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To think friends aren't all they are cracked up to be

(48 Posts)
Summerday11 Tue 02-Aug-16 08:57:31

I know every situation is different . I'm married however have always put a effort into friendships as well . It just feels like others don't do the same . Another friend who I have been close to ( or so I thought ) for 10 years has basically dropped me as I no longer fit in her life style . Looking back since being with her partner of 2 years she has changed beyond belief. Aibu thinking it's not worth the hassle ? Life is busy yet Iv put my self out to be there . I'm now thinking why bother . Always told don't just relie on your marriage invest in friends - yet my husband ( despite our ups and downs ) hasn't let me down like so called friends .is this just me ? I guess I thought once a friendship got to 10 years you would always be friends -how wrong can you get ?

BillyNotQuiteNoMates Tue 02-Aug-16 08:59:52

I wouldn't know, I don't have any! Lots of acquaintances, but no friends at all. I would do anything for anyone, everyone tells me how lovely I am, but no one would actually ask if I wanted to go out, or do anything. I wrap myself up in my kids and work and mumsnet and Facebook no help I know, hope you're ok. I'll be honest and say that I'm lonely.

davos Tue 02-Aug-16 09:09:10

Dh is my best friend. In that if I am doing something, he is the person I would choose to do it with.

We both have friends. But not extremely close ones. Between work, the house and the kids and out hobbies, neither of us have a lot of time to invest in friends.

My friends are at my hobby. So it works well. I see them a couple of times a week and on weekends if there is an event for the hobby. That said, one friend at my hobby has become a close friend and I know I could turn to her if I needed to and her, me. But she is the same as me, not interested in meeting up all the time or texting everyday. It's a solid friendship built on liking a bit of distance.

But I don't have the time to invest in full on friendships. When I meet new people who get a bit full on, I do distance myself.

I think the issue is, do you want friends because you think you should or do you want friends because you want friends?

Summerday11 Tue 02-Aug-16 09:09:59

Sorry to hear you are lonely flowers
Iv got friends I can go out with . The friend in question Iv been there for her through the night when she has needed me. Yet she has found it easy to drop me . I'm starting to think I should maybe wrap myself up more in my husband and kids x

Summerday11 Tue 02-Aug-16 09:11:57

Davos - you have maybe answered that for me . I feel I should . I would rather go out with my husband so guess he's my best friend - but your always told how important friends are so I feel like Iv failed

davos Tue 02-Aug-16 09:25:13

Friends aren't important to everyone.

I understand the logic. Don't only have your husband in your life incase the marriage goes tits up. It's sensible. However not always practical.

Also friendships can go tits up. As you know.

The friend I mentioned before, is a friendship that's come about without trying. Neither of us were actually looking for a new friend. Or even that fussed. But it occurred naturally.

Also people are all different, friendships mean different things to all people. And sometimes people's lives move in different directions which mean you move away from each other. The more people you meet and get to know the more difference you see.

I may very well regret not fostering better friendships if my dh left me. However we have had a good 15 years together so far. We share a house and kids and a life. It makes sense to spend more time focusing on the person i want to spend time with.

I am fully aware that it could go horribly wrong and I may regret it. But right now, it makes me happy. Dh is the same (which helps) one good friend, who travels the world so don't see him that often. But if dh got tickets to a gig or an event, I would be the person he wanted to go with.

For both of friendships come second to our marriage. Luckily our two good friends are the same. Which is why it works.

Sorry I am babbling, worrying I am not explaining myself well. grin

JinRamen Tue 02-Aug-16 09:25:53

I don't have any either. Dh is the person I choose to do stuff with. As we are both busy with work and children we don't do much really. (We work opposite shifts) it is lonely. I would like to have friends, but such is life!

Have you asked your friend why they have drifted away?

Grumpysfirstwife Tue 02-Aug-16 09:28:10

Friends are overrated. If you don't get anything worthwhile out of the relationship then don't bother, life's too short to chase after people who don't value you or what you do for them.

I have acquaintances that on very rare occasions may invite me out with them but as soon as I say I have babysitting issues (DH works shifts) they are happy to just drop me and not offer again for a very long time.

I stick to my family and still be helpful to others if I'm able to but on the whole it's just easier to not invest any time or energy in anyone else. 'Friends' made me the way I am. I moved heaven and earth for several people I believed to be friends and they absolutely screwed me over. I nearly lost everything helping them and I won't do it anymore.

If your partner is there for you and you are happy doing things with them why do you need more?

I sound very bitter shock maybe I need a new hobby confused

Julia2016 Tue 02-Aug-16 09:29:42

Hmm, I've always been one who thinks don't invest everything in your husband and kids BUT you change when you've kids, a husband, working, running a house, there isn't enough time. I'm not the same friend I was to my friends but I do make an effort, just not as much, I don't have the physical time. I'd like to think that my friends (I've only two friends I'd ring if the s&&t hit the fan) know me enough at this stage to know I've not dropped them and that I do value them.

I recently was at a hen day/night away with my two close friends (one of several hen nights), I wasn't myself as I am on fertility treatment and I'd been up since 5.30am with baby. One friend (10 years) has completely blanked me since, not once has she asked how I am, she's annoyed I impacted a night out just because I wasn't hammering back shots and such like! I'm the lowest maintenance friend you could have and I've always rolled with things but the one time I'm not on top form, I'm being punished. Whatever about her annoyance of me, I'm considering just dropping her to be honest, I'm so mad at her, she should know me better than that.

So no to be honest I think true friends will appreciate you still value them but life and family do impact. If they don't get that than they aren't worth having. One true friend in life is enough.

Summerday11 Tue 02-Aug-16 09:32:19

I think we have drifted apart as she has become like her new partner , critical , moaning hard work . Iv carried on meeting up but she must of felt the change and backed off . We did a lot with each other's kids which is hard . I do think I should invest more in my marriage, he's always there and supportive. I think Iv tried to much with her at times to the detriment of our time

YvaineStormhold Tue 02-Aug-16 09:35:44

I've lost a friend recently, I think.

We went through very tough times together and I moved heaven and earth to help her.

Now she no longer needs me, she is much more distant.

Maybe she doesn't realise what she's done, but I do, so things won't be the same.

Friends are fleeting, I think.

PovertyPain Tue 02-Aug-16 09:36:21

My husband was my best friend. He was the one I wanted to go anywhere with, to moan about work, to tell good or bad news to, to give me support. I never needed close friends. He died just under 1 1/2 years ago and I'm so fucking lonely.

Henbythesea Tue 02-Aug-16 09:38:37

I have lots of acquaintances and am happy to chat to people at work, at the school gates when I'm there etc. I also keep in touch with people I went to school with. But do I have people to go out with? No. Or someone I could call in the middle of the night if I was in bother? Definitely not. It bothered me a lot in my late twenties and I found the early years of motherhood very lonely. But now, either I've become accustomed to it or I've accepted that actually I'm naturally more of a loner and I'm happy. My dh is my best friend, life is busy and any free time we manage to get, we like to do things together.

summerday - I lost my best friend from college to a relationship a few years ago; her personality and way of life changed completely when she met her dh. I tried to keep the friendship going but she became a totally different person and it was clear I didn't fit her new image if you know what I mean. So I stopped getting in touch and she never bothered. Hard to accept at the time definitely.

ladymarymoo Tue 02-Aug-16 09:40:36

I get you totally, reach out further into your group and you will find friends for certain things.

i.e. Funny theatre night, I have Rachael, posh dinner I have DH or another friend, getting lashed in the City after work I have Chris, Play date in the park/swimming with DC I have several friends.

Then you won't be reliant on just core friends and will make new connections? Unfortunately people do change, we all do, it affects friendships.

wobblywonderwoman Tue 02-Aug-16 09:40:48

Poverty- so sorry for your loss. Its hard to meet genuine friends. I have one or two but no real group of friends. I just get on with it. The only person who rings me regularly to catch up is my mil. She's a good person but I have nothing in common with her. She would feel I should be content making dinners, going to church once week and has never had any type of social life. So thats it.

I am hoping when my toddlers are at school that I might meet a group of mums of something.

Henbythesea Tue 02-Aug-16 09:42:48

So sorry for your loss poverty

Mrscaindingle Tue 02-Aug-16 09:44:56

I don't think YABU some friendships are more hassle than they're worth, having said that since becoming unexpectedly single after 19 years my female friends have become as important to me as they were in my early single days.

I have always made the effort to keep up with some old friends although it was not as often during my marriage and raising small children because at that age people with kids the same age become your friends for a while.

I feel very lucky to have made some good friendships recently since splitting with my ex but having been dumped by friends in the past and having dumped a couple myself I totally get that some friendships reach an expiration date. Julia2016 that friendship doesn't sound very supportive, life is too short to have people in your life who make you feel crap.

Summerday11 Tue 02-Aug-16 09:45:00

Poverty so sorry flowerssad

davos Tue 02-Aug-16 09:45:02

poverty I am so sorry flowers

pictish Tue 02-Aug-16 09:48:09

Interesting thread. After some experience of friendship both good and bad, I have come to the conclusion that friends are nice to have but that one shouldn't invest in individuals as a given or an essential. People's priorities, circumstances, tastes and lifestyles evolve. Friendships are often transient and few will endure the course of a lifetime.

Laiste Tue 02-Aug-16 09:49:08

Poverty - flowersflowersflowers

''I guess I thought once a friendship got to 10 years you would always be friends -how wrong can you get?''

Try 30 years! sad I've been sort of 'dumped' by a friend i've had since primary. She's always been a funny soul, hot and cold, but we got on well and kept it going through thick and thin. For years and years. When she was struggling with the end of relationship and the selling/buying of a property i welcomed her into my home for a year (when DD3 needed the bedroom - but there you go) however when the chips were well and truly down for me about 4/5 years ago she failed me. Couldn't even move herself to an email. I was hurt by that and I don't bother at all with her now and it's died a death for good this time i think.

As for everything everyone else is saying - YES. DH is my best friend in the world. He's my rock and i'm his. I don't have the time or the patience now to invest in needy full on friendships like i did in my 20s. I have ONE friend whom i know i could always call in a massive fix. We see each other about twice a year, both busy with our families and both cheerfully admit we're as crap as each other at keeping in touch grin

Xocaraic Tue 02-Aug-16 09:50:23

You are allowed to be disappointed. People can be fickle. But also, people's priorities do chance. It's normal.
There are IMHO three categories of people. Those in your life for a reason (maybe a teacher, role model, boss etc.), a season (first job 'mates', school friends etc.) or a lifetime (those in it for the long haul maybe a sister, cousin, close friend or such).
Life is so changeable that it is very difficult to maintain lifelong friendships. We move town, city, country. We marry or have children when our friends don't. Life is ever evolving. Don't overthink it but do what your gut is telling you...more time with husband and family perhaps.

WhatamessIgotinto Tue 02-Aug-16 09:51:33

This is really interesting to me as I'm questioning a close friendship at the moment. I have 3 very close friends of 30 years plus which I have no doubt we'll always be friends. We don't live close to each other but always in contact and don't see that changing. However I have another good friend of 8 years who I'm starting to feel isn't such a great friend after all. We've been through a lot together and I do love her dearly but although we have a great laugh, I don't really think she's particularly interested in me, just interested in the fact that we socialise a lot and do some fun stuff. I think if I moved house tomorrow she would be devastated for a day and then I'd never hear from her again. I'm kind of thinking that I really can't be bothered anymore.

TheField65 Tue 02-Aug-16 09:51:54

I had my dc late in life. So before them, I was able to keep up with my friends because I did all the visiting and was able to see them whenever they required because I did not have children to consider. Now that I do, I hardly see them. These friends don't seem to want to compromise - it's as though the pattern is set, and I'm the one that has to do the visiting, dragging my dc with me, who don't necessarily get on with these friends' older children. I'm sure these friends are saying to themselves, 'Oh, now that Field has children we never see her/she's changed' but there you go...

FlaptheWings Tue 02-Aug-16 09:53:18

Povertythanks

I don't have any friends. I used to, but anyone who I really valued as a friend ended up letting me down badly, lying to me, stabbing me in the back etc. It happened a few times. So now I don't make any effort with anybody. DP is much the same (although a much more sociable and generally friendly person I think!) so I wrap myself up with him and our DC.

I sometimes think I'd like friends, but in the way that people on telly have friends, where it's all lovely and supportive - not the reality.

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