue 02-Aug-16 12:46:18

Loving the swing between having a full on meeting to a casual - " do you think X should be potty trained yet? " and a " no thanks" from op.

My MIL has done this op, she is adamant DD is trained and she has set us back because she tried to force it. So now DD has dug in and I cant do anything.
I cant see why Mils and DM etc cant just say " shall I start to help with potty training" and have a simple and brief conversation about it? Open up a dialogue?

PersianCatLady Tue 02-Aug-16 12:47:39

I can't understand why you are not massively relieved by this idea.

She probably thought that while the summer is here he can round around with no bottoms on and it will make it easier.

She probably also has more time than you to do this. Seriously though potty training isn't as exciting as it sounds, clearing up after accidents and washing clothes every time.

I think she is doing you a big favour.

practy Tue 02-Aug-16 12:47:39

Ringading - Up to you what you do. But your M very well might be telling the truth that you were all potty trained by 2.

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