Ok some background.
PIL are difficult - DH and I both agree wholeheartedly on this, there is no argument (fwiw, BIL and his partner also agree!). However, DH loves his folks and does want to maintain some kind of relationship. Long history of domineering/bullying behaviour, DH has had counselling to deal with it. They live at the opposite end of the country.
They have been retired since their 40s (inheritance), and they don't really remember what it's like to deal with the stresses of the working week. I think they don't really understand the difference between 'rest' and 'relaxation' - that, if you're absolutely exhausted by work, the things that you might normally find relaxing, like going to nice places, can become a chore.
DH has a VERY demanding job. Long hours, lots of responsibility, lots of aggro. And it's just got worse as he's been promoted. We tend to use the weekends for rest and recuperation. However, when we visit them, it is a cacophony of noise and activity for day after day - we are literally marched around visiting places from first thing thing in the morning to last thing at night. DH is harassed and stressed and upset by this (they are also terribly insensitive, which doesn't help). He frequently becomes ill during or after the visit, and we then hobble through the following week with him going to work and returning to collapse with exhaustion in the evenings, because he hasn't had the downtime he needs. It really bites into our quality of life.
For this reason, we are trying to have shorter visits with PIL. We used to do 4-5 days 4 times a year. We are trying to see them for 1-1.5 days more frequently, every couple of months.
So here's the issue.
We are due to visit their home in August, and DH outlined to them that we'd only be spending one night (2 days). (This has been clear from the start, but they have been conveniently ignoring it to now). All hell broke loose. FIL went into full emotional blackmail mode: 'This is TERRIBLE, your mother will be terribly disappointed, she's been so excited with all the days she's got planned, we're not getting any younger' etc etc etc. We hosted them for a long weekend last month, and we also saw them at a beer festival the month before!!
DH kept his cool but framed the decision that it was pressure from me. 'I need to spend some time with my wife, I've only been staring at screens the last few weekends, and she says she wants some time for just the two of us'. This is not actually true. We agreed together that we didn't want to do the long visits, and I have not, in fact, asked for more of his time! The issue is simply with the way that they are stressful to deal with and both of us reach our limit of tolerance (beyond which we are simply gritting our teeth) at about 24 hours in their company.
AIBU to think that this is likely to lead them to dislike and blame me for the changes? And that there might be better ways of handling it, like being more honest about the actual state of affairs? (I don't mind being told I AM being unreasonable if it is a good plan, I am just not sure we are handling this as well as we could).
AIBU?
To think this is not such a good idea to blame me for DH's decision with PIL?
logosthecat · 01/08/2016 09:28
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mrsfuzzy - I laughed at your dash behind the sofa and hiding emojis!
coconutpie - I like your wording, and I have saved it on my computer in the (fairly likely) event that they don't accept our decision and insist on a longer stay. I am almost expecting a passive-aggressive email from MIL at some point today.
toadgirl - The thing is, DH works at a very high level indeed, managing a lot of people, making big decisions - and he breezes it. So he can do assertiveness (though his leadership is very much more about diplomacy/negotiation than aggression). I think the problem is that his parents absolutely refuse to understand social cues that don't play into the narrative they want to hear. You can be assertive, and they just ignore it - it's almost like they are forcing us into a very uncomfortable position where we HAVE to be more aggressive than either of us would like.
So, for example, we will outline our plans and say 'We are tired, we really need some time to rest this weekend, work has been manic etc etc etc' and most normal people would just back off and say 'Oh, well it'll be lovely to see you on Thursday then'. They don't - they just keep insisting on a 5-day visit, even when we've told them we are too knackered and it's not doable. There is none of the finesse and nuance of social relations: the part where you suggest something tentatively, and give someone else space to think and to come back with a yea or nay or a counter-suggestion. There is just What They Want, and that's that. It becomes truly ridiculous at Christmas, because they are completely unable to understand that we have TWO families that both need to be visited.
sonic - oh my goodness, are you my long-lost sister-in-law? Exact. Same. Thing. Here. It helps to hear your story and know we are not alone. I really, really hear you on the 'unable to understand' part. Mine are exactly like that - it is a kind of selective deafness where they will not hear or acknowledge anything that would force them to be less self-centred.
billy - sadly, we are unable to have DCs 
so we don't have that excuse!
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